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Topic: Detaching with love (Read 539 times)
Gorges
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 178
Detaching with love
«
on:
April 18, 2017, 07:12:34 AM »
Hello,
Several months ago when my daughter left college we told her she had to support herself. She landed on her feet, found an apartment increased her hours at work and did support herself. She was pleasant with us for the most part. She just quit her job in haste. She regrets the way she did it and knows it is wrong. She was smart enough to set aside money for 2 months rent so she can pay that. I told her that if she takes a full load at a community college this summer she can use our car and we will pay her rent.
The issue is that I know she has not completely left her BPD tendencies and lifestyle. She quit her job and walked out during her shift so she will not get a job recommendation. She still hangs out with friends that are dysfunctional, pot smoking enablers. I told her last night that I don't want to hear their names or ever see them. I am distancing/detaching so that she can suffer the consequences of her choices, not me.
The problem is with the community college arrangement we will be getting back involved and I really don't want to if it is a big game to her of trying to avoid consequences for her actions.
I read so many posts here about adult children and it does not seem to get better when parents are involved. It seems to hurt when parents try to figure out what their kids are up to on social media. I am continually trying to radically accept this situation and not get dragged under.
My strategy is to try and detach as much as possible. When we interact, I want the interactions to be pleasant and not me trying to help or change her.
If she makes bad choices I want her to suffer the consequences, not the rest of the family.
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Our objective
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Lollypop
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 1353
Re: Detaching with love
«
Reply #1 on:
April 19, 2017, 06:50:56 AM »
Hi there Gorges
I can totally relate to your post and I admire your stance. I'm struggling having my BPDs at home with us at the moment so I may not be the best person to offer you anything!
I find it amazing that your daughter has the tenacity and skills to live successfully independently for any period of time. It must have taken a lot of strength for her to do so and, not only that, but also to set aside 2 months rent money too.  :)o you think she was half preparing to leave her job? If so, she's given herself a bit of space to either find another better job or do something else like college.  :)o you think she wants to return home? I certainly wish that my BPDs had made this achievement even if for a short while.
We got into a situation where we were paying our son's rent and expenses. He was supposed to be looking for a job. He "lost" the first months rent (a long story), he made some "friends" and they all had things in common - "misfits, dysfunctional, drugs". There was always a reasonable excuse as to why he needed to stay on another month. All our savings were wasted. I was that desperate to not have him return home but eventually he downward spiralled, wasn't able to do what he needed to do, we saved him - yet again. There was a silver lining though - he got diagnosed at 24 following a crisis. Our BPD journey began. I hope this experience helps you.
Are you prepared to put up some money for a certain period of time to help her or will this be a long term arrangement?
LP
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I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
Gorges
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 178
Re: Detaching with love
«
Reply #2 on:
April 19, 2017, 09:18:19 AM »
Thank you so much for your response. I actually feel pretty happy and successful even though my daughter is in an uncertain place. I am glad that I am not being dragged into it.
Right now we all agree, even my daughter who tells me not to worry about her, that we are not going to support her. We will give her support over the summer if she agrees to take courses at a community college. There is a fair amount of time between now and then and several things might/might not happen. She might find another job, she might pass or fail her driving test, she needs to figure out what she wants to take. Yesterday I did take her to sign up for one course, biology.
The point is that right now, my husband and I are on the same page about not rescuing her (yippee!) even though she is unemployed about the moment and may be doing bad things to earn a living. She assures us that she is not.
She has no desire to live at home with us. She really likes living independently. She can come and go as she pleases, have drug paraphenalia around. My husband is worried about loaning her the car this summer if she takes classes. He worries that she might take advantage of this and not go to her classes, get in a car accident etc. But I am not going to worry about that for another month when we see if she passes her exam and really wants to take classes. I keep telling her don't take the classes for the car, take them because you want to.
We both signed up for a month of unlimited yoga classes. I got her that as a birthday present. It seems to be an activity we can do without fighting!
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