uBPD MIL adopting more children to feed her identity void

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I'm new! I've lurked for several years, but recent events have escalated to the point where I feel like my husband and I need direct support. I hope he'll make his own account, but in the meantime, here I am.

I've been sure since the early days of my marriage that my husband's mother had BPD. She's never been formally diagnosed with anything, but it's obvious she has an anxiety disorder, and BPD best fits her self absorption, emotional neediness and unpredictability. I married the split black eldest child/son, and, following a superficial welcome and a BPD honeymoon period of about a month, she started attacking me as well. I believe she felt I was a rival for her son's affection, and fought fiercely to discredit me to him and win him back. This damaged our fledgling marriage badly in ways we are still trying to overcome and interfered with our bonding as a new couple. In the intervening years, I also believe that I absorbed a great many of the verbal and emotional "punches" he had formerly taken so she could feel like she had the perfect family and he would not pull away from her. His other siblings are varying degrees of enmeshed, enabling, just trying to keep the peace, etc. SIL 2 has woken up, but is too loyal to limit contact for her own sanity's sake. We provide vent space and emotional support for her. FIL is 100% codependent and will never contradict her.

My husband and I have now been married almost 12 years. We are in our early 30s. We have a small child. I announced my pregnancy at the end of the youngest brother's freshman year of college and I believe uBPD MIL was unpleasantly reminded that she was about to be an empty nester and not actively mothering anymore. Being a mother, and as she believes, a better mother than most, has been her main source of identity for the last 30 years. Being "only" a grandmother makes her feel old and irrelevant. When my child was 1, MIL and enabling FIL announced they were taking foster parent classes with the goal to adopt, and about 8 months ago, they introduced two small children CPS had placed in their care. These children are 1 year and 3 years older than my child. They were immediately introduced to family outsiders as my child's "aunt and uncle." Never mind the fostering had barely begun and we had literally only met them, ourselves.

The adoption will be final 3 days after youngest brother graduates from college. uBPD MIL has taken very little interest in her (currently) only grandchild (SIL 1 is due this summer), and bristles when referred to as "Granny." MIL is high functioning in public and probably charmed her overburdened social worker into believing she was a godsend for these children. However, although she has fewer unpredictable tantrums than she used to, she is increasingly disassociated from reality and lives as a virtual hermit because the number of people she can predict and control is ever-shrinking. The soon-to-be adopted children are English Language Learners and behind their peers educationally, and she has already proven to be extremely cavalier about pulling them out of school to suit her vacation schedule. We are afraid for those children's mental and emotional health and appalled she is using them as living pawns to ensure she'll never be alone - she'll be past retirement age by the time they reach adulthood. We are grieving she cannot just enjoy being a grandmother. She has already used little things about our child to backhandedly insult us/me and criticize how we're raising her on multiple occasions. Thankfully, our daughter is still too young to understand or care.

A confrontation is coming because she has picked up on our marked lack of enthusiasm toward the adoption. Everyone else in the family has at least given lip service support, knowing she would accept nothing else. We have remained silent when she fishes for validation. We have no idea what to say or do. Calling CPS would do nothing because intangible abuse is notoriously hard to prove, and also because the hints we've gleaned about the children's background seem very dire. (No, we don't know. We were told nothing about them.) As awful as it sounds, it may well be better for them to receive the material stability of this household and endure the emotional brainwashing than to return to the foster system. We have no idea how to navigate this new relationship that was forced on us and that we are expected to embrace without question. My husband and 3 of his 4 siblings are all old enough to be these children's parents! Yet, we do not want to strain the relationship too much because my husband prioritizes his sibling relationships and upsetting MIL too much would cause them to take her side. We also want to be available to buffer the inevitable damage MIL inflicts upon these new children. But we are just reeling. We agreed that the in-laws will never be allowed to watch our daughter because we don't trust them to treat her fairly or consider her safety. But beyond that, what?

[Dutchbaby]

Hi, I'm new! I've lurked for several years, but recent events have escalated to the point where I feel like my husband and I need direct support. I hope he'll make his own account, but in the meantime, here I am.

I've been sure since the early days of my marriage that my husband's mother had BPD. She's never been formally diagnosed with anything, but it's obvious she has an anxiety disorder, and BPD best fits her self absorption, emotional neediness and unpredictability. I married the split black eldest child/son, and, following a superficial welcome and a BPD honeymoon period of about a month, she started attacking me as well. I believe she felt I was a rival for her son's affection, and fought fiercely to discredit me to him and win him back. This damaged our fledgling marriage badly in ways we are still trying to overcome and interfered with our bonding as a new couple. In the intervening years, I also believe that I absorbed a great many of the verbal and emotional "punches" he had formerly taken so she could feel like she had the perfect family and he would not pull away from her. His other siblings are varying degrees of enmeshed, enabling, just trying to keep the peace, etc. SIL 2 has woken up, but is too loyal to limit contact for her own sanity's sake. We provide vent space and emotional support for her. FIL is 100% codependent and will never contradict her.

My husband and I have now been married almost 12 years. We are in our early 30s. We have a small child. I announced my pregnancy at the end of the youngest brother's freshman year of college and I believe uBPD MIL was unpleasantly reminded that she was about to be an empty nester and not actively mothering anymore. Being a mother, and as she believes, a better mother than most, has been her main source of identity for the last 30 years. Being "only" a grandmother makes her feel old and irrelevant. When my child was 1, MIL and enabling FIL announced they were taking foster parent classes with the goal to adopt, and about 8 months ago, they introduced two small children CPS had placed in their care. These children are 1 year and 3 years older than my child. They were immediately introduced to family outsiders as my child's "aunt and uncle." Never mind the fostering had barely begun and we had literally only met them, ourselves.

The adoption will be final 3 days after youngest brother graduates from college. uBPD MIL has taken very little interest in her (currently) only grandchild (SIL 1 is due this summer), and bristles when referred to as "Granny." MIL is high functioning in public and probably charmed her overburdened social worker into believing she was a godsend for these children. However, although she has fewer unpredictable tantrums than she used to, she is increasingly disassociated from reality and lives as a virtual hermit because the number of people she can predict and control is ever-shrinking. The soon-to-be adopted children are English Language Learners and behind their peers educationally, and she has already proven to be extremely cavalier about pulling them out of school to suit her vacation schedule. We are afraid for those children's mental and emotional health and appalled she is using them as living pawns to ensure she'll never be alone - she'll be past retirement age by the time they reach adulthood. We are grieving she cannot just enjoy being a grandmother. She has already used little things about our child to backhandedly insult us/me and criticize how we're raising her on multiple occasions. Thankfully, our daughter is still too young to understand or care.

A confrontation is coming because she has picked up on our marked lack of enthusiasm toward the adoption. Everyone else in the family has at least given lip service support, knowing she would accept nothing else. We have remained silent when she fishes for validation. We have no idea what to say or do. Calling CPS would do nothing because intangible abuse is notoriously hard to prove, and also because the hints we've gleaned about the children's background seem very dire. (No, we don't know. We were told nothing about them.) As awful as it sounds, it may well be better for them to receive the material stability of this household and endure the emotional brainwashing than to return to the foster system. We have no idea how to navigate this new relationship that was forced on us and that we are expected to embrace without question. My husband and 3 of his 4 siblings are all old enough to be these children's parents! Yet, we do not want to strain the relationship too much because my husband prioritizes his sibling relationships and upsetting MIL too much would cause them to take her side. We also want to be available to buffer the inevitable damage MIL inflicts upon these new children. But we are just reeling. We agreed that the in-laws will never be allowed to watch our daughter because we don't trust them to treat her fairly or consider her safety. But beyond that, what?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Dutchbaby:  
It sounds like you have a complex situation with your MIL.  I can understand that it would cause you and your husband a lot of concern.  

A confrontation is coming because she has picked up on our marked lack of enthusiasm toward the adoption. Everyone else in the family has at least given lip service support, knowing she would accept nothing else. We have remained silent when she fishes for validation. We have no idea what to say or do.

The situation is something you and your husband will need to RADICAL ACCEPT.  It will be important to continue to NOT INVALIDATE her or the situation.  You don't have to validate her, just don't invalidate in any way (by word, expression or body language).  You might want to prepare some possible statements to make that would validate her feelings (in case you are forced to make a comment).  You don't want to validate any facts that are invalid.  You don't have to agree with the feelings to validate them.  Validating feelings is just about acknowledging them.  

The situation is what it is. You can't change it.  Be careful of getting into DRAMA TRIANGLES with other members of the family.  :)efinitely be cautious of social media, like Facebook.  If you don't have something nice to say, remain silent.  If the family is posting about it on each other's Facebook pages, just stay out of it.  

You and your husband can't change your MIL or change her choice to adopt the 2 children at this point.  The only thing you and your husband can do is set your personal BOUNDARIES and use certain communication skills to make things better for yourselves.  Avoid expressing your opinions, as it will only lead to conflict.  

I can understand that it will be disappointing that you child won't have a normal relationship with your MIL, but it sounds like you knew that before the adopted children entered the picture. Perhaps your daughter can have a normal grandparent relationship with your side of the family?  

I'm sure the days ahead will be challenging, but keep on sharing situations as they arise.  Various problems will likely evolve over time, so the boundaries will need to evolve as well.  

Take care.