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Author Topic: 20 years with uBPDw.  (Read 400 times)
Wallace48

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: April 18, 2017, 02:19:56 PM »

20 years, 15 years Married to. She is a quiet borderline waif. Sub class I would say discouraged child. We have 2 boys, 14 and 9.  
I felt for a long time like a tiger circling a cage, but I was outside the cage and she was in it. The push pull was subtle. I was cold and distant. I rowed the boat, and she drilled holes in it. As long as life was a struggle she was content. The times her masked slipped was chalked up to pms. There was always change and distractions. Life was pretty hard and not much time to focus on each other. My family is my world, so I gave them all my time and attention.
Her control was f.o.g. but also causing anger and than guilt. To keep a balance. The spoiler BPD.
Her father committed suicide when she was little. She intersects herself back into her mother's life repeatedly. I have never heard her mother disagree with her on anything and the 1 time I asked her mother for advice on dealing with her daughter. She said just tell her what you think she wants to hear.
I was painted black after showing rage to a disrespectful adult family member. Restraining order and silence.
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Wallace48

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2017, 03:27:34 PM »

First time discarded I was a mess. Everything seemed to be blown out of proportion.  Restraining order what? Why? You've known me for 20 years. Cutoff from them I sought therapy to get my head together. Hind sight my therapist was terrible,  but how would you know. He had me read a couple books on improving myself so it had some benefits. Restraining order expired and we started some marriage counseling with my therapist. She went to 3 sessions.  Raged in all 3 and stormed out of all 3. If there was a reason, most people would have rolled their eyes not dropped a nuke and if there wasn't a voiced reason she wanted me to provide one to the therapist for why she is raging. In my mind a therapist with any education at all should have saw her symptoms of BPD. In a later session I pointed the books out on his shelf about BPD. I fired him cause I spent a year on myself when I had the answer and he rolled his eyes at me like I'm nuts. And of course at the time I was so messed up I thought I was nuts. In that summer and fall of that year I had reconciled and it was good but I now was a yes man and had no say. She controled me.  I rebelled. She no winned me, and picked a fight. She left and got a protection order again. I violated it got arrested and divorced and silent treatment for almost 6 months. Her fp is her mother.
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Stolen
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 207


« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2017, 04:17:32 PM »

Her fp is her mother.


What is "fp" please?

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DaddyBear77
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 625



« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2017, 04:28:08 PM »

Wallace48, welcome to the bpdfamily. 
We have 2 boys, 14 and 9. 

Can you share a little bit more about the current situation with your sons? Are you currently separated from your spouse (pwBPD)? Do you have a co-parenting arrangement currently? How is that working out for you and your boys?

Much of what you described regarding your relationship with your spouse is familiar to many of us here. I would suggest you also consider posting on some of the other boards more geared toward help with your romantic relationship.

When you add the additional layer of co-parenting, these issues only get harder. The members who spend time on this board can really help you navigate the unique issues surrounding this parenting / co-parenting relationship.

Look forward to hearing more of your story, and again, welcome!

DaddyBear77
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Wallace48

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2017, 04:45:44 PM »

Fp is her favorite person. In the 20 years we were together she would try to get her mother to mother her. The last year she spent detaching from me and copying her mom. Hair, clothes. Big picture she was copying her mother's life. Became a teacher. She teaches at the same school her mother did. The same grade level her mother did and the same classroom her mother did. Her mother retired in school administration and that is her plan too.
Only changes made to our home were most of my pictures taken down and her mother's pictures put in there place.
The more I tried to get her to be more independent the less she tried. Even said that, what do I need you for if I do those things...
She wants to be number 1 in her mother's eyes and is after copying her life and excelled at everything she still believes her brothers get more attention, so now she has this crisis that her mother is trianglatedoing into. Everything goes through her mom as communication,  visitation.
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Wallace48

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2017, 05:07:32 PM »

Divorced for a month. She has boys and house because I didn't think I could win.  14 year old son is slightly autistic.  She controls their world and their dependence on her. She let's me have visitation for a few hours a week. More to control me than anything else. She refuses to communicate with me since November. I'm left to try to put my life together.  I have had 3 jobs in this relationship. When I got in position to be a success she wanted to move somewhere else.  Started over and she would sabotage it just as I was reaching the top.
I'm in a state I don't like. Doing a job I don't like for a family I no longer have.
I feel rejected, abandoned, betrayed, humiliateddie, and used.
I have learned all I could about BPD. But am not getting the chance to use anything I've learned.
I have a job offer 1100 miles away and I am torn between staying to see what happens after protection order expires or leaving for myself.
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DaddyBear77
*****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 625



« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2017, 06:49:50 PM »

I'm in a state I don't like. Doing a job I don't like for a family I no longer have.
... .
I have a job offer 1100 miles away and I am torn between staying to see what happens after protection order expires or leaving for myself.

This is a really tough decision to make. It sounds like you've already made one big decision, to file for divorce. Now you're faced with another big decision.

Being a co-parent with a pwBPD is a huge challenge. Being a child with a BPD parent is also a huge challenge. I've often thought long and hard about the difficulties that would result from leaving my pwBPD. Am I up to the challenges I'll face in the court system? Should I fight for "50/50" custody time? Would it be easier on myself, my pwBPD, and/or my child to avoid the fight? My uBPDw would most certainly seek sole custody, but she's also using distorted thinking to justify that position. And what about that? Should I "let it go" when I know the mother has distorted / will distort the situation such that I'm subject to further false accusations?

Here's a thread I started a while back - it's got some good info that you might find helpful.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=306434.0

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Wallace48

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2017, 07:34:41 PM »

My self respect made me file for divorce.  I didn't deserve protection orders. She was told after the first one that I would file for divorce if you do that.  These boys are already her size and bigger. She controls them by giving them whatever they want. That will be hard to keep up. Since she has to do it all now. The candle is burning at both ends. She teaches first grade and goes home to take out and drinks, gets high , takes a pill, crashes. Next day, gets up, puts her face on and does it again. She is constantly in a stressed out paranoid delusional disassociated state. You know all she can think about is the end of the school year.
The boys are happy getting spoiled rotten. 
It took her 18+ years to get control. A man can only fight so long before he needs a break. If I had known she had BPD I would have kept fighting, but I didn't.  Let the woman have her way. She is a college graduate, been teaching awhile and makes almost as much as I do.  Figured she'd earned a say.
I'm 48 and decided to get healthy. She took it as me planning to leave her. I registered as Republican.  She of course is a looney liberal so now I just rejected everything she stands for. They hate us for thinking to much.
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