Well I relapsed. Lesson learned

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Some of you might remember my story. Well I allowed myself to get drawn back in maybe a month ago. Just as friends. Not really because it was just me sacrificing for her. Buying her dinners, coming to her apartment to keep her company etc. Then I guess she saw that I wasn't really interested so she started making physical moves onto me again. Past 2 weeks I saw the devalue phase coming. She said it was her hormones and there was nothing wrong. I even told her we should talk about what's going on.

Sure enough on Friday she said she didn't want to spend time together this weekend. I accepted that. Then she changed her mind. I clearly told her that I feel like she would resent me if she changed her mind because she thought I wanted her too. Big mistake. Well Saturday evening after 6 hours of silence from her she told me she didn't want to do this again.

She admitted that she hurt me and that she is "not well" and needs to work on herself. I respect that. Am I angry? Yeah. But at myself. Everyone, and I mean everyone, told me not to go back. I probably had to prove to myself that she really was this person that I thought she was. And sure, I allowed my insecurities to be tapped again.

I told her in the most direct terms that I could that I can never hear from her again. I explained the whole recycle phase to her in the hope she will understand. Maybe she will. I also pried for an answer as to why she broke it off again. She said she was depressed. She said it wasn't about us. And then she finally admitted that she still has anger and resentment from a very long time ago with me. And that it all came up. And as we all know that wasn't something she could talk about even when I offered her to speak about what was on her mind.

So there ya have it. Another living example of the recycle. Both break ups came about because I set boundaries. Probably kicked up her abandonment fears. I'm not depressed this time. Mad at myself because I was mentally preparing for this the second she showed interest in me again. But it's a lesson learned.

It's funny that I blatantly ignored those in my life who would have told me to stay away from her. Like this forum. But it is what it is. Please take it from me. Don't fall for it. It's not intentional on their part. But I was a guaranteed source of valuation and sacrifice. So I was recycled and more importantly allowed myself to be. But now I know for sure. I proved it to myself.

[roberto516]

Some of you might remember my story. Well I allowed myself to get drawn back in maybe a month ago. Just as friends. Not really because it was just me sacrificing for her. Buying her dinners, coming to her apartment to keep her company etc. Then I guess she saw that I wasn't really interested so she started making physical moves onto me again. Past 2 weeks I saw the devalue phase coming. She said it was her hormones and there was nothing wrong. I even told her we should talk about what's going on.

Sure enough on Friday she said she didn't want to spend time together this weekend. I accepted that. Then she changed her mind. I clearly told her that I feel like she would resent me if she changed her mind because she thought I wanted her too. Big mistake. Well Saturday evening after 6 hours of silence from her she told me she didn't want to do this again.

She admitted that she hurt me and that she is "not well" and needs to work on herself. I respect that. Am I angry? Yeah. But at myself. Everyone, and I mean everyone, told me not to go back. I probably had to prove to myself that she really was this person that I thought she was. And sure, I allowed my insecurities to be tapped again.

I told her in the most direct terms that I could that I can never hear from her again. I explained the whole recycle phase to her in the hope she will understand. Maybe she will. I also pried for an answer as to why she broke it off again. She said she was depressed. She said it wasn't about us. And then she finally admitted that she still has anger and resentment from a very long time ago with me. And that it all came up. And as we all know that wasn't something she could talk about even when I offered her to speak about what was on her mind.

So there ya have it. Another living example of the recycle. Both break ups came about because I set boundaries. Probably kicked up her abandonment fears. I'm not depressed this time. Mad at myself because I was mentally preparing for this the second she showed interest in me again. But it's a lesson learned.

It's funny that I blatantly ignored those in my life who would have told me to stay away from her. Like this forum. But it is what it is. Please take it from me. Don't fall for it. It's not intentional on their part. But I was a guaranteed source of valuation and sacrifice. So I was recycled and more importantly allowed myself to be. But now I know for sure. I proved it to myself.

[heartandwhole]

roberto,

You are not alone, my friend. I'm sorry you went through that again.   As you say, you learned a lot from it. I can fully understand your anger about this.

You know, you mentioned something that I think a lot of us might be unaware of (I know I was). It's that there can be significant negative feelings roiling around during the relationship that don't get expressed by the pwBPD. Then later, all kinds of things come out that often we had no idea about. That was the case in my relationship. After we broke up, I got an indirect communication basically telling me how angry he was. And the way he expressed the "reality" of our relationship was miles away from how he described it while we were together.

I think this sums it up well, from the 10 Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck:

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

A tough pill to swallow, but a huge learning experience, on many levels.

heartandwhole

[roberto516]

Thanks heartandwhole,

It definitely is frustrating knowing that those feelings were just boiling. And her behavior and demeanor showed it. I was angry at her but I quickly realized it was a projection and I was angry at myself for "falling for it". It's a shame she can't see that she is really angry at herself as well and communicate that.

She did ask me to be her friend because she isn't well right now. And I had to tell her that I couldn't. Because I'd do that, and then one day she'd tell me to get away because she found someone else. So as much at it stinks I am proud of myself for that. But again, I'm glad in a way that I got to see this for myself. That all my fears that I was rationalizing that she had these traits as a way to cope were actually  not true and this has played out like everyone elses' situation. It makes it easier to accept seeing it a 2nd time.

I made it really clear for her to stay away. But I fear so much that it's gonna happen again. Right now she is angry but she will need her emotional void filled eventually. I actually begged her to go find another guy so that I couldn't be recycled anymore. In a way I hope she does. Because I dread an email about her wanting to see the dog we bought that I have now or that she is depressed and going crazy (like last time).

[heartandwhole]

But I fear so much that it's gonna happen again.

If you are done, if you are detached, it won't happen again. 

[FSTL]

Another guy won't do it for you or her... .

Mine has come back, despite having someone new. The new one can disappointment, not put up with her crap, not be an appropriate punching bag, dump her, etc.

And my BPDx has volatile feelings and she lives in the moment... .so even a temporary issue with the new guy (eg he just happens to not be around) means she might look me up.

Best to control things yourself and keep those boundaries in place. Then you're not relying upon anyone else to fix the problem.

[roberto516]

And my BPDx has volatile feelings and she lives in the moment... .so even a temporary issue with the new guy (eg he just happens to not be around) means she might look me up.

Best to control things yourself and keep those boundaries in place. Then you're not relying upon anyone else to fix the problem.

Very true. I think deep down she was still angry and resentful and when I set boundaries over the weekend it was that "in the moment" abandonment that she acted upon. And yes. All I can do is worry about myself. Set myself some boundaries.

[once removed]

hi roberto,

im sorry to hear about how all of this went down. id feel frustrated and disappointed.

you sound intent on not finding yourself in the situation again, so i want to challenge you a bit on your interpretation of how this broke down.

Both break ups came about because I set boundaries.

i dont read it this way. i read an absence of boundaries by both parties. remember, a recycle takes two willing participants. a person has no ability to recycle us unless we are completely powerless. are we?

it sounds like this really started on your end (buying her dinners, keeping her company, etc). she made some moves, you were receptive. she communicated that she was conflicted (a given in her case) and you pushed things pretty hard, prying for answers, telling her about BPD and how you saw her behavior (this is treating a romantic partner as a project.).

this is not the stuff of boundaries. its the stuff of enmeshment.

it may have been inevitable that she would pull back. i think if you want to learn the lesson here, examine your part in this whole exchange.

have you read this article? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[roberto516]

hi roberto,


it sounds like this really started on your end (buying her dinners, keeping her company, etc). she made some moves, you were receptive. she communicated that she was conflicted (a given in her case) and you pushed things pretty hard, prying for answers, telling her about BPD and how you saw her behavior (this is treating a romantic partner as a project.).

have you read this article? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I went NC after 2 and a half months of her keeping me away. And then she wanted right back in. So I allowed it. I get that I had no boundaries there. It's my fault. The 2 weeks we were together I was very empathetic and understanding of her. I would ask questions and then reflect back her emotions. Trying to be more understanding. Sure, when she said we were done again maybe I could have been more empathetic. maybe it would have allowed her to clear her head and not react to her impulsive thought. And I recreated her mother yelling and chastising her. I get that. I get that I reacted instead of listening. The part of me that said "You fell for it again." took over and i projected my anger out.

I didn't give all the details. But I had set some healthy boundaries in my opinion. She asked me to come over a lot of times during the recycle and I made it clear that because the dog we bought together was at my house I didn't want to leave her alone. i explained it wasn't me rejecting her etc, etc. I joined a softball league and told her that after games it was a lot for me to drive all the way back to her house. I don't see that as an ultimatum. I would offer compromises with her if I felt like the drive was too much for me on a given day. If anything, this was different behavior from the old me and maybe she didn't like it.

But she didn't communicate she was conflicted until it was "I don't want to be in a relationship." The whole week I saw her detaching and tried to ask her how she was feeling and that she could always talk to me. She always told me nothing was wrong and I accepted it and didn't push her.

I do understand my role in this. I felt awful about yelling at her and being angry. I always do. It's my own self-anger. But when someone has these emotions it helps to not feel so alone and hearing other people with similar situations does help. Under no circumstances do I believe this is all her fault.

[once removed]

i dont mean to give the impression that this is about fault, yours or hers. its a given shes difficult, and people with BPD tend to have characteristics that both attract us and overwhelm us. and i think we all have done things that we need to own, but also forgive ourselves for.

the lessons arent always so clear. breaking it down from a human nature perspective, and spotting areas where we can improve can really help with detachment.

[roberto516]

The three things I need to do are accept this is what it is. Which I do. I also need to turn it inward and process more of my own stuff. And the third is taking care of myself to set the ultimate boundary of not settling for anything other than a real, healthy relationship. If that ever comes with someone.

[once removed]

The three things I need to do are accept this is what it is. Which I do. I also need to turn it inward and process more of my own stuff. And the third is taking care of myself to set the ultimate boundary of not settling for anything other than a real, healthy relationship. If that ever comes with someone.

this is a great plan