Introduction, wife with BPD

[kite4007]

Hi all,

This seems like a great resource! Only recently (in the last few months) did I start coming to grips that my wife may have BPD. I'm in the process of reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, and it's been a revelation. Bells started going off one page after another; so many recognizable traits were being pointed out.

Going by the introduction point, I've definitely felt lonely/ isolated. I've been married for 16 years, and it's been bad for many years. But in the last few, it's really been bad. I developed an eating disorder, became anxious and depressed etc. Several family members strongly suggested that I leave the relationship, and I almost did. But there was so much conflicting information, I don't know what's truth and lies anymore. I've stayed in the relationship, but am only now coming to grips with what I'm dealing with (I guess that's phase 1?). I would love to:

• Help understand what BPD is about, and what I can do to safeguard myself, and not let my SO steamroll me over & over
• Get in touch with other people who are dealing with the same issue
• Get advice on dealing with specific situations
• Understand what would be involved if I *were* to end the relationship, what all is involved with that.

We'll keep it at that for now!

At this point, thanks for reading.

I'm looking forward to learning more, associating with positive like-minded people, and getting myself in a healthy state again... .and then we'll go from there

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Welcome!

There is a lot to learn. Very little is intuitive.

• Understand what would be involved if I *were* to end the relationship, what all is involved with that.

A lot depends on your situation. Do you have children? Are you in business together? Have you tried the tools? Is she open to therapy?

Can you tell us a bit about your relationship?

We can help you with tools to get immediate relief in the day to day relationship. We can also help you with sorting out the prognosis.

Have you read this?

bpdfamily.com encourages couples to spot the classic pattern of relationship breakdown and take action before it goes too far.

Stage One The first stage of the breakdown process involves intractable conflict and complaints. All couples have conflicts from time to time, but some couples are able to resolve those conflicts successfully or 'agree to disagree', while others find that they are not. As we observed earlier, it is not the number or intensity of arguments that is problematic but rather whether or not resolution of those arguments is likely or possible. Most important... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[kite4007]

Thanks for the response Skip. There's a lot to tell, but let me just respond to your questions in turn:

A lot depends on your situation. Do you have children? Are you in business together? Have you tried the tools? Is she open to therapy?
-> Yes, my wife has two sons. I've been in their life since they were 7 and 9, there are now 24 and 26. With one son we have a great relationship, the other one won't talk to us. That son actually accused my wife of treating me badly. There have also been screaming matches between my wife and him. However currently my wife is absolving herself of any mistakes. `I don't know why he won't talk to me, I have done nothing wrong`. Which is very much not the case.
Then we have a 3-yr old girl, she's absolutely amazing. However my wife is often very gruff with her. Recently there was an incident where the 3-yr old told my wife she doesn't like her (come on, it's a 3-yr old). My wife ended up sulking for 2 days, saying that her daughter hates her and loves only me.
On the tools, I'm just over halfway in SWOE, an absolutely amazing resource. It's helping me understand her behavior, and just now starting to use the tools to protect myself. We have had couples therapy before, but that ended badly. My wife absolutely does not want to give up doing the finances, `because it's the only thing she can control`. And she said `well if he does it, then I would be unhappy. So I want to keep doing it, because I want to be happy`.  It's been a major point of contention, and one where we see things very differently. I like to save and research before making purchases. She on the other hand is impulsive and spends every penny (and then some) each month.

Can you tell us a bit about your relationship?
-> It started out good. I had not been in a relationship before, but she idolized me. In a grocery store, I only had to look in the direction of something, and she would buy it for me. I actually broke it up at some point, because I figured we were too different; had different goals and interests. But we got back together and got married. Finances have been an issue all along, but we made it work. In the last few years however her moods became increasing erratic, and she is very critical of me at times. She will berate me in front of family/ guests, makes all or nothing statements, and it's nearly impossible to have a rational discussion without her becoming defensive and blowing up. Nearly everything is everyone else's fault; she rarely takes responsibility. Nearly every conversation we have includes information on how something or someone `pissed her off` today. I have also confided some very private information to her, which then got leaked to other people. But she's absolutely denying that she told anyone.
When things came to a head about a year ago, I confronted her and was about to leave the relationship. She threatened to kill herself if I'd leave, because she would have no one left. We ended up talking things out, but I think most of it was lies. I know 90% in my gut what the truth is, but she is so convincing at times... .I just can't tell for sure.

We can help you with tools to get immediate relief in the day to day relationship. We can also help you with sorting out the prognosis.
-> That would be great! I'm already starting with keeping a journal of incidents. It's helping me take some distance, and get an understanding of when she gets upset. A prognosis would be very helpful too. From what I'm reading in SWOE, so many things just ring true... .BPD must be it.

Have you read this?
-> I just read this yesterday actually, and recognized it with a stone in my gut. I'm afraid that I'm at stage 4 already. But I would like to reverse this if possible. She does have positive attributes as well... .she has a big heart, wants to help everyone, is very loving most of the time, and is good at organizing.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Kite

Welcome to the forum! I'm very glad you've found us but very sorry to hear about your troubles. It's incredibly difficult to cope with BPD behaviours in our loved ones.

I'm glad you're reading about BPD and the Stop Walking on Eggshells. I found the more I learnt and understood the less I reacted.

My BPD is my adult son who is 26, diagnosed at 24. I encourage you to learn as much as you can about BPD, a starting place is the tool bar on the top right hand side of this page. My relationship has significantly improved and stabilised since I've used better communication and validation skills. This is where I started while I worked out things in my head, what I felt I should do for the best for all my family...

I think you'll get a better response in our Improving Board and I'll move your post there. We learn from each other and the sharing has been key to turning my family relationships around, despite our problems.

I look forward to reading your posts.

LP

[kite4007]

Hi LP,

thanks for moving the post, that makes sense! There are so many good resources here... .as I'm reading them, I'm already feeling calmer.

The unknown is often scary. The more I can read about the topic and understand what's going on, the better I should be able to handle this, and remain calm/ sane.

It's good to hear that your relationship has improved with those skills! I can definitely see where I have been attributing to my wife's behavior. By not standing up for myself and letting her `rage on`, it just keeps the vicious circle going. I would *love* to work on setting those boundaries, empathize with her. I also find myself saying `sorry` a LOT, when things are not even my fault. Need to work on that

Greetings,
Kite