My daughter's graduation is proving to be a huge trigger for my BPD sister

[MySistersHostage]

I'm afraid for the well being of my family. My sister is raging and directing her anger and threats at me. I want to go to the police but I'm so afraid that will set her off even worse. She's threatened to kill me for years.  I can't talk her down. Can't calm her down. Everything I try just makes things worse.

She's on probabtion and gets drug tested regularly. I know she's taking anti psychotic medication but I don't know if she takes it regularly.

What are my options?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome MySistersHostage:   
I'm so sorry about what is going on with your sister.  It is very alarming.  If she has made some recent threats to kill you, you have to take it seriously.  It can be a hard decision to make, regarding what to do.  There are people who threaten to kill others and really don't intend to do it.  Then there are others with a history of domestic violence, but not threats, and then they kill someone.

There was a horrible domestic violence situation in Southern California on Monday.  A woman employed as a teacher, left her husband, after a couple months of marriage. He had a history of domestic violence with someone else.  The husband went to visit her at the elementary school where she worked.  He entered a classroom, shot and killed his wife.  Unfortunately, two children were behind the teacher at the time.  One of them was killed and another one wounded.  The husband then killed himself. 

I used to have a coworker, whose brother was kill by a mentally ill person a couple of years ago.  He was just the cable guy, out on a service call.  The mentally ill son came to his parents house with a baseball bat and killed his father, uncle and the cable guy.  It seems illogical that he could kill 3 men with a baseball bat, but he did.

I don't mean to scare you.  You can't always predict what will happen with someone who is mentally ill and threatening to kill.  Add the element of drugs and things get more unpredictable.

The links below can be helpful for you.  The Safety First link has instructions on how to prepare a Safety Plan.  You may never need it, but if you ever do, you will be glad that you took the time to think out the plan.  The domestic violence hotline can be a good resource to reach out to.  It can help to talk to someone about your specific situation.  The Threat Assessment can be used to help you try to determine the level of your threat with your sister.

SAFETY FIRST

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE THREAT ASSESSMENT

You might want to talk to your local police.  Perhaps you can get a restraining order.  They don't always prevent problems, but if you have one in place, it could be easier to make your sister keep some distance from you and your family.  When a restraining order is in place, it would likely be easier for you to get police response.  Since she is on probation, making a death threat could cause her to go back to jail.

Check out the resources above.  I think you need to be more worried about the welfare of you and your family than about whether you make your sister more angry.

[MySistersHostage]

Thank you for your response and the helpful links.  I've considered calling my local police.  The responses I've received have been mixed. She hasn't committed a crime yet sonthey wont likely take it seriously. I do have some disturbing texts and voice recordings that she sent me. She's also started to contact my daughter.

She would have to go in front of a judge for a restraining order, right?  I feel like that action alone would add fuel to the fire.

Today she's more or less threatening to kill herself. She's done this since I was born.  I'm tired. And I don't want my kids to have to keep walking on egg shells. She has no children.  She pops into our lives every now and then. Each time she is "aunt of the year" for a few hours. Then she flips out on me or my mom. Leaves after threatening to kill us or raging on us verbally. We won't hear from her until she needs money or something.  She doesn't address her previous parting... .just acts like it didn't happen. Then she gets mad because she says I don't call her. I don't love her. She's not good enough to be in my life. Just crazy ranting.  We can't call her because she's constantly changing phone numbers. And when we do call she doesn't answer. I can't win.

Is this common with BPD? Is the violence part of it?

I need this to stop. It's too much.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey again MySistersHostage: 

She would have to go in front of a judge for a restraining order, right?  I feel like that action alone would add fuel to the fire.

It's just an option to consider and research, in case you think you want to exercise that option. If you are in the US, you might want to visit the website for the Superior Court for your area. Depending on where you live, you might be able to file paperwork for a restraining order on your own.  You might have to pay to get her served.  She might not even show up in court, so it might just be based on a judge's review.

I do have some disturbing texts and voice recordings that she sent me. She's also started to contact my daughter. We can't call her because she's constantly changing phone numbers. And when we do call she doesn't answer.   

If her phone number keeps changing, she might be periodically buying disposable phones.  Or, she isn't able to consistently pay a phone bill to keep a stable number.

Probably a good idea to tell your children to NOT answer their cell phone, when they get calls from unknown numbers.  If you sister calls them and leaves a voice mail, so you can id her latest number, the phone number can be blocked.  You might want to do the same thing yourself.

Is this common with BPD? Is the violence part of it?   

The collection of traits can differ a bit, from person to person, but one common BPD traits is    "inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger".  The link below can shed some light on things for you: 
Borderline Personality - Symptoms & Diagnostics

Today she's more or less threatening to kill herself. She's done this since I was born.   

The information in the quote below might be helpful to you.  Some of the examples relate to romantic partners, but you can modify as applicable

In their 1996 book Choosing to Live, Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman write:  The sense of collaboration and togetherness you once had with the suicidal person diminishes, while the uncomfortable power struggle increases. Comments like, "If you really cared whether I lived or died you would come back to me," and "You make me want to die" have something in common: they make someone else's decision whether to live or die conditional on your response. This is unfair to both parties.

Sometimes your family member will try to make you believe that you are responsible for their misery, and that you will be to blame if he kills himself. Remind yourself that you are not threatening the other person with homicide-the other person is threatening suicide. You're dealing with someone who needs immediate professional attention much more than he needs your capitulation.
What Not To Do
Newman and Ellis suggest avoiding the following actions with someone threatening suicide:

Don't fight. Don't get into an argument with your BP about whether he or she is serious about wanting to die-even if you're angry and feel like venting. He may attempt suicide simply to prove you wrong.

Don't confront your family member and accuse her of manipulating you. Again, this may turn into a power struggle. If she is asking you to do something that is against your better judgment, follow your instincts. However, if the two of you are in a session with a mental health professional, it can be helpful to talk about how this behavior is making you feel.
Don't give in to threats. Be extremely cautious about relenting just to prove that you really care. You and your partner will not be happy in a relationship in which one of you stays because of emotional blackmail. In the long term, your loved one won't be happy in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with them. They need to get better before they're ready for a healthy relationship.

Remember, contrary to what your angry, distraught family member may be telling you, you don't have to prove anything. Say Newman and Ellis, "When you give in to the threats, you will still be angry, the other person will still be at risk for self-harm at any time, and the underlying issues will not have been addressed. Plus, it is likely that the same scenario will repeat itself again and again."

Seek help for yourself. If you have a history of complying with demands because you believed that suicide was imminent, get professional help for one or the both of you before the next crisis occurs.

What To Do
Suicide threats that feel manipulative are the ultimate in no-win situations. Whether you comply with the other person's wishes or not, the risks are unacceptable.
So, Newman and Ellis say, the best thing to do is to simply refuse to be put in this position, despite your family member's attempts to make you feel responsible for her life and death. Just say no, following the guidelines that follow.

Express your support and concern for your family member while firmly maintaining your personal limits. You can do both, even if your BP thinks otherwise. You can accomplish this with mirroring responses that put the choice of life or death back where it belongs-with him-while stating as strongly as possible that you care about him and you want him to choose life and seek help.

Newman and Ellis give these sample responses, which I have paraphrased:

In response to, "I'll kill myself if you leave me":

I'm not breaking up with you to be cruel. I'm very, very sorry that this hurts you. I want what's best for you in the future, but I just can't be part of it. And even if I were to stay with you, that wouldn't solve our problems.

For one thing, your life's worth should be based on much more than just being in a relationship with me. Secondly, I know that you know deep inside that our relationship shouldn't be based on me staying because I'm afraid of you dying and you staying because you think you can't live without me. That's not healthy. I care about you. And because I care about you, I want you to live. And I want you to find your own happiness, and your own life's worth, without me.

In response to, "If you really cared whether I lived or died, you would come home every weekend":

The fact that I love you and am concerned about you is already beyond doubt. I feel like I have proven my love time and time again, and I suspect that even if I did come home every weekend, that wouldn't be enough for you. I want to see you, and I do plan on coming up once a month or so.

The fact is that I can't visit every weekend because I have my own family now and my own life to attend to. Perhaps the answer is that you need more things to do on your own, or more friends you can get together with on Saturday and Sunday. You used to talk about a lady you played cards with from your church; have you seen her lately?

These statements should be accompanied by statements that show that you are taking the threats of suicide very seriously. Show warmth and concern in your voice and actions. For example, you might say, "We have to get you to the hospital. This is a matter of life and death." Show that a serious threat warrants a serious response.

In this way, you give appropriate attention to your family member's cry for help while making it clear that you aren't qualified to give the professional help that is necessary in such extreme situations.

[Panda39]

Suicide threats should be taken seriously get professionals involved... .

My SO's uBPDxw would make suicide threats and he would tell her that since she was a danger to herself that he would call the police (the professionals). This in a way took him out of the situation and put the responsibility to act on the police. She usually didn't want the police to show up and would dial it back but there was a time they came and took her to the hospital.  Getting her to the hospital is also good because she got the help (more professional involvement) she needed.  So for my SO calling the police in this situation was a win/win (either she de-escalated or she got help)

It was a boundary... .If you threaten suicide the police will be called (every single time) eventually these behaviors began to lessen because she no longer received the reaction she wanted.

I also want to say you are not responsible for nor can you control your sister's feelings or actions.  We can only control what we do and how we act.  Setting up boundaries to protect yourself is one tool that you can use.

More information on boundaries in the links below... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Take Care,
Panda39

[MySistersHostage]

Thank you for your response Nibbler and Panda.  This has been helpful.  I've spent some time on the reading material you've shared.  I have lots of reading to do.  I had no idea how many resources were available or that there were other people out there enduring similar situations. 

I think I need a few days to get some things in order.  Research on the restraining order.  Safety plan.  In the meantime, I've stopped responded to her text messages.  I won't answer her calls.  I blocked her on social media (she goes really crazy with language and name calling on social media)  My kids have blocked her as well.  My oldest responded to a text from her just saying she loved her and that she was welcome to come to her graduation.  She also said she was really hoping the day would be a happy day.  My sister did not react well to that at all. 

My question is, how harmful is it for me to just cut all lines of communication while i work through my next steps?  I didn't even respond to her "when I die" text.  I don't want to.  I feel like she's looking for a reaction and if I give her anything she's going to continue the behavior.  My husband did reach out to her and told her that we loved her and cared about her and wanted her to be part of our lives but that we can't allow her around us when she gets in this "melt down" state. 


Again, thank you all for your help. 

[Panda39]

My question is, how harmful is it for me to just cut all lines of communication while i work through my next steps?  I didn't even respond to her "when I die" text.  I don't want to.  I feel like she's looking for a reaction and if I give her anything she's going to continue the behavior.  My husband did reach out to her and told her that we loved her and cared about her and wanted her to be part of our lives but that we can't allow her around us when she gets in this "melt down" state. 

I'll answer a question with a question... .how harmful is it to you and your family when you are in communication right now?  I know you love your sister, she is your sister but to use the Airplane Oxygen Mask analogy... .you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else. 

I think it makes perfect sense to take a break so you can get your thoughts in order, to do some research on BPD, to learn some tools that could be helpful with your interactions with your sister, and protect yourself and your family from your sister's abusive behavior. 

I think your husband said it beautifully. We care about you/sister but this behavior is not acceptable and until you get it under control we can not be around you is an excellent boundary.  None of you need to stick around to be abused, it is not rude, it is not being mean, it isn't being a jerk to walk away, to hang up the phone, to block social media, it is protecting your own well-being.

I'm not sure if the box to the right was pointed out to you already but just in case --> everything listed in that box is a link to more information you might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you have the time.

Panda39

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again MySistersHostage:   

   My oldest responded to a text from her just saying she loved her and that she was welcome to come to her graduation.  She also said she was really hoping the day would be a happy day.  My sister did not react well to that at all. . .I didn't even respond to her "when I die" text.  I don't want to.  I feel like she's looking for a reaction and if I give her anything she's going to continue the behavior.  My husband did reach out to her and told her that we loved her and cared about her and wanted her to be part of our lives but that we can't allow her around us when she gets in this "melt down" state.   

Your oldest and your husband both made good responses.  You have to protect your well being and set boundaries and enforce them.  It can be difficult, but by enforcing boundaries, you have the best chance to bring about some positive changes in your sister. 

Don't hesitate to call someone and chat about your situation.  Both suicide hotlines and domestic abuse hotlines are there to support the families of suicidal people. In some instances, suicide threats are a form of domestic abuse.  It can be confusing to sort things out and determine when you need to call for emergency assistance versus setting firm boundaries and taking a tough love approach.  The quote below is from a domestic abuse hotline.  They can be available to talk to you if you are in the U.S.

When Your Partner Threatens Suicide

It seems like a no-win situation. When someone you’re close to says something like this, it can feel like the world just stopped spinning.

People who have a mental illness, such as Borderline Personality Disorder, typically have a higher risk for suicide. Depression, a history of substance abuse, and other disorders carry risks as well. If your partner truly wishes to die and has a plan and intention to follow through, get immediate help. Call your local emergency number, or call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

But what if your partner regularly threatens suicide, particularly whenever you’re not doing something he or she wants you to do, or when you’re trying to leave the relationship? First, understand that this is a form of emotional abuse: your partner is trying to manipulate you by playing on your feelings of love and fear for them. You might get angry when this happens, but you also might feel like you have to give in to them in order to avoid a potential tragedy. When your partner makes these threats repeatedly, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and possibly help your partner as well.

Tell your partner you care about them, but stick to your boundaries. Giving in to threats over and over does not make a relationship healthy, and it only creates anger and resentment on your end. You could say something like, “You know I care about you very much, and I understand you’re upset right now, but I will not _____.”

Put the choice to live or die where it belongs – on your partner. You can’t be responsible for another person’s actions, no matter what – and this includes when your partner chooses to be abusive. An optional response is: “I think our relationship should be based on love and respect, not threats. I really care about you, but this is your choice and I can’t stop you from making it.”

Remember that no matter what your partner says, you don’t have to prove anything. Even though they might be saying something like, “If you really loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself,” the real truth is that there are unhealthy patterns in your relationship. Until those unhealthy patterns are addressed, they will most likely continue no matter how many times you give in to your partner’s demands.

If your partner often says they’re going to kill themselves when things aren’t going their way, they’re not showing you love – they’re likely trying to control your actions. If this is the case, consider the tips above and try to get help where you can. You might try talking to a counselor or other professional therapist, if that’s an option for you. But remember, you are not your partner’s counselor, and you can’t force your partner to get help if they don’t want to. They have to make that choice for themselves.

Please keep in mind that these tips may not be right for everyone; you know your own situation best. If you’d like to talk through these tips with one of our advocates, please get in touch with us by phone 24/7 or online chat everyday from 7am-2am CST. We’re here for you!