Now it is affecting work...

[JaxWest]

So, I blocked my non-diagnosed BPD a few weeks ago. She was acting strange and began to literally terrify me regarding my safety. No contact since February (only because she reached out to me about "work", otherwise it would have been January. Well, my boss talked to me last week during a meeting and asked me what was going on with her. He said he has heard some rumors and somebody had mentioned to him that there were some concerns about her behavior and my well being. On one hand, I am happy that other people noticed it. But, it is kind of humiliating when it goes to your boss. I have had about 8 friends around her that will defend me and can attest to her behavior. So, if anything ever comes out that she tries to say something, i have quite a few more people on my side that can explain what they had seen and that she is nuts.

I never dated this one. We hung out. She started acting differently. I was always treated differently. She treated me like more than a casual friend when we were alone or with my friends, but less than a colleague when she was with her friends. She was overly secretive around them. She gaslighted and made me sound like I was the nutjob and that everything she did was normal. (You know, because contacting my friends and asking about me, and inviting herself to my things makes total sense). It just make me mad that I had to talk about this with my boss.

Anybody else have one that is affecting them at work though? How do you get past that? I am pretty sure she is saying some things out there on the campus that are not true and I am getting the black eye.

The other thing that worries me. My friends and coworkers have all commented on her being weird and strange. Now, they see her and she is overly friendly and acting normal. What is that about? Am I missing something?

[roberto516]

The other thing that worries me. My friends and coworkers have all commented on her being weird and strange. Now, they see her and she is overly friendly and acting normal. What is that about? Am I missing something?

We used to work together but are still in the same company. When i was processing with my coworkers they were stunned. "She doesn't display any of this." They said. A high functioning BPD can make the world see them as what they aren't. They can be intellectually intelligent. Mine is getting a graduate degree and tries to expand her knowledge through seminars, courses, etc. But inside she has the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old. But they can put on good appearances for the most part.

[JaxWest]

Yeah, this one is 27, but she acts like she is in junior high (not even high school). Luckily, my coworkers have seen it, so they can confirm it. My boss has never seen it, but he was supportive. It helps that she emailed me about work, but I was not the correct person to email in this case, so it just further proved it was an excuse. I stop talking, so she emails me. He cautioned me and told me to make sure we are not alone in a one-on-one situation, in case. So, I am not worried about my coworkers thinking anything.

I am more concerned about other people on campus and what is being spread to them. I know my name was coming up in her office quite a bit when we first met. Her coworkers knew things that I did not share, because I did not see them often. But, I just have a feeling that lies are being spread. I don't talk to people about her, other than my friends in my office. But, I am pretty sure she has shared stuff (incorrect stuff) with our mutual contacts.

[roberto516]

Yeah I am not sure what she has shared about me to people. But I know I have talked to mutual coworkers. Not to bash her name. But they knew her too. So I wanted to see if I was crazy. But they all confirmed that things were always about her, and she always had to get her way, etc. etc. She got so furious thinking I was talking to them. And I was. But I couldn't admit that or else she would have gone into a real rage. Because she thinks I'm sitting around bashing her. But I know the more I talk the better I feel. It's like she expects me to numb my emotions and detach like her.

Let me ask you. Do you find it comforting to know that other people see it? It kind of does for me. Because I really feared I was making all this up so I could look back and say "Welp. It's her. She's the lunatic." I know I played a part in all this. But I feel better knowing there was nothing I could do to save the relationship. Because other people see the same traits in her despite her great outward demeanor of being "okay"

[JaxWest]

Yeah I am not sure what she has shared about me to people. But I know I have talked to mutual coworkers. Not to bash her name. But they knew her too. So I wanted to see if I was crazy. But they all confirmed that things were always about her, and she always had to get her way, etc. etc. She got so furious thinking I was talking to them. And I was. But I couldn't admit that or else she would have gone into a real rage. Because she thinks I'm sitting around bashing her. But I know the more I talk the better I feel. It's like she expects me to numb my emotions and detach like her.

Let me ask you. Do you find it comforting to know that other people see it? It kind of does for me. Because I really feared I was making all this up so I could look back and say "Welp. It's her. She's the lunatic." I know I played a part in all this. But I feel better knowing there was nothing I could do to save the relationship. Because other people see the same traits in her despite her great outward demeanor of being "okay"

Makes sense to me. It is comforting to talk to my friends, close coworkers. I was some sort of secret. Her friends were off limits and she did not invite them to things. Yet, she sought out my friends. Which, that did bother me, because it put them in awkward spots and it is just weird. It definitely made me feel better when people validated what I said. They were actually very happy when I called her out. She just pushed me aside like I was nothing. I had to put all of the effort in for whatever this was. It was like, if I invite her, she will see what she is doing, then act possessive of me if she goes. I had to be the one that initiated things with her... .all of the time. But, if I didn't, she would seek out my friends so she could be around at my things.  All of my friends and close coworkers strongly disliked her though, so that was good. I know her ex was supposedly mistreating her, but she kept going back and forth with him. I wonder if that is true at all and if she was the one mistreating him.

[AustenJ]

I work with my diagnosed xBPDgf and most of the men I work with have been close friends of mine for years... .so all of them know about her and avoid her craziness, which makes her feel more isolated because she can no longer manipulate them with her charm. Many of my guy friends had already identified her crazy gene before I arrived on the scene... .

My boss had asked what was going on a while ago, but I denied everything... .I have known my boss many years but was still worried; he had hired my ex as she had nannied his new wife's children. We talked at a business retreat, and I did fess up to our relationship. He was just giving me a heads up as a friend that he had heard rumors about us from other staff... .but that ultimately it was no one's business. He also went on to share that his exwife was BPD and bipolar so he totally understood my situation. I also wanted to get out in front of this issue in case my ex wanted to stir up stuff about me. He had his suspicions about her being borderline since he had experienced it so many years with his exwife.

[Pretty Woman]

Jax,
  I implore you to read some of my past posts. I WORK with my ex's sister. We worked together two years before I met the sister and now, two years after.

We were friends at one time. We actually went out to dinner, holiday parties. I genuinely liked her sister and wanted to become better friends with her.

When I met my ex I met her in a fluke setting, 50mi away from my job... .and her sister. It was strange how the universe put me with this person, a sibling of not just someone in my building of 500 people but someone who works DIRECTLY with me.

Luckily, when we began to date I had just accepted a new position in another dept on our floor. Thank heavens (someone must have been looking out for me) because in my past position I had to directly rely on my ex's sister to complete a huge chunk of my job.

Things could be worse.

I had no idea what BPD was when I met my ex. What I did not realize is while things were seemingly going good with us, she had a group of people she was telling I was abusing her, hitting her, torturing her with words.

Her sister was one of those people.
It seems like most persons with BPD have two groups of "friends", one they extol your virtues to and another they paint you as a demon sent to destroy them and their "calm, blissful life" 

Suffice it to say, that has been the hardest thing for me. I cannot communicate nor rationalize things with the sister because A) this is her sister and birds of a feather flock together---anything I say will be discredited because blood is thicker than water. B) Why communicate with crazy? Trying to do so only fuels the fire and if they truly see me as a threat with their disordered thinking, I could get served a RO or worse.

Two years ago, while I was still dating her sister my co-worker sent an email to me on FB stating if I even looked at her the wrong way she would be reporting me to HR. The only person I should be giving dirty looks to should be a mirror.

She then stated she knew how horrible a person I was.

This was in response to an invite to a surprise birthday party FOR her sister. That's when I realized I was not dealing with a sane, rational person and it makes sense, all their family drama.

I never reported the email. I knew it was a veiled threat because she truly was scared of me. I WAS painted as a complete monster by her sister, dangerous. It made sense... .
after the fact.

In the middle of all this I had a falling out with someone at work who also works with the sister. This person DID threaten me with an email and I went to HR. This was a former friend who knew about the sister and the FB threat and how it had affected me.

Crappy ex friend, right? She knew it bothered me so she tried to do the same (another sign I had surrounded myself with less than desirable "friends" in my life). I called her bluff and went to HR.

In the months since both these people have teamed up and spread rumors about me. Crazy rumors, like I left cat pee on someone's desk (how do you get a cat to piss in a cup)?

Stupid things like that. Things that went back to my boss. The director of our department.

Does it hurt to have your reputation trashed? Yes. Are there days I have wanted to shake my former friend like a ragdoll for betraying me and joining the crazies that want to destroy me? Yes.

But you know what works. No response. No validation that they are nuts. People WILL see it.

You don't need to defend your character if you didn't do anything. People who spread this stuff look crazy. They look like gossips and they are not taken seriously. Those who DO take them seriously (and there will be some) are their proxies and other less-desirable gossips you don't want to be associated with anyways, especially if you are career driven.

My ex friend spread so much info about me my boss knows things she shouldn't. Things I never would have disclosed about my personal life at work. Medical stuff, orientation stuff.

But I don't react. I keep doing a great job and don't let it phase me. Because of this I have been promoted and am doing very well. Both of these other women are in the same spot they were three years ago. Both are still miserable people.

If your boss asks you about her be very nonchalant. Just say, you have no idea and it's unfortunate that people want to make issues out of non-issues, especially in the workplace. You are there to do your job and that's that.

Again, I know it's hard to ignore it but in the end, the ones causing you issues will be their own undoing. You don't have to do anything at all.

Trust me. I've seen it all here and I am in a unique spot with several haters.

[Portent]

Yeah I am not sure what she has shared about me to people. But I know I have talked to mutual coworkers. Not to bash her name. But they knew her too. So I wanted to see if I was crazy. But they all confirmed that things were always about her, and she always had to get her way, etc. etc. She got so furious thinking I was talking to them. And I was. But I couldn't admit that or else she would have gone into a real rage. Because she thinks I'm sitting around bashing her. But I know the more I talk the better I feel. It's like she expects me to numb my emotions and detach like her.

Tell me about it. While we were separating but still co-habiting she went to Seattle for "business" with my replacement on my birthday. She got super pissed that I had a birthday party because our friends would talk about her behind her back. In other words I was supposed to sit at home in the dark on my birthday so no one would say anything bad about her.  

They are totally incapable of true empathy and putting themselves in someone else shoes.

[once removed]

Anybody else have one that is affecting them at work though? How do you get past that?

take an honest look at where youre gravitating toward on the karpman drama triangle. make changes you can control.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[JaxWest]

take an honest look at where youre gravitating toward on the karpman drama triangle. make changes you can control.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I would fall under the rescuer title. I tend to help people. Usually, I am not in a relationship that I feel the other person needs help, outside of standard life challenges. In this case, she would do something completely strange, so I would rationalize it. Oh, she is just nervous and needs more time. She is just afraid... .etc etc... So, the cycle continued. I tried to talk... .twice, but got shot down both times sharply and rudely.

[JaxWest]

Crappy ex friend, right? She knew it bothered me so she tried to do the same (another sign I had surrounded myself with less than desirable "friends" in my life). I called her bluff and went to HR.

In the months since both these people have teamed up and spread rumors about me. Crazy rumors, like I left cat pee on someone's desk (how do you get a cat to piss in a cup)?

Stupid things like that. Things that went back to my boss. The director of our department.

Does it hurt to have your reputation trashed? Yes. Are there days I have wanted to shake my former friend like a ragdoll for betraying me and joining the crazies that want to destroy me? Yes.

But you know what works. No response. No validation that they are nuts. People WILL see it.

You don't need to defend your character if you didn't do anything. People who spread this stuff look crazy. They look like gossips and they are not taken seriously. Those who DO take them seriously (and there will be some) are their proxies and other less-desirable gossips you don't want to be associated with anyways, especially if you are career driven.

My ex friend spread so much info about me my boss knows things she shouldn't. Things I never would have disclosed about my personal life at work. Medical stuff, orientation stuff.

But I don't react. I keep doing a great job and don't let it phase me. Because of this I have been promoted and am doing very well. Both of these other women are in the same spot they were three years ago. Both are still miserable people.

If your boss asks you about her be very nonchalant. Just say, you have no idea and it's unfortunate that people want to make issues out of non-issues, especially in the workplace. You are there to do your job and that's that.

Again, I know it's hard to ignore it but in the end, the ones causing you issues will be their own undoing. You don't have to do anything at all.

Trust me. I've seen it all here and I am in a unique spot with several haters.

Luckily, all of my friends and close coworkers will back me up on this. They tried to warn me back at the beginning. I have one coworker that takes her side, but she is immature and has issues as well. She is also the one that has not been around the situation like my other friends/coworkers have. I distanced myself from her friends and coworkers. In my eyes, I am keeping her group and my group separate. I did not contact her friends or coworkers, because those are her friends. Yet, she does with mine, a lot. I hope that is showing something to the other people. I am trying not to get pulled into the crazy that she displays and just let her do something stupid to show her true colors.

I did disclose some information to my boss, to protect myself. We do not work with that office much at all, so in the very rare occasions that we do, somebody else in my office gets to work with her. She is the liaison for a different department, so she should not be contacting our office anyhow (but she did me, after I went NC).

[once removed]

I would fall under the rescuer title.

from my perspective, both of you are switching around the roles, and outsiders (friends, coworkers) are a part of it (mostly rescuing).

assert yourself without persecuting. be vulnerable enough to communicate your situation and needs (like you did with your boss) without being a victim. put the responsibility on yourself as far as doing what it takes to resolve the drama (rescue yourself) and try to avoid bringing other parties into this - that will only fuel it.

[JaxWest]

from my perspective, both of you are switching around the roles, and outsiders (friends, coworkers) are a part of it (mostly rescuing).

assert yourself without persecuting. be vulnerable enough to communicate your situation and needs (like you did with your boss) without being a victim. put the responsibility on yourself as far as doing what it takes to resolve the drama (rescue yourself) and try to avoid bringing other parties into this - that will only fuel it.

She won't let me assert myself and won't talk to me.  I try, she blame shifts and lies. My coworkers were brought into due to unfortunate circumstances (she was trying to be around them, so they were asking me what was going on). I shared my thoughts with her, shared personal stuff... .she doesn't. I am not around her now and won't be around her now. I am just uncomfortable with it. I am putting all of the work into it. Even when we were still hanging out with each other, I had to set things up and she would let me know if she was available or not. It was never the other way around. But, if I didn't invite her, she would contact my friends. It became difficult to keep her separate from my friends at that point.

[JaxWest]

from my perspective, both of you are switching around the roles, and outsiders (friends, coworkers) are a part of it (mostly rescuing).

assert yourself without persecuting. be vulnerable enough to communicate your situation and needs (like you did with your boss) without being a victim. put the responsibility on yourself as far as doing what it takes to resolve the drama (rescue yourself) and try to avoid bringing other parties into this - that will only fuel it.

Plus, the weird thing to me was that she asks my coworkers about me. She asked the one about my dating life and if I date often etc etc. Yet, when I had asked her out, she said she was getting back with an ex. I am not sure why she needed to know that much about me.

I actually hung out with one of her coworkers a few times before I really knew her. Her friend was the one that started trivia nights, so I did that a few times and then met the BPD. I didn't ask her coworker about her though. It would have been uncomfortable for the friend. After I asked her out and she said no, I felt like I should give some space to the friends. She went the other way and started to seek out my group.

[Gear Jammer]

Becareful what you do with a BPD at work I ended up getting let go at work because the made up all kinds of stories that I was evil and harassing her. Pretty sad the fact I had 6 years seniority over her but management believed her. All my other co-workers knew it was unfair she's not well liked by anybody she's totally oblivious. The truth did come out that she's nuts.

[JaxWest]

Becareful what you do with a BPD at work I ended up getting let go at work because the made up all kinds of stories that I was evil and harassing her. Pretty sad the fact I had 6 years seniority over her but management believed her. All my other co-workers knew it was unfair she's not well liked by anybody she's totally oblivious. The truth did come out that she's nuts.

It does scare me. I literally just cannot talk to this person. Everything I say, she disagrees with. I do not even know if she is a BPD. I have had another ex BPD with some similarities. In some cases, I think she is just a different level of sociopath. I never dated this one even. She gave me multiple signs. I made a move, she said no. Then, she gave me even more signs. She stalks me, she seeks out my friends. She talks about me a lot to my coworkers/friends and asks specific questions about my dating life. There are thins that she knows that she should not know. We started hanging out again and she acted weird again. When I am alone, she treats me like we are a couple or at the least, a very close friend. I mean, she comes in, starts eating my food and the next thing I know, we are sharing my meal. I don't know too many colleagues that do that. I didn't offer, she just took. She does that with all of my stuff. My stuff = hers. Yet, I see her in public and she avoids me, which is definitely not what close friends do. I tried to talk about that with her, but she made excuses and blamed me for overthinking it.

Yet, I see her with her friends and it is like she does not know me. I don't know if she is projecting something on me that she does. I do not seek her friends out. When I see them, I don't ask them questions about her, because I don't want them to be in an uncomfortable spot. She does that to my friends and coworkers though.

The first time I hung out with her, she stayed behind and asked me for a ride. My coworker was parked in her area. I was not. It was a beautiful day. So, I have no doubt (and all of the people there that day have no doubt) that was an excuse to stay behind to talk to me.

I am close to 3 months no contact. The only contact I had was because she emailed me. It feels good to get away from that crazy, but I am terrified. She has this creepy stare... .like there is just nothing there. Much different than being dazed or deep in thought... Like she is looking into my soul or something. Terrifying.

[AustenJ]

Yes, "the stare" is very disconcerting. It got to the point where she would stop mid-sentence and just stare at me, like I could almost see those ping pong balls in her head bouncing around. It was amazing to watch in a somewhat chilling way, then when she saw the look on my face she would always ask, "what?" Like she would snap back into reality... .like she had no knowledge or self-awareness that she had taken a trip into the dark recesses of her mind. Later in the r/s these spells became transitions to sobbing and rages.

[JaxWest]

Yes, "the stare" is very disconcerting. It got to the point where she would stop mid-sentence and just stare at me, like I could almost see those ping pong balls in her head bouncing around. It was amazing to watch in a somewhat chilling way, then when she saw the look on my face she would always ask, "what?" Like she would snap back into reality... .like she had no knowledge or self-awareness that she had taken a trip into the dark recesses of her mind. Later in the r/s these spells became transitions to sobbing and rages.

Good description. It is odd at the time, then just becomes creepy and chilly when you know what is going on. I saw a look of rage on this one with her coworker that terrified me. It was a small thing, but she got upset with her coworker and gave her a terrifying look. I was beside her, so I saw it. Nobody else did though. Bone chilling quality.

[Gear Jammer]

Yes, "the stare" is very disconcerting. It got to the point where she would stop mid-sentence and just stare at me, like I could almost see those ping pong balls in her head bouncing around. It was amazing to watch in a somewhat chilling way, then when she saw the look on my face she would always ask, "what?" Like she would snap back into reality... .like she had no knowledge or self-awareness that she had taken a trip into the dark recesses of her mind. Later in the r/s these spells became transitions to sobbing and rages.

What is the zodiac sign or birthday of this woman she sounds like she's either a Scorpio woman or possibly a Cancer.