Friends with Benefits. Is this possible?

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice.

I thought that being FWB might help me to detach from him.  I had given up on the idea that we could ever have a future together, so I thought this could be a way I could just ease myself out slowly and let my heart catch up to my brain.

We did the FWB's and I still felt a terrible attachment to him, even though I kept telling myself I didn't.  

It's actually a horrible feeling to be with someone that you love/loved, and that you used to be in a committed serious relationship with, to then be just a bed buddy to them.  

I did this, for a couple of weeks.  Then he sent me a text message to say that he couldn't see me again, because he had met someone, and he didn't want to confuse himself with the feelings that we share.

I wish that I hadn't gone back and tried to be friends on any level, but unfortunately I did.  It's been a year now, almost, since we went from him adoring me to discarding me overnight, and all the stuff in between.  

One thing that I can say for certainty, is that I will never go back.

It took me 12 months to figure this out.  But, I needed to do what I did.  I never got any closure when he discarded me last July.  Then I took him partially back in October, after his charm, but I still didn't have any answer to the discard.  This time, even though I felt so hurt and rejected, that he could just throw me away, again, I feel like I finally have the closure that I desperately wanted 12 months ago.  

I do believe that he loved me, when he said it.  But his feelings were superficial and changed rapidly, from moment to moment depending on how he felt.  So, the five years of our relationship, where I felt like we had built a strong bond from sharing our good and bad experiences together, had in reality, no lasting effect on him.  A one night stand or a five year relationship, is the exact same to him.  As long as he is getting a high/excitement, that's all that matters.

[Zemmma]

I have tried this several times and it always ends in pain. Going in I have the idea that I can provide unconditional love and that any contact is better than silence. As soon as he opens the door I go in, and I feel home and think he has seen the light. I try to display perfect behaviour. Certainly he will see how wonderful and loving I am and remember how head over heels he was in the beginning, and finally decide to be with me in a real way again. But no.

It is so hard to let go of the sex and intimacy when it is the best sex and intimacy you have ever experienced and you believe you will never have that again. What is beginning to help me is to recognize that he doesn't love me anymore. Deep down I always thought he did. I just thought he was messed up or I was misunderstood. If I could just show him how much I loved him... Knowing he is having sex with me without the love makes it less appealing. I think people can do casual sex, but at least for me I can't have casual sex with someone I am in love with. I also question how he can have casual sex with me and then walk away, after we have been in a r/s for 5 years. Why does it hurt me and not him? Did he value our relationship? Why doesn't he grow attached to me again in those moments? Why do I carry all of the pain? Why does he not worry that while he isn't committing, I might be finding someone else?

Once he decided he was done with me it was like he turned the emotions off. He could spend time with me, be affectionate, have sex, do the "alone" part of our relationship, but when I left he didn't miss me, didn't feel the pain of separation. He was detached and could take the sex and closeness, but he maintained he would not return to our "cycle" again. He did not want to pursue our r/s anymore.

My intentions going into FWB situations with him always became clear. I was using it as a way to get close to him with the hope that I could win him back. That was my true motive. To give yourself to someone 100% when they are only giving you a piece of them is painful. You put life on hold while they keep their options open.

[patientandclear]

It's actually a horrible feeling to be with someone that you love/loved, and that you used to be in a committed serious relationship with, to then be just a bed buddy to them.  

I did the emotional version of this, and can't agree more.  It's awful to realize that's what it is.

  I do believe that he loved me, when he said it.  But his feelings were superficial and changed rapidly, from moment to moment depending on how he felt.  So, the five years of our relationship, where I felt like we had built a strong bond from sharing our good and bad experiences together, had in reality, no lasting effect on him.  A one night stand or a five year relationship, is the exact same to him.  As long as he is getting a high/excitement, that's all that matters.

This is such a good summary of what finally broke my sense of loyalty to him and to our "bond."  That really isn't a bond, not on his side.  It's a temporary alignment.  He doesn't mind living his life that way -- or at least not most of the time.  He has a whole elaborate life philosophy that rationalizes these short lived but intense connections with other humans.

To me it feels like using, consuming, exploiting, and I can't feel the same way about him, now that I know this is what his feelings for me are.

Thanks for posting & updating, Dreamgirl.

[Rayban]

^ to me, this is the definition of a functioning BPD.

People that come and go from their lives. Even when they have a primary attachment, the allure of somone new is always around the corner.one night stands, exes reconnecting, new conquests, they just make it a lifestyle. 

[ForeverDad]

We did the FWB's and I still felt a terrible attachment to him, even though I kept telling myself I didn't.

It's actually a horrible feeling to be with someone that you love/loved, and that you used to be in a committed serious relationship with, to then be just a bed buddy to them.

I wish that I hadn't gone back and tried to be friends on any level, but unfortunately I did.  It's been a year now, almost, since we went from him adoring me to discarding me overnight, and all the stuff in between.

One thing that I can say for certainty, is that I will never go back.

It took me 12 months to figure this out.  But, I needed to do what I did.  I never got any closure when he discarded me... . This time, even though I felt so hurt and rejected, that he could just throw me away, again, I feel like I finally have the closure that I desperately wanted 12 months ago.

Closure is something a pwBPD generally can't give you, you'll have to Gift it to yourself.