Inner child healing

[Please help]

In my Jr year of high school, my F and his young wife my new step mom moved out of state to "get away from the drugs". His mother and her father gave them a large down payment for a house. His M purchased him a house when me married my M but they sold it during the divorce and spent the money on drugs. It was her only child and she was  BPD.

  F and step mom maintained the drinking and discovered crack cocaine in the new state. Step mom started prostituting herself out and F was trying to get back into coke dealing. He went away for 3 years when I was a kid for dealing.

I worked in a grocery store and kept sending money back to F's mother ( my g mother) as I still had a bank account out of state and was planning on fleeing as soon as a could. step mom had 2 kids with my F and wanted me out of house , was demanding money from me , etc. She stayed home all day freebasing coke. This is why I did not want to show any money in my local bank.  

I would mail checks to my g mother and have her make deposits on my behalf. During my inner child healing, I remembered calling her about the deposits and start crying about how bad things were. I was telling her things have spiraled out of control ect. I vividly recall her getting nervous about her son finding out she is helping me hide money.

 I can almost see my 16 year old self crying in a pay phone to his g mother about how bad things were and   her not wanting to get involved but keeps giving her son money. This went on for a few months and then she told new wife everything I said and about my meager savings account. This only infuriated step mom and made her that much more resolute to get me out.

 I mentioned previously about trying to hang myself in garage and step mom telling her friend or sister on the phone she saw me doing it but did nothing as she was hoping I succeeded. She was laughing while saying this.

 I know g mother always hated me as she always called me rape baby , complained she hates me because I look so much like my mom , " I told your F not to put his name on your birth cert, etc. She even blamed me when I was 5/6 for him getting busted for dealing coke. The DEA had me on wiretap yelling I wanted a hotdog. I remember hearing the recordings my F played at home during the trial trying to build a defense. She took this kernel of truth and expounded on it.

My questions is ; my g mother was BPD. What would have made her turn on me the way she did?  As I continue my healing , this old wound popped up.

 We moved to a state where my bio M lived 30 minutes away. Step M and bio M became best friends and of course this was based on drugs. Bio M who I had little contact with began telling step M how much of a loser I was and they both teamed up on me. This started heavy as I was graduating HS and moved out so it did not bother me that much. Oddly, I was not that hurt by it either. Maybe I was so immune to abuse or maybe I simply expected that sort of behavior.

As a disclaimer to everyone doing Inner Childhood healing, please be prepared to encounter some painful stuff. In the end, it's worth it.

I used to be really bothered that I was a bit of a loser as a kid. I backed down from a few fights, absolutely no chance of getting a girlfriend, socially awkward, etc.

Thanks to inner child healing(ICH) , I have come to accept the fact, yes there were a few times I should have stood up for myself with other kids. Yes, there were times that I did. I also realized my young personality was trying to for alliances with others as I had none at home. This came across as weird and or weak to many. In the long run, this personality trait has been a blessing as it has helped me build groups in life. Most of this came about from my F projecting his insanity on me and calling me out for being a failure. He would be drunk and high swaying around in our kitchen that had a broken table and a few chairs held together by rope in a ghetto -ass apt.  He was in his mid 30's telling me about how I am a loser and when he was in HS, he was had ties to the mafia, the local police were either paid off or afraid to bust him, he could steal cars whenever he wanted and of course he dated a bevy of supermodels.

  Of course a teenager going through what I was dealing with would feel inadequate. It wasn't until I stared ICH , I began to realize, no was not weak on any level. Trying to build rapport with others as a young teen and not quickly resorting to violence is not a bad thing. The very fact I survived and am relatively in tact from my childhood is the biggest testament to my inner strength. This is what I tell my teen self. You have major survival skills that many may think are awkward for this stage in your life but wait until you get a bit older. You will see how vital the skills you have really are. I can almost feel a weight lifted on myself as my 16/17 year old self is reassured by what I am saying.

 Thanks for listening and I hope this helps others as well !

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi PleaseHelp!

Good to hear from you again. Look at how you are progressing, painful as it is.  I know exactly what you mean when you mention the painful process of healing the inner child. I want to post a link to a workshop that I just shared with another member, and hope it will be for your benefit too.

When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?

I read through some of this on one of those days when my own inner child was seeking comfort and answers. I'll be honest and say that there were some points when I cried as I read and imagined that someone cared like the workshop encourages. I spoke with my T about some of the things to do to help a child at risk, and he gave me the homework of doing those steps with my inner child. It has been so helpful to me. Perhaps it will help you as well.

 
Wools

[Please help]

Wools,

   Thanks for that link. You caused me to have another breakthrough ( I think). It seems as though most of my family F , M and both grandmothers saw me as the abuser.

  F's mother saw me as the cause for ruining her son's life. It was due to my birth he married my M and even going to prison was attributed to me ( see earlier post). My M's mother saw me as a bad kid. This was the narrative my M put out there as an excuse for not being in my life. " Oh, he is such a bad kid, he has to live with his father as I cannot control him".  In the 7th grade, I hardly went to school. I mostly had to stay home ( trailer ) and take care of her younger 2 kids. Each of us from a different father. We moved so much, she still had me in old school system and did not bother to switch me to new town. If she was running late and could not get both kids to day a care and drop me off to school in morning, I would stay home. Yet, her mother saw me as a jerk for not having anything to do with my M when I was in my late teens.

  My F is a weak man. He bought the narrative from his M about how me and my M ruined his life. My M used to say she was a clean-cut girl , class valedictorian , honor society type buy was sexually assaulted by my F at 16 and had me. I ruined her life.

All these people saw me as the abuser. I read the link you send and no one worried about me. Instead, they lashed out at me for the damage I did to them.

WOW. I see the whole situation much clearer now.

One question. Why do children of BPD's aspire to perfection? It bothers me (much less as time goes on) about low points in my life i.e high school years , early 20's when I had to struggle to get an education ect. I have a tendency to beat myself up for not making better decisions and having a stronger mind back then.  I am curious as to why I do this.

Thanks