Thank you so much Wools and Kwamina for your replies!
What have you read to help you understand BPD? It is different from the standpoint of a parent being disordered, yet similar at the same time. Can you tell me how you would compare what you have learned from your previous relationship and that of your parents? Do you see similarities?
I can Imagine how difficult this must have been for you as a child. Could you perhaps give some examples of how your parents treated you as a child, especially the times when their PD traits became very evident?
I also encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board. When you look at the guide, what are the areas you are currently struggling on or would like to work on?
To answer both your questions I have read alot about BPD as it has concerned my romantic relationships, the push/pulls, recycling, splitting, projecting, abandonment, engulfment, etc. I have those concepts pretty well figured out. Also started reading a lot about emotionally incestuous relationships and parental alienation dynamics, which are helping me figure out why I have such a problem standing up for myself, creating boundaries, and consciously thinking and acting on my feelings in a healthy manner.
Over time I have realized that relationship with my parents had many of same dynamics as my BPD relationships in the sense that are family has intense intrapersonal dysfunctions. I am surprised now that I am becoming more aware of the dynamics in the family how scared I was to share my true feelings. I realize now my vulnerability as a child made me extremely impressionable and want to please others; at no cost to them and all costs to myself. As if that’s healthy.
Many times during my relationship I felt so frustrated about all the drama (real and perceived by my ex) and how I would think “why can’t she just calm down!” and then thinking “no this is how it is supposed to be” and now I am connecting it to all the drama in my childhood. How concerned my parents were about appearances, about making sure all of our emotions were “proper, disciplined, and good”, and how any potentially negative emotions (by me or my siblings) was not appropriate. Only mom and dad were allowed to be negative (and they were…a lot at eachother and at us).
Both parents are high-functioning individuals so the tell-tale symptoms are only known within the nuclear family. Both are financially successful well-esteemed members at their jobs, have friends, and are considered pillars of their respective communities and social groups.
None of the family properly talk about the inner dynamics of course, because this was considered "normal". Basically it just “mom’s weird” , “dad’s messed up” and that’s it. Because of my Mom’s concerted alienation campaign my dad has got 98% of the abuse, although over the years all my siblings and myself have distanced ourselves intuitively because mom left dad and the some complaints and problems are now being replicated with the new hubby.
Although it has been hard to admit to myself and the image of our “happy family” both extended families have histories of alcoholism, physical, sexual, and mental abuse, and overtly narcissistic family dynamics. Two of my three siblings have had sexual abuse events that I know of for sure (non-family perpetrators), and I suspect the other does as well although I can’t prove it. In some ways it feels very strange because I seem to have avoided those calamities at least (I consider myself the lucky one sometimes although it is a strange feeling I can’t describe almost like survivor’s guilt).
As a child, holidays were hell and are family had overtly narcissistic dynamics. We were held up to higher standard because we were "special" and as kids we were not allowed to think or feel anything that wasn't in line with our parents wishes.
There was lots of splitting going on all the time, made worse by the religiosity of my parents (who both are totally non-religious now that it doesn’t suit their needs interestingly). "God" was used to justify their actions and this was used as manipulation again us to make us feel guilty and not question their actions. Black and white thinking was the norm of the day in the house, there was nothing in between and lots of “family meetings” that descended into accusations between the parents of which child colluded with which parent.
Dad (NPD) was on a mission to turn us into the perfect family (he never had) and we were constantly criticized for not working hard enough or not loving him enough to prove that we were trying to be better. Our lives were all about fulfilling his needs and his wants, and our hobbies and interests were chosen based on his whims. For example I wasn't allowed to play baseball as a kid because it wasn't a "real sport" even though I really wanted to play. I was a pudgy child and dad called me fat or I was gonna die on more than one occasion (I was 8 years old). Once in a rage, he had a terrible temper tantrum on several occasions when we were kids, he told me he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. He ignored me for days once after saying this while I desperately tried to talk to him. That sure rings a bell now doesn’t it? No wonder when my BPD-ex discarded and ignored me it hurt so much!
I remember many instances of having to re-clean rooms because they weren’t to his standards. When I was older good grades were “mediocre” and I was supposed to be perfect. All of us excelled academically because that was required in our family. Bad behaviour was only punished if our grades were not good. For example my sister was caught drinking but her grades were good, she got a slap on the wrist. When I got caught for doing something wrong and my grades were bad, I was threatened with being thrown in an orphanage. At present my relationship with my father is now very good, because we have had very open discussions about what he did and where he went wrong (I have laid into him more than a few times about most of these events). All the kids had quite strong boundaries with him after the divorce (as everything was his fault, which was in line with mom’s thinking) so he has spent the last 15 years really trying hard to build relationships with us kids. I am very proud of how hard he has tried, he really is there for us in general.
Mom (waif-codependent- BPD traits I think) constantly complained to my older sister and I about how crazy and unloving my dad was. She constantly told us about her problems stresses and anxieties and we sat listening and tried to console her. My older brother was completely ignored by her and left to his own devices (he suffers from severe bipolar now although treatment has helped him alot, although he never told my parents). Mom never raged or anything but she is 100% filled with resentment and pain, as she has gotten older and her new marriage to my dad’s replacement didn’t work out she has become a pit of sorrow that even before all of these realizations came to me made me cringe to be in a serious conversation with me. No-one ever questions Mom’s actions, or her part in family problems. She is just the victim and her only flaw was trying too hard to put up with Dad. Wow, now I know where I get my co-dependent victim character. My mom is extremely manipulative and capable of swaying whole groups of people to her opinion. She always gets her way and has my three other siblings at least tacitly approving of her opinions and actions. While I always saw my dad for what he was, I didn’t realize till my BPD-ex how disordered my mother is. I confronted her about her lack of compassion and empathy in my current situation (first time in my life I truly called her on her actions). Her response has been silence. She hasn’t responded to the email I sent for over a month now.
Anyways these are my thoughts for now. Basically the type of environment I think I was in was emotionally abusive, and incestuous. It seems that this had made me think this is “normal” in my various romantic relationships. I have looked at the survivor’s guide, still don’t know what I think yet, still thinking about it.
Thanks for reading my ramblings, still a lot of processing to do here!
