What can I expect?

[Quiet Penguin]

My Significant Other has BPD. She has had if for some time and just recently we have received a diagnosis. She is beginning the process of seeking help. I know that the process is extremely personal and no one individual is like another, especially in the BPD world, but I would like to know what I can expect through the process and what the final outcome may look like.

How involved can I be in the process (directly with the counselor)?
How long is / can the process of recovery be?
What does the end look like?
Is there an end or cure?

Thank you in advance for any and all advice and experiences.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

My H is not in counseling, and does not even know that I feel has has enough aspects of BPD to warrant my being here, but I can try to address a few of your questions:

How involved can I be in the process (directly with the counselor)?
I would ask the counselor.  They can tell you if you would be beneficial or a hindrance.  You can also as to be counselled yourself, privately, to learn if you can work on any behaviors you have that might be best to change to help your SO.

How long is / can the process of recovery be?
This is way too subjective and based on a person by person situation by situation basis.  And recovery, it's not quite like even like AA, whcih in itself is not a "cure" but a retraining to a simple to identify end goal - no more alcohol.  BPD is not like you can jsut say, no more rage-ooutburts emotional manipulations.  It's not something she "gets over"  It's part of how her mind works, how she is wired.  It can be adjusted.  It can be made less volatile, but it's going to be in there, and the perfect storm of circumstances can trigger it.

What does the end look like?
There is not "end" they way I think you might be thinking there is.  BPD does not just go away.It can be managed, and people with it CAN, if hey choose, learn new skills to manage their emotions, but it takes a LOT for them to do so. 

Is there an end or cure?
Not really.  It's a lasting condition, not a curable disease if that makes sense.  This is more like diabetes than a common cold - it's something that is with the person forever, and will need treatment, controlling practices, and monitoring - this is not to say therapy will be needed all the time, but emotional management skills will be needed for the rest of her life.  A pwBPD can change, they can work to better manage their emotions, but the BPD is a big part of their psyche.  Even with perfect management, people with diabetes can have blood sugar drop suddenly or spike.  Even with perfect management, validation, and use of all tools, a pwBPD can have an emotional meltdown and lose all those coping skills given the right trigger. 

I'm not trying to be bleak.  Most days, H and I are pretty content.  Life is not bad.  When his emotions dysregulate, things are dark and stormy, because he cannot manage them well himself and that is a hallmark of the condition.  You can have a relationship with your SO, but you will need to see what YOU do that may or may not increase the drama in your interactions when she dysregulates.  You can't control her.  Therapy is a very good step, and shows a lot of personal introspection many with BPD can't easily face.  But there is no "cure".  There will be unreasonable days if she truly has BPD.  It's hard to face any responsibility for your actions and the drama and hurt you cause if you have BPD.  So if you are in for the long haul, enter this with your eyes wide open, and realize she has a life-long mental illness that is centered on having unhealthy emotional reactions that are usually directed at those closest to her (you). 

[Quiet Penguin]

Thank you for the additional information.  I am in it for the long haul and I am willing to do what is necessary to help in the process. Is there anything that helps a pwBPD to accept any responsibility for their behavior?

[isilme]

Is there anything that helps a pwBPD to accept any responsibility for their behavior?

Bleh - that's the million dollar question.  Sure, sometimes they face it.  But the toxic shame also comes with it and can put them into debilitating depression until the next cycle amps up. 

It DOES seem to be somewhat cyclic, or predictable after a long enough time.  But like for me, it took years for H and I to both realize his biggest emotional breakdowns also coincided with low blood sugar.  We know (after 20 years) that he will become irritable and depressed come certain family-type holidays because his family is a huge trigger.  Travel is a trigger.  Poor health (which he now has) is a trigger. 

I found this site about 10 years ago, and started working on ME, Miss Super Codependent, and I saw some things slowly change around our home.  My initial responses to conflict were all wrong for a pwBPD.  Like the need to Justify, Argue, Defense, Explain (JADE).  Of course, we want to explain ourselves in the hopes that our loved ones will just stop being mad.  They won't.  It just makes them madder, because, in addition to whatever made them mad in the first place, you are now calling them wrong. 

I was frankly amazed we managed to get everything packed, ready, and make it to the airport in time to fly for the first time ever to another country so we could finally get married.  That was a huge, freakin' miracle.  I was terrified he'd balk, freak out on me before we left, in the car, in the airport, and once we got to the venue, I was like Wow, he made it.  He made it without a breakdown.  I cannot tell you how hard even local travel is for him, so this was really un-freaking-believable.  I still have trouble believing it some days. 

You can't "make" them do anything.  All you can do to help is you can adjust your behavior to be less enabling, and enforce boundaries to protect yourself from bad behavior.  Like, if you are raging at me, I am leaving for a few hours.  You have a right to be angry, but you do not have a right to be abusive to me, and I do not need to be present for your anger.