BPD wife 3 weeks update

[Husband321]

So she called me and told me she got her own place downtown.  In the cool section of town basically for singles.  Keep in mind last week she wanted my babies.

She said she had time to think and misses me so much. But that she will
Be dating in the future.  All of it just really pissed me off so much. 

Also told me the sugar daddy site was just to find sex so it would be easier to get over me. So I shouldn't be jealous or think she is looking for a new relationship.

Wow. Like that makes it better?   Just feel so sick inside.

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[Husband321]

She also got her tattoo covered with a huge ugly design.  But has been contacting me how much she loves and misses me. And she finally had a chance to think.

[Herodias]

They really do think differently. It is sad and sickening. They rationalize what they do... .they really do miss us, but they have to have someone. Sorry you are going through this. They just say the things they think in their heads without thinking how it will effect us. My ex was actually reading the text messages to me that he and his gf were having when they were first dating and she was giving in to all his craziness... .he kept laughing about it in an evil way. I swear I looked at him in a whole new light. It was the strangest thing to watch. He suddenly looked at me and realized he shouldn't be showing it to me. They really don't think about what they do. I hope you can find a way to not listen anymore, unless it helps you detach. It will be heartbreaking, but you will see how odd the whole thing is. We really were in a situation that we had no control over and had no idea what was really happening. Learn what you can and get yourself healthy again. It is all you can do. 

[Husband321]

Now she came back to tell me she loves me and doesn't want a divorce.

Within 10 minutes she told me there is someone else, who she just wants to have sex with on occasion.  And if I would be ok with an open marriage.  This guy might fly here are she flies there to have sex.  He is engaged.  She won't say goodbye to him.

[Herodias]

She seems confused. She seems to want to hang on to both of you because she isn't sure which one of you will leave her. You have to decide what is best for you. I know it is awful, but can you trust her with your heart, health and future?  What are your boundaries and what are your limits? You have to decide what is best for you... .how do you want to live you life? Things to seriously think about now. So sorry... .it is very strange to deal with and very heartbreaking I know. 

[Husband321]

Now she told me she will change her number tomorrow and only wants to be with me. I will always have access to her phone and  she will go "all in"

Is this normal or customary for BPD?  All day until an ultimatum to finally tell me she only wants to be with me?

[Herodias]

I just heard something that insecure people will try and break up with people just to see how much you care and how much you will do or fight for them. So this does seem similar here. Mine did this type of thing as well. The problem comes in where they see this works on you and they can get away with doing it again. Again... .make boundaries and stick with them. You will be tested. There more you allow, the more they will test and the more they don't respect you. There is a fine line. Mine always let me see his e-mails or phone after he was caught doing something wrong. This didn't last long before he was pass-wording everything up again. You decide what's best for you... .

[Husband321]

Just been an out of control roller coaster.

Sunday: all day asking for an open marriage. Told me about some sugar daddy she wants to see who is into threesomes. A guy she mentioned over a year ago, but told me they had a horrible falling out. And that he just randomly emailed her the first time she moved out 3 weeks ago. I said no way on earth.

Sunday night:  all of a sudden changes her mind. Says she loves me more than ever. She wants to change her number, unlock her phone, and take her sugar daddy profile down.

Tuesday : I went to see the place she rented.   Only the second time she has seen it as well. She no longer likes it.  But paid 25k upfront for the entire year.

She asks me to live there with her.  Have two places with her.  And then asks me to help her get her money back. She then suggests putting all her money in my name as she is wasting it all due to being too impulsive.

Wednesday am : says she will move things back home.  I get home from work and she disappear again.  She comes back around 6pm. Still never unlocked her phone, changed her number, or took dating profile down.

Thursday I go to work and she calls a moving truck while I am gone.  I randomly call her during the day and she says "movers are here".  I tell her to have them leave my house and she does.  I get home and she is cleaning the fridge.

Thursday night again she is "confused". Wants to keep "her own place" again.  Now it is just for her.  Wants an open marriage. Then changes mind again to not wanting her place.

Things are just so bad.  Not sure how to get a hold of this situation. 

[Husband321]

She moved into her own place and had the utilities put on.

She sent me a random text last night that her place is "loud" which I didn't respond to.

I am guessing ALL of this from my original thread stems from another guy resurfacing from a year ago. I am feeling better though and getting to a better place.

She still has things at my place, and of course still married. It just amazes me how nonchalant she is when she says "well I wanted to be married.  But now don't want to be a wife and clean all day". Which she never even did

[Herodias]

It's like they take two steps forward and one step back... .then repeat and repeat. I think she is showing you where she is headed, just unsure of the whole thing. Leaning on you for support. You need to get your head together and figure out what is next for you. She has other people in mind and is ready to be out of this relationship with you. Mine told me that "too much had happened." He still had a foot in the door, but totally moved on. It's a horrible feeling I know. It is incredibly sad to see what you thought you had unfold in this matter... .Please look at this in reality and from the outside looking in. What would you tell your best friend? You are your best friend... .go from there. Forget all the non-sense. What are you going to do for you?

[Husband321]

Yes. She wanted to keep seeing me.  Even last night.

However she acts as if there are no problems,and we should just have fun. If any topic comes up she just had a blank stare.  It's bizarre. No emotion.  No expression. Says nothing.

Honestly can't really hang out and have fun with this sort of turmoil... .

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Honestly, husband321, seems like IF you are going to stay with her, and I am not suggesting you should or shouldn't, that the abraxus approach may have the most merit.  I personally think it would be hard to execute, but living with a pwBPD will be hard regardless.  So that strategy with her in particular may be effective.  You probably just need to pick a strategy and stick with it.  Can you execute this? What was working for you with this approach?  What wasn't?

Or not stay with her at all.  You seem like a good guy who could have a really nice, "normal," and satisfying relationship with a nice,"normal" woman.  Extrication is hard but doable.  And in my case worth the hell of getting there.

Or you could also divorce her (or not), let her have her own place, and do an open marriage.  IF that appeals to you.  But I don't think for even one second that this option would end the drama or roller coaster lifestyle.

Routing for you!

[Husband321]

The abraxus approach DID work.  The problem was how I originally reacted to her starting petty arguments and talking to me differently. However NOW I found out she was doing that because another man was in the picture.

So that led to a ton of more arguments.   I guess I am saying the abraxus approach is difficult once you find out she is cheating or trying to. Which is sort of what I expected before. 

[Herodias]

"If any topic comes up she just had a blank stare.  It's bizarre. No emotion.  No expression. Says nothing."

Exactly... .now you see how it is from a different perspective. It was always there. We thought we were both so in love that we were looking at things differently. I eventually saw the blank stare and the non-emotion (except hate and joy). It is really scary actually. That's when it become hard to be involved and it can become dangerous. You can tell her how you want things to be and what you are comfortable with, that's your right. You have to make your boundaries and stick with them. If you sway, the drama will continue. I am pulling for you too. Be strong.

[Husband321]

"If any topic comes up she just had a blank stare.  It's bizarre. No emotion.  No expression. Says nothing."

Exactly... .now you see how it is from a different perspective. It was always there. We thought we were both so in love that we were looking at things differently. I eventually saw the blank stare and the non-emotion (except hate and joy). It is really scary actually. That's when it become hard to be involved and it can become dangerous. You can tell her how you want things to be and what you are comfortable with, that's your right. You have to make your boundaries and stick with them. If you sway, the drama will continue. I am pulling for you too. Be strong.

Exactly. she could talk all day and night.  But when I say things pertaining to our relationship, it was just a dead stare with no words.  No emotions.  The woman who wanted my babies and to sign all her money over to me the night before, just had a complete blank stare.

What is that blank stare?  Are they thinking something?

[Herodias]

Good question- it could be confusion or not knowing how to answer. I'm not totally sure. Usually they blurt things out, but those times when my ex went blank, he seemed confused or was trying to come up with a manipulative tactic to use. Maybe it depends on the situation.

[Husband321]

Well the tables seemed to have turned a bit.

She was gone Friday and I ignored her texts at night.  Saturday night she facetimes me and was out with her mom. So she started texting me asking what I was doing.

I have a female friend who I told about this situation for the past week. She wants to help me get on my feet, help me around the home etc. she was over.  So I told me ex "Susan is over helping me"   My ex went ballistic, said I hate you, never talk to me again etc.  I explained it was her who disappeared, was on a dating site, asking for an open relationship etc.

So then my ex came over and was perfect angel all day Sunday and Saturday night. telling me she loves me etc.  tons of sex.  I did not bring up one questions or future issue as personally I am tired of it.   

At this point I truly do not care as much and it is me letting go.  She senses it and now she doesn't want to let go.

Not sure where this is headed or what's next.  She was just explaining she is truly upset and hurt I already had a girl over.  But she does know she can't really say anything.  Any predictions what is nezt?

[Herodias]

Short lived love-bombing, then anger at you for what "you did" to her. Then back to her original plan with a vengeance. Be safe...

[abraxus]

Exactly. she could talk all day and night.  But when I say things pertaining to our relationship, it was just a dead stare with no words.  No emotions.  The woman who wanted my babies and to sign all her money over to me the night before, just had a complete blank stare.

What is that blank stare?  Are they thinking something?

Yeah, she's thinking that she has no idea what to say. A relationship is something she has no idea how to handle in a normal, adult way, like you or I. In many ways she's told you that herself when she told you that she wants you to take charge, and has proved it by reacting positively whenever you do, and so is probably confused at why you're even discussing something with her that she considers is your domain. She clearly hates making decisions, and prefers to be told what's happening rather than debate it, and then having to decide.

In fact I'll make a bet with you. Offer to take her dinner, and if you ask her where she wants to eat she'll get confused, and maybe even impatient or annoyed, but tell her instead, or just take her somewhere, and she'll be happy.

So, her blank stare is quite normal in the context of who she is, and probably no different to the blank stare you'd get from a child if you tried to discuss the nuances of parenting with them.

[abraxus]

Hey, I've been away for a while, but thought I'd check in and see how you were doing. It seems a bit up and down, so here are my thoughts.

I'll be the first to admit that my approach is hard to maintain if you're not that kind of person. If you're not then it will be a struggle forever, as you'll keep slipping back, and she'll keep acting up. So, in many ways it can be easier to take the short term pain, by bailing now, than enduring it repeatedly.

That said, here's my personal opinion of why I think my approach works. In my experience, many people with BPD demonstrate exactly the same behaviours and emotions as anyone else, regardless of how it may seem. The BIG difference is the sensitivity of those emotions, and the speed in which they react to them.

For example. Anyone who's feeling a little uncertain, unwanted or insecure may consider, threaten, or actually leave a relationship. They may also find someone else, and either cheat or rebound. It happens all the time with non disordered people, but often it will play out over months, or even years. However, a BPD person is much more highly sensitive to the remotest thing that might cause them to feel insecure, and faster to act on it and so, what might usually take months, can happen in weeks, days or even hours, minutes and seconds.

As an example, I was having drinks with an ex of mine, and we were laughing, having fun, and a good night. Once we'd finished I said I'd pay and then take her home, as I knew she had to be up early in the morning. All pretty normal and even considerate, except that out of nowhere she got angry with me. Of course I immediately knew why, and so I laughed at her, which calmed her down and made her realise what got her so upset. Instead of seeing my offer to pay, and take her home early, as being thoughtful, she completely misread it as me wanting to get rid of her early, and so her abandonment fears kicked in, and she reacted.

That's how they think and feel, always on the defensive, and on the look out for rejection, and so often their actions aren't to be mean, thoughtless or hurtful, but are instead born of fear and panic. That's something that's hard for most people to get their head around, let alone be aware of or attuned to. (For the record, it helps with your own sanity to be mindful of that, as once you start to see her as the frightened person that she often is, you then don't take it so personally.)

As a consequence though, people get blindsided by the sheer speed of it, can't keep up, and so are always one step behind. Every move they make is a response to one she made 5 moves ago, and so is not always appropriate to where she is now.

So, rather than having to have lightning fast reflexes, perception and responses, the alternative is to stop coming from behind, and always reacting, and instead to get ahead. The only way you can do that is to ignore what she says or does, and instead focus only on what you want to do, what you expect, and then clearly communicate that. In other words, you lay out the agenda of husband321, and invite her along for the ride, making it clear that it won't alter, or wait for her if she decides to jump off. That way she has to always react and keep up with you, rather than the other way round.

I say it's tough because you always have to mean what you say and stick by it. ALWAYS. You may think you're being kind by giving her the odd free pass, but she'll read it as you being inconsistent, and so will find it hard to trust you. I promise you, she would rather you be firm and unyielding with her, than wishy washy and accommodating, because the former provides her with certainty, and thus security, which is the thing she wants most. Of course she may whine, and push you to back down at times but usually, consciously or otherwise, it's a test, to see if you'll stand your ground. If you don't, any short term pleasure she gets, and peace you get, will quickly be replaced by confusion, uncertainty and insecurity, which will result in her starting to act up again.

Over time, the more you stand firm with the bad, the more she'll trust you with the good, and her insecurities may improve. However, the tests may reduce but will never end, and each time you slip, you'll be back to square one.

So, in a nutshell, that's my personal opinion of what you're faced with, but only you can decide whether you want, or are able, to deal with it.

[Husband321]

Well at this point she now seems to be worried I have moved on.  

So she has her "new place" but has not been there yet for a night and wants to give me the keys to it.  She also bought me clothes, shoes, put her car in my name, and tells me she is "crazy in love with me" and can't not be with me.

I am not enthusiastic but just going with the flow for now.  

[Husband321]

What I have found is this.  

If I ever put my foot down, or ask her to do something, she is stubborn and won't.

It's not until I tell her "ok look.  Go move into your own place.  I am done". Then she goes to extreme lengths to be with me.

As of now she put many things in my name, is breaking her lease that she pre paid, and moved her things back home.

However.  This is what happened Monday.  She was again"not happy" about something and began moving things into her car.  I said "ok go. See you".  Then she stopped, said we have to work things out, and took other steps yesterday to intertwine us more, mainly with finances.  

It seems this relationship only works if I don't seem to care when she plans to leave.

Here is an exact example.  "Look. I won't be with you anymore if you have your own place and I expect you to break that lease.  ". Her reply : "well I am scared and I can't. ".  5 minutes later as she is packing   "Ok look. Just keep your place.  Have a great time.  I am moving on. Need any help".  Her:  "ok look.  We need to work this out. I am calling right now to break this lease"