Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:54:35 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: To those of you with "grown" kids...  (Read 426 times)
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« on: April 20, 2017, 08:48:53 AM »

did the BPD in your life stop paying as much attention to them?

I have noticed that all of a sudden, BPD mom, who was doing everything she could to make sure the kids did not see us, is now "encouraging" them to come over.  She also just stopped paying their cell phone bills.  Besides being out of money, what else could be driving this behavior?  Did she finally decide she could no longer use them to hurt DH?
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2017, 09:20:01 AM »

SO's BPDex goes back and forth doing this.

She alienated SO's S17, who is intellectually delayed/Asperger's. He is tragically enmeshed and grossly underprepared for transitioning to adult responsibilities.

Suddenly, a few months ago, BPDx became motivated to get S17 out of the house on his 18th birthday. She wanted to know what SO was going to do to support his son. She wanted SO to pay $70K in tuition to send S18 to New York and attend Culinary Institute of America. This kid has never stepped foot in a kitchen, and to SO's knowledge, has never made a meal. S17 sees things on TV and gets fixated on grandiose visions, with no foot in reality. 

We figure this change of heart to get rid of S17 must be because her affair partner has said he will not move in until the house is clear of kids.

Which, to be honest, is smart on his part. S17 is a really tough case.

Seems to be a similar deal with D20, who is also seriously enmeshed and likely BPD herself. D20 sleeps with her mom when she's visiting from college, but recently, D20 had a stretch of suicidal ideation that could be related to abandonment depression, now that BPD mom's interest has shifted to her BF.

I can also see in your situation how BPDx might have nothing left to fight, so there is nothing there to win.

She might be hanging up her boxing gloves until something else starts triggering her survival instincts.
Logged

Breathe.
Nope
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2017, 09:35:42 AM »

Sanemom, in your specific situation it could simply be that she recognizes the kids are now old enough to potentially start seeing her past actions for what they actually were. What I've found is that when BPDm would realize this she would stop doing what she had been doing and pretend the new behavior was the behavior she has always done. The kids always seem to buy into this and have a very short memory for her past horrible actions.

Example in my case: BPDm made rude and inappropriate comments to SD (then 10) stating I looked "weird" and might be of a certain ethnicity. This got back to me because at the time SD was young and had zero world exposure and so she actually repeated her mother's comments. Well, I am of that suspected ethnicity, so when SD moved here with us I dropped some knowledge on her and so did her new more inclusive school environment. Then, all of the sudden BPDm was sending her books to read and trying to take an active roll in educating her on my background. As if she had never said the awful things about me to SD that she previously said. Because no SD was old enough and had enough other exposure that uBPD would look like a real jerk for her previous attitude. If I bring that episode up with SD now, it never happened. Her mom has always been supportive of her learning about my culture and not been ugly about it.

So, if in your case she is supportive of the adult kid's relationship with their​ dad, then she has always been supportive and nobody can say different and she can't be held accountable for her prior actions.
Logged
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2017, 12:47:57 AM »

I have had a lot of discussion with DSS19 lately, and I was surprised to find out that he truly gets how he was "influenced"--he said that he thought that when the judge called it "parental alienation" it was harsh, but it sounds like he has been googling it and such (he had read on some cases of PA in the news). 

He doesn't see his mom as a maternal figure--more like a friend.  He let me know that we were correct in our suspicions--he WAS supporting mom's household his senior year of high school by working full time AND going to school... .mom wasn't working. 

This realization seemed to come all of a sudden to me, and he has been very open all of a sudden with me after years and years of being quiet.  It is all so weird and surreal.  He said that his mom feels guilty for doing to them what was done to her... .putting them through the drama that she was put through as a child.  I guess it took a judge to call her out and completely throw her under the bus before she would stop.  So sad... .these kids suffered so much, and the oldest (20) is a complete mess; DSS19 has been a mess but seems to be trying to change the path his life was going on; and the youngest (17) is trying to climb out of the emotional muck that was left behind.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2017, 08:59:28 AM »

I wonder what these kids really understand.

D20's mom will say things like, "If you stay at your dad's that whole week, then don't bother ever coming here again. I'm done with you."

D20 is always terrified that her mom will cut her out, even tho none of her threats to do that have ever materialized. It's like D20 is in a perpetual state of fear that her mom will abandon her. And that fear of abandonment is now a big part of how D20 sees all relationships. If her dad leaves the kitchen for a few minutes, D20 gets up to go look for him. She wanders into my bedroom and bathroom when she feels alone, looking for him, and when she first started living here, she would even text her dad from her bedroom after we went to bed, often with some fear or need for reassurance about something she found lying around in her head.    D20 told me last summer that her mom has anxiety. Talk about an understatement.

D23 is much more resilient and knows exactly what's going on with her mom -- she figured out it was BPD on her own. And yet, seems she uses the label to explain only a fraction of the behaviors that go along with mom's dysfunctions. 
Logged

Breathe.
Rubies
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 638


« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2017, 04:29:16 PM »

DD22, the golden,  became aware of BPDxh's erratic, extreme destructive behaviors when she was 14 and began calling him on it.  We were still married.   When she was 15 he used " rescuing you from your mother's brainwashing" to justify taking her 5 states away against her will to kick off the divorce.  This was extremely traumatic and destroyed the trust she had in her dad and his family.

DD was dutiful in her visitation obligations although they were incredibly stressful for her.   At no time was she able to have conversations with him to resolve the issues she felt were a threat to her safety, wellbeing and peace of mind.  These people did horrible things to DD just to  stress her out and they could laugh. She went no contact with her dad and paternal relatives when she turned 18.   She was sick of gaslighting, emotional vomit, the constant lying, manipulations and the constant threat of being kidnapped again.  Conversations with therapist, lawyer and other children of BPDs helped her make a healthy choice for her.

She found peace except for her BPDf's surpise intrusions into her life trying to see her and "rescue" her from me.   His letters were truly disturbing.  He completely discounted her experiences and feelings, she stopped reading the letters due to PTSD reactions.  

I was encouraged to contact BPDxh to pay DD22's medical copays for some of her impairments.  He made stipulations of conversation and relationship in exchange.  What kind of person uses emotional blackmail when a kid has medical needs?   I kept the conversation short and sweet, facts only and his promise to cover all copays.  2 of the clinic offices called me and said they didn't want him calling again, just an address to send the bill.   He began pelting my voicemail with promises of the sun and the moon to have a relationship with DD and I again.  I had to talk with him again, listen to his gut-wrenching narcissism and the promises he won't keep.  He really really REALLY wanted to know why our DD wants nothing to do with him.  I told him the two incidences that were DD's deciding factors due to his unwillingness to discuss the problems she had with him.

Typical BPD response; deny, flip and gaslight.  "That never happened, if it did happened YOU did it!"  When I pointed out his response is exactly WHY DD is No Contact, and why we never resolved an issue during our entire marriage.  He was raging when I told him not to call me again and hung up.

He sent a long letter to DD referring to her bad experiences and feelings with him as "differences of opinion" between her parents.  She again felt totally invalidated in her personhood.  It reinforced her belief that NC is the right choice for her.

Logged
Teereese
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 133


« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2017, 06:20:22 PM »

  I come here and realize how my situation was not unique. Each post touches on what I thought was only my crazy life.

My daughters are 18 and 19 and both so affected by their father.

They have both seen, heard and experienced so much over the years. As they got older, xBPDh began the push/pull and painting black/white with them. They learned the feelings of fear and abandonment from his threats and actions of leaving and of self harm. They both felt the rejection and dismissal, as he targeted them in his attempts to hurt me. They have both been sucked in and spit out by him in his attempts to make them promises with strings attached. Ridden the crests of waves only to end up bruised and scraped in the undertow.

Both have decided, at this point, it is not in their best interest to have him in their lives. They are both focused on their futures, in college and working and have relative peace in their lives. They have support and stability of family and are working out their own feelings, finding and defining themselves.

I do hope that one day they can have a relationship with their father, in whatever capacity they feel comfortable and safe with. I hope that when they make future attempts, their father will be willing to accept them where they are at.


Logged
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2017, 12:52:32 PM »

Even the GC may be being discarded by BPD mom.  GC20 finally allowed us to get her a new cell phone (at first she was worried we were going to bug it and track her... .uh... .ok?).  Then on the morning that GC had to move out of her dorm, BPD mom supposedly had a flat tire and could not go to pick her up so BPD mom contacted DH to do that.  DSD was to spend the night at our place that night because we had to rearrange our schedule (this was 8 hours round trip minimum) and go back to her mom's the next day (Mother's Day).  Instead, BPD mom said she needs to get things ready for DSD to move in for the summer and after DSS and DSD went to their mom's for Mother's Day for two hours, DSD came back to our place.  I don't even think they ate there.

DSD claims she will stay with us for a few more days, but I am wondering what on earth does BPD mom need to do to arrange for DSD to stay with her?  I bet BPD mom finds a way to keep her with us (which is fine... .I worry a little about the spy thing, but not really anymore).

I can tell that DSD20 is still protecting her mom... .lying to herself even about this situation... .but I am letting it go and avoiding the topic as much as I can.  I gave DSD20 one of my Mother's Day roses so she could give it to her mom for Mother's Day. 

I DO think she realizes that the kids "know" her games now so she is going to pretend she never played them.  Whatever... .
Logged
NorthernGirl
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1030



« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2017, 11:56:28 AM »

did the BPD in your life stop paying as much attention to them?

I have noticed that all of a sudden, BPD mom, who was doing everything she could to make sure the kids did not see us, is now "encouraging" them to come over.  She also just stopped paying their cell phone bills.  Besides being out of money, what else could be driving this behavior?  Did she finally decide she could no longer use them to hurt DH?

sanemom -- you know some of my situation, so you know that we are not at a stage where uBPD mom has stopped paying attention to her kids. I remember reading long ago that some people with BPD have reduced symptoms as they age. That hasn't happened in our case. uBPD is in her mid 50s, their three sons are all in their 20s. Although two of them are far below their actual age when it comes to emotional maturity, which no plays into the situation.

We have noticed a pattern of her building chaos and drama about every six months. And we have noticed she usually only stirs up drama related to one kid at a time.  My guess is she feels managing all the crises is her full time job. If there isn't a real crisis, she creates one.

When DH got sole guardianship of SS22 last year, we realized it reduced a huge amount of pressure of having to communicate with her. She slowly began to realize DH doesn't have to do as she demands. So she has hardly focused on SS22 since then, in fact to the point of him being sad that he never sees her. SS27 has had very limited contact or no contact with her for years. So all of her focus lately is on SS25. DH tries to ignore the drama she creates around SS25, but it isn't easy.

Some days we pray for her to find someone new to focus on. She had an on again - off again boyfriend for years when I first met DH. I learned last year he was admitted to hospital at some point when they were dating because of a suicide attempt so he wasn't mentally healthy. But when he was in the picture, she focused her energy on him. Is it evil to hope some other guy falls for her without knowing what he's in for.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  
Logged

[/url]
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!