What excuses were you given?

[SummerStorm]

Mine told me that I'm psychotic.  This was two days after we looked at a house together. 

[g2outfitter]

Hi g2outfitter,

I think it would give many guys a wounded ego if they were told that the reason why our exes broke up with us is because we're not good in bed, if you look past the verbal reasons and you look at the core criterion of the disorder, it is intense / unstable interpersonal r/s's, a pwBPD cannot sustain a healthy r/s like we'd want to.

Thanks Mutt... .it was a huge blow to my self esteem for sure.  I eventually realized it had very little to do with that and a whole lot more of what you mentioned.

Thanks again for your post... .it's very much appreciated!

[insideoutside]

I was called nasty and abusive after losing my ___ with my friend after he bailed on me for the umpteenth time, after promising me he wouldn't.  I did warn him I would and admittedly I gave him both barrels due to sheet frustration and anger.  This was also after months of him sending me fat pictures when he knew I was on a diet and hitting the gym and thinking it was hilarious... .and said if I ever contact him again he will contact the police and have me done for harassment. I mean ___, really?  

[Skip]

In the end, it doesn't really matter what their excuses are for discarding us... .their brains and lives are so disordered... .

I have a bit of a different take on this.

Once, I had a girlfriend and I called off the relationship for something that she did (hacking my email - final straw). She accepted the end, but wrote me to tell me what I needed to do to be a better person.  I had three thoughts:

1) Its inappropriate to tell someone to fix themselves when a relationship ends (by us or by our partner) because we have a very biased and emotional view. We shouldn't do it.

2) It's not very mature to take breakup comments too literally or consider them a fair evaluation of us. Typically the person saying them is much more concerned with themselves at this time and what they say is driven by a lot of things like guilt, not wanting it to be awkward, not wanting a debate, not wanting tears, venting frustrations, wanting a hard stop (or a soft one), posturing for a new partner, selling themselves on the idea, escaping their own bad relationship contributions, etc.

3) Do relationships even end for tactical reasons (other than infidelity, or physical abuse)? Falling out of love, devaluing, wanting a different relationship are deeper and broader considerations that drive breakups that we often can't really wrap our hands around. No one breaks up because "you don't like Christmas".

The first time my exBPD ended our relationship she told me it was because I was passive aggressive, not a happy person, didn't appreciate her, was too critical of her, didn't buy her an engagement ring (in the first month of dating), didn't put her on my checking account (again, first month) and didn't like Christmas (no really - she said that. I like Christmas).

I then found out she was cheating on me.

And so all the other reasons probably didn't mean anything - they were just more respectable reasons than I'm cheating on you.

Why was she cheating? Something was missing and so she jumped thinking she would find it in another man.  What was missing?

If you think hard enough about all the fights, you will figure it out. It will make sense. It may not be mature thinking, but it will make sense. Maybe your relationship didn't live up to the idealization that brought you together and she saw that possibility in someone else.

The answer is more likely on that level.

[JHKMX]

Some of the excuses my ex uBPDgf gave me on our final phone chat (last nivember) were simply hilarious.

She'd met 2 new lady friends and she preferred to spend more girly time rather than having a boyfriend.
I liked to watch tv from 9pm till around 11 most evenings but she needed to be tucked up by 9.
I dont like flying.
Ive got a temper. (I really dont but she pushed me to my limits a few times and i told her a few home truths)
It was too much for her to have to do my washing as well as hers and her 3 sons.
I didnt take them all to Paris in the summer after promising the kids. ( reason being she was pushing pulling that often we were breaking up every 5 days)
I drink too much. (True but not as much as her)
I never used to mow the front lawn. Its literally a 10 minute job and i work 55 hrs a week and she doesnt work.

Then after saying all that she said that i was great with her kids. A fab lover. And her best friend. It was a great story until she followed it up with BUT... .

All the excuses were nonsensical. And by that stage i had her down for BPD. If only she had been honest and told me the real reason. The fact she'd been having a bit with another man for God knows how long. I actually dread to think. Ive been NC since that phone call.