Enjoying less drama...sort of

[sanemom]

Last summer BPD mom was supposed to start supervised visits and engage with a parenting facilitator and get a therapist for herself.  As far as we know, she has only done some supervised visits, but she has not done the latter two.  The last two visits she has canceled the day of.  I am not sure this is good for SS16 either since he will not have any practice navigating his relationship with her the rate things are going, but maybe the space will give him time to mature.  I could be wrong, but I get the sense that he won't blame BPD mom for anything; in fact, it would not surprise me at all if he was blaming himself for the fact that he only has supervised with his mom... .blaming himself for getting so alienated from his dad (they are great now).

The older college kids are slowly coming back around to their dad and spending time with him... .I am not sure if it is because the judge called BPD mom an alienator (and she told the kids) or because they saw how BPD mom completely lost the ability to see their brother due to her behavior, but MAYBE they are starting to see some of the issue here.  I would think it would be hard NOT to take notice.  They still completely defend her and gush on social media how she is the best mom in the world (she apparently needs such affirmation).  I was thinking that if I were a teen, I would be googling PA, but I wouldn't tell anyone I had.

Something legal has happened with one of the college kids (as in he broke the law), and their BPD mom doesn't know yet.  I am sure she will flip out when she finds out that the person he told was his stepmom (me) and not her.  We have not heard a peep from her since she lost in court, and it has been so nice, but I have a feeling that may change when she finds out the latest... .

I have been reading those who have made it out on the other side... .isn't it nice for things to calm down after being in a hurricane for so long?  Once the drama stopped, I did stop coming to this board for a while.  It is like I needed to pretend I had a normal life for once, I think, .  

Anyone else in the calm of the storm?

[bunny4523]

Hello,

I think the kids see it as they get older and definately feel it while they are young, just don't understand it. 

The calm doesn't last for long does it?  It is draining to say the least.  Even when you don't engage or let it "in" to your world... .it still manages to take a toll on us.  It's like dealing with 2 year olds that never grow up or my favorite reference is irrational teenagers.

Something I try to think about is... .if these situations are upsetting to me, imagine what it does to the person with BPD.  I try to realize the emotional toll they put on their own pysche and mind. What a way to live... .

Enjoy the kids... .they will figure it out and they will enjoy the stability and conistencies that you offer. Keep up the good work and remember it is ok if the ex blows a gasket... .it's her problem, not yours.  You have been brought into these kids lives for a reason, don't lose focus of that.

Bunny   

[Thunderstruck]

There are definitely times when uBPDbm is quiet... .I usually spend most of that peaceful time worrying about when the other shoe will drop. 

I do think that losing court "battles" makes uBPDbm retreat for awhile. She also seems to give us some peace when she is dating someone (but when they break up we go back to being targeted enemy number 1).

I'm hoping by the time SD12 is your older SS's and SD's age that our contact with uBPDbm will be next to none and we will mostly be validating SD and giving feedback on how to navigate her relationship with her mother.

[ennie]

Yes, ish. Things calmed for us and I focused on other things and visited the boards less. Then after some calm and me focusing more on my life than I had in 10 years, my DXH went through his own crisis that he had put off for 17 years, and abruptly left me. Wow,  I suddenly saw how much of an addict to high intensity and drama he is, when for most of my marriage to him it seemed to be BPDx creating drama.  But the second it quieted, DXH created a series of crises culminating in him leaving me for someone he knew 5 days.

All that said, the calm is over. SD17 has decided not to live wiht her mom and is furious, and this is resulting in lots of drama. I am still involved in parenting and am a major support person for all parties, weirdly. But at the same time, I go home to living alone and being mostly at peace.  So I have some calm in all of this, and am finally allowing this not to run my life.  At the same time, I really want to support my SGirls, and they (17 and 13) are really open to that. I love them and at this point, I am the only parent SD17 trusts, so my calm really helps her to have her own calm.  Teaching her to be the calm place in a storm is what we are working on now. She is doing as well as can be expected.

Meanwhile, I am about to go hiking for a month!  So I am about to get a whole lot more calm.

Enjoy it while it lasts. I loved the point at which I finally just did not get caught up in BPDx's drama, just let it be soemthing not related to me that was really a lot of fluff.  That felt great.  Now I am more focused on my own inner grief and liberation processes, and it is hard to imagine feeling great again, but all in all, it is good.

[NorthernGirl]

 I am sure she will flip out when she finds out that the person he told was his stepmom (me) and not her.  
Anyone else in the calm of the storm?

DH and I are seeing relative calm at the moment, but also waiting for what is next. Since DH has sole guardianship of SS22, he will always have some dealings with his ex. However, that has been significantly reduced from when they were joint guardians and had to negotiate everything. 

uBPD definitely was jealous when the boys (usually SS22) told me something before or instead of her. She tends to take it out on SS22 and so we validate him while pointing out that since he lives mostly with us, he is naturally going to tell me things. When SS25 was arrested (when he was about 16), he called DH because he knew we would be more reasonable. My guess is his Mom doesn't even remember that now -- and would have "re-shaped" history in the re-telling. In her mind, she has always done everything for SS25 (her golden child).

Just this weekend DH and I commented on how we have had relative calm for enough months that we should probably expect some uBPD drama soon. Sadly, she seems to get ramped up every 6 months or so. Even more upsetting is that SS25 has been diagnosed BPD.

DH and I try to review what we are grateful for every day. It helps reminds us we are basically drama-free at the moment. Even if that changes, at least we had some good days to help us recharge!