I haven't left yet, but I don't really want to stay either

[ManaKokua]

I'm yet another "in limbo" partner washing up on the shores of the bpdfamily beach... .

I have stayed with my likely BPD or NPD wife of 17 years because we have two kids (ages 13 and nearly 10), and I value seeing them every day. My wife's treatment of us isn't clear-cut abuse — it's more like "death by 1,000 cuts" nastiness with little jabbing comments and self-serving actions that leave the kids and I smarting. Over the past two years, I've started enforcing boundaries when my wife starts berating any of us, and that tends to stop the abuse at the time it occurs, though we are more emotionally distant than ever as a result of my newly found backbone. But does she get better? No. Will she go to therapy? "I don't have time," she says. And when she has carved out time to talk to a professional, it usually ends after just a couple of sessions. The last therapist didn't make it to session #2 before my wife pulled the plug.

Quite frankly, she doesn't know what to do with me these days, and I'm not sure what to do with myself, to be honest. In the past few months, I've found myself simultaneously A) planning a family summer trip to Europe, and B) interviewing divorce lawyers for the possibility of leaving. But I have also developed a capacity to withstand whatever comes from my wife. Whether or not I develop the courage to choose something better for myself remains to be seen.

Anyway, I'm hoping to get guidance from the people here as I attempt to figure out my next move — if I ever get around to making one. In the meantime, protecting myself and the best interests of my kids is my only real priority.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi ManaKokua, and

you do sound exhausted. i commend you for seeking support, and i hope that sharing your story and finding some commonality in the stories of others helps to know you arent alone in all of this.

the tools and lessons directly to the right will help you to both stabilize the situation and reduce stress for yourself, all of which can help guide your path going forward. if you have any questions about them, this is the place

what do you do for self care, ManaKokua? taking care of ourselves is critical, and a lot of us have a tendency to let it go by the wayside.

[ManaKokua]

what do you do for self care, ManaKokua? taking care of ourselves is critical, and a lot of us have a tendency to let it go by the wayside.

I try to engage in as much "me time" as possible — whether it's solo or with my male friends. Oddly enough, my wife (who is very extroverted and socially minded) encourages me in my friendships for the most part, which sounds out of character for someone who might very well have a personality disorder. (On the other hand, she frequently is disruptive — jealous, perhaps? — when I'm on the phone with my family of origin, so she's got that attribute, unfortunately.)

Mostly I want to stop beating myself up for being "indecisive" on the subject of staying or leaving. Or at the very least connect with some like-minded souls in a similar boat. In this "limbo" existence, I feel as though I'm dancing to two different songs at the same time... .and yes, that's exhausting.

[once removed]

glad to hear you are taking good care of yourself, and spending time with friends. it really is critical.

Mostly I want to stop beating myself up for being "indecisive" on the subject of staying or leaving.

its a hard choice to make, and not one that needs to be made today. the tools can really help in the decision making progress, while helping to stabilize things at the same time.

have you discussed your feelings of limbo with your wife, directly or indirectly?

[ManaKokua]

have you discussed your feelings of limbo with your wife, directly or indirectly?

Not directly. Once I made a casual reference to leavlng and she flipped out: "I KNOW you've been thinking about that!" To which I replied that, given her bad behavior, who wouldn't?

In the meantime, we're living mostly like roommates or co-parents under the same roof. It's not ideal, but maybe this is as good as it gets given all the factors?

[once removed]

i was assuming she probably senses your distancing.

but maybe this is as good as it gets given all the factors?

maybe, maybe not. where do you see your relationship in this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down