Struggling to cope with sibling relationship

[frostysister]

Hello Everyone,

I have only ever really spoken about BPD with my parents, so I am happy to have found these online resources to get a different perspective. I also need to get all of this off my chest anonymously. I am going to try to be as honest as I can and admit how I feel – even if it’s ugly. I can’t really do that anywhere else.

I was a child when my sister was diagnosed with BPD and I didn’t come to understand what exactly was happening until I was an adult. I believed that my sister hated me and that I was somehow the cause of all of her problems. She would insult me and become irate if I was praised or any of the family focus was on me. I was ugly, boring, stupid, a baby. She would hit me, scream at me, throw things and threaten to harm herself. My parents were at a loss for what to do - I would frequently find my mom crying in her room and feel responsible for it. I began to outright avoid my sister out of fear. Maybe if I was very quiet and very good it would get better. I faded in to the background of my family, but this only made things worse. I expect that she felt rejected by me and likely still does.

I have internalized nearly every negative thing my sister said to me as a child/teenager and this has directly affected my sense of self-worth in ways I am only now beginning to realize. I have deep resentment for her and the ways that she has put me down over the years. I have tried to explain this to her when she has confronted me about my avoidance, but she denies any responsibility whatsoever and the conversation becomes about her feelings and my mistreatment of her. I don’t know how to have a real conversation with her without causing more damage to all of us. I am conflicted because I need acknowledgement for how she has treated me in the past, but I also realize that she was not in total control in those situations and sometimes still isn’t.

As two adults we only really interact when we both visit my parents, and even in these cases I feel intensely anxious and often angry. I try to be friendly and happy but often I fail. I speak to her, but basically avoid all meaningful conversation because I know that I can’t handle a confrontation when one inevitably comes up. I am afraid that I will say something wrong or she will say something hurtful and I will unravel. I know that this hurts my parents because they want me to help support her and for us to be closer. This is a main source of guilt for me. They have a very difficult time and I feel like I only make it harder on them. I can hear the irritation in my mother’s voice any time that I voice challenges with my sister. She wishes that I could just deal with it and not have to come to her with more problems.  I feel like a terrible person who will never be able to forgive, accept and have an actual relationship with my sister. I love her but I don’t know how to be there for her and protect myself at the same time.

Presently everything is rising to top because I have been planning my wedding and it is basically a secret within my family. We never speak of it in front of my sister, but all of her successes and happy moments are constantly praised. I want to be able to discuss the wedding openly with my family and plan with them - I want to have my happy time. As always, her feelings will always come first and there is nothing I can do about that. I feel selfish and guilty for being angry about this and it is only causing more angst surrounding the wedding in general. I don’t know what will happen at the actual event or whether my sister will be able to be involved appropriately. I don’t know if I want her involved at all. I try to talk to my parents about my feelings, but things are so complicated. They suggest ways that I can cater better to my sister so she will feel comfortable with my wedding, but this does not help with my angry feelings towards the whole situation. I don’t want to have to censor my conversation topics and tamper down my good news because my sister can’t handle it. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know if I want to move forward. I am somewhat comfortable in the darkness, hating her and loving her and avoiding all the consequences. Thank you for the opportunity to write this out.

[Kwamina]

Hi frostysister

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding

You had quite a difficult childhood as a result of growing up with a BPD sister.

I know that this hurts my parents because they want me to help support her and for us to be closer. This is a main source of guilt for me. They have a very difficult time and I feel like I only make it harder on them.

Though it might be hard on your parent, I do want to say that it is not your responsibility to support your sister. You can choose to do so if you want to, but you most definitely aren't obliged to if it is at the expense of your own well-being. Your feelings matter too and your childhood and current situation with your family of origin isn't easy.

There are tools that might help you better interact with your sister. Since you have already been aware of BPD for quite some time, you might already know them but I am going to list them anyway:

Validate, don't invalidate, but only validate the valid

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

These tools don't offer a 100% guarantee of success, but following the scripts can increase your chances of success and can also help you stay more calm yourself. These structured ways of communicating help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person.

You were a child when your sister was diagnosed with BPD, did she ever get any targeted treatment for her BPD back then? Is she currently receiving any treatment for her issues?

Take care and I hope to hear more from you later

The Board Parrot