Divorcing BPD (non-diagnosed) husband/custody issues

[LightLife]

Hello,
I am going through a nasty divorce with my soon to be ex-husband, and we have a toddler together. My ex has hired high powered attorneys (he has 5 working on his case currently) to fight for his "right" to have absolutely nothing less than 50% custody (meaning down to the minute, including very other day and overnight). He accepts no other options, so we are fighting it out in court. I would love to hear more about others experiences with similar custody issues.
Thanks!

[flourdust]

What's your goal for custody ... .how far apart are you guys? What has your strategy been? Is there a custody evaluator?

I'm in the process of completing a court-ordered custody evaluation for my own divorce case.

[ForeverDad]

He accepts no other options, so we are fighting it out in court.

He is determined to demand 50/50.  Sounds like any settlement this early in the process would be too much in his favor.  A truism here is that the initial demands are reflections of the entitled perceptions, more appropriate settlement outcomes generally don't come until later in the process, such as just before a major hearing or trial when the stbEx has to face the reality that his/her position is not as strong as was claimed and demanded at first.

It's like a super case of Brinkmanship... .who blinks first?  Generally if we blink too soon then we don't get a reasonable outcome.  Don't think a judge's decision will be bad for you (maybe, maybe not) but often the judge is less 'unfair' than the ex's emotionally draining demands.

In my case we went through many required steps taking over a year... .
Ordered mediation - failed
Ordered parenting investigation - recommended I move up to equal time
Ordered Custody Evaluation - recommended mother lose temp custody
Ordered settlement conference - failed
Ordered Trial Day - as I arrived she could delay no more and so we finally settled on less unreasonable terms

My advice is not to be overly stressed at the continued obstructions and ridiculous demands.  Expect that as time passes your position as the reasonably normal parent advocating solutions over conflict will become more and more apparent to the professionals.  Once the stbEx sees court resolution approaching ex will feel a little less entitled and 'in control'.

During all this, maintain your composure, don't let him discourage or overly impact you.  Can you build a mental image of a barking dog on a chain?  Even if the chain breaks, there's a fence.  Even if the fence is jumped or broken, then you see the dog is mostly toothless.  Can you see that time, distance and yes the slow legal system all serve to limit what an entitled, controlling Ex can do?

[livednlearned]

He accepts no other options, so we are fighting it out in court.

A lot of us have cases that end up in court, it kinda goes with the territory unfortunately. I am certain I got a better arrangement from a judge than I would have if I tried to work it out with my ex. Also, keep in mind that these are marathons, not sprints. Think of the first hearing as mile marker one of 26.2. Your ex might get 50/50 and then fail to stick to the visitation schedule he fought so hard to get.

If he retained father's rights lawyers, they may be hell bent on characterizing you as being incapable of sharing your child. My ex retained a father's rights lawyer and when we were in mediation and I agreed readily to equal visitation, suddenly my ex was fine with 60/40 and the L was left scratching his head. This is only anecdotal, but it does seem that the more narcissistic the ex-husband, the harder he will fight for control and "winning," and will then not fulfill the visitation schedule, or will willingly give away his time until you are doing the lion's share of work in practice despite what exists on paper. I found it was much more important to have sole legal custody because agreement on anything of consequence (little or small) was virtually impossible.

Your soon-to-be-ex husband has five lawyers working on his case? Sounds inefficient 

If it is any consolation, my N/BPDx was a former trial attorney and lost custody, which even my own lawyer said was unlikely. Court is nerve-wracking and I would never wish this stuff on anyone. Even so, you bring some strengths to the table that you probably don't yet realize after being in an abusive relationship for however long. For one, you can problem solve, and two, you can focus on the big picture. In practice, that means you can keep things focused on what is best for your child, which will stand out in court. Try to not get sucked into the tit-for-tat and stay focused on solutions. I spent plenty of time in court waiting for my case to be heard and saw lots of other cases during that time. There are a lot of people who go to court expecting the judge to solve their problems.

When you show up with a reasonable solution to whatever problem is being slung your way, it really stands out.

Can you tell us a little about what your ex is like and what you think is best for your son?

I know it's hard when the other side is lawyered up and making threats. Try to discharge some of the stress and anxiety here, with people who understand what you are going through. The collective wisdom here is nothing short of amazing and can make a real difference in how you strategize and prepare for court.

You're not alone. 

LnL

[LightLife]

Thank you all for your input and sharing your experiences. A little more about my situation: My ex comes from a wealthy family and has multiple trusts to fund his litigation. He is on his 3rd attorney and the latest one is ruthless and is one of the top family law attorneys and his reputation goes a long way in getting what he wants. My ex is a combination of BPD and Narcissistic. He has severe abandon issues and "needs" to have our son. For example he says he shouldn't go a day without seeing him, which is more for him than our son, although he says it for our sons best interest. When eyes are watching he acts like father of the year to an unnatural level, with over the top histrionic behavior... .When I lived at home with him I did all the care for our son, and the ex would just play with our son in short intense bursts here and there. When I would ask him to watch him so I could do something like take a shower or write a few emails, I would get 10 min max, then he would just stop watching him. No attention span. He is a control freak. I couldn't go to the park or grocery store without him coming, or if I did go alone he would give me a hard time- what took me so long? where there men at the park? What are you wearing and are you going out in that? The Narcissistic part is really coming out in court- he will do anything to win. He's made up his own story, completely fabricated lies, and seems out of control in his extreme litigation.
As far as my custody case its been a roller coaster. After I filed he pulled me in on an ex parte and said I was trying to get a restraining order on him (which I was not) and asked the judge to have me vacate the home and issue temporary custody orders. She did order that and he got 25% custody with 1 overnight every other weekend. He was devastated with the ruling, and so was I. He thought he was going to get his 50%, and to me he got a lot of time that he was not going to be able to adequately care for our son. We went back into court 6 weeks later for the original custody hearing and through my declaration and exhibits we were abel to turn it around and get his custody reduced to 12%, professionally monitored, and overnight taken away, and a psychiatric eval order for him. He then hired a new attorney who intimidated the psych evaluator into not looking at anything I gave her (my journal with day/times/notes on behaviors and audio tapes of him verbally abusing). She did her report based on everything my ex told her, which of course, is all lies. She spoke to only the doctors he told her about, and when I told her about  a bunch he omitted she did not follow up with them. Fast forward to this week and we were back in court and with this new power attorney they got the judge to take away the monitor, increase his custodial time up to 27% and give him an overnight every week, based on the fact his current psychiatrist gave him a positive declaration. This Dr is corrupt and I am certain has been paid off to say whatever. We were not given the opportunity to challenge his declaration/ cross-examine or anything- crazy! Next up we have an evidentiary hearing/trial in 5 weeks. Given what happened on Monday it seems like we could have the most compelling case backed by evidence and testimony, but in the face of this attorney nothing holds any weight. My ultimate goal is to protect our son from his abusive behaviors as much as possible. I don't want to remove him from his life, but I want my son to be healthy, and I do not feel 50% would be a good decision for his mental and emotional (and even physical)wellbeing.

[livednlearned]

How awful  First, an abusive marriage, then the abuse in family law court. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

By any chance, does your state do parenting coordinators as part of family law court?

[ForeverDad]

Does your domestic court utilize Custody Evaluations?  Basically that's a Psych Evaluation on steroids, expanded to include the family dynamic, how the parents do their parenting and what is best for the children.  So it is typically more meaningful long term.  The CE can make or break a case.

In my case the CE was nearly a year into the divorce process, I had temp order hearing, mediation attempt and a Parenting Investigation (with court's own social worker) first.

What surprises me is that the temp order was modified twice already.  I went some two years with the same order and parenting schedule.  Both the Parenting Investigation and that Custody Evaluation recommended I get more time and custodial responsibility, but it never changed until it ended with the Final Decree at the end of the divorce process.

Likely you will have an opportunity to have an in depth CE but be proactive about it.  The key is to get a reputable evaluator whose evaluations are highly respected by the court.  And in your case, one who will not wimp out and cave to professional pressures.  To minimize the risk of ex's attorney picking a pliable CE, here is a tactic that courts often agree to.  One way to approach this is the concept that both parents ought to have a part in selecting the CE.  So what you do is determine which potential evaluators have the best reputations for solid evaluations.  Be the first to submit a short list to court (perhaps three) and ask the other side to select from that short list.  They may squirm seeing they can't influence them, but court should agree that it lets both parents be involved in the selection process.

[LightLife]

I am not sure if they appoint family coordinators as I have not heard of that, but they do PPA's (Parenting Plan Assessments). Ive been told they are terrible. Someone with no training evaluates both parties for a few hours than makes a decision what's best for the child. My ex can manipulate most, so he would likely put on some song and dance and win them over, and maybe go so far as to plant seeds of doubt against me. I do not want to go there. We are going to get a Custodial Evaluation soon, but the court has not ordered it yet (even though we have brought it up numerous times, and it was the recommendation of the psychotic evaluator as well!). What's crazy is that we are going to trial without that ordered. It doesn't make any since, but we have a new judge who has only been on the bench less than a year. My ex's attorney is going to try to get his custodial time increased again at the trial, without the evaluation even stated or completed. This trial in early June was called the "mini" trial by opposing counsel and the judge, and then apparently we'll have the "real" trial a few moths later after the custodial evaluation is complete. The "mini" trial is already 5 days! My gut tell me if they get what they want at the mini trial there will be no real trial down the road.