1.5 years out… Closure advice from therapist

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi bpdfamily,

It has been awhile since I have posted but I am a follower of the posting boards (I suspect there are many of us).  As the title states I’ve been about 1.5 years out of a relationship with my exGF whom I suspect may be BPD and whom I loved dearly. The breakup was devastating for me and was similar to many stories I read, let’s just leave it at that.

My recovery has been rocky to say the least, although, I’m so much better now than I was a year ago. I have been NC since the breakup even though she has tried to reach out via text a couple times looking to “catch up”. I have been strong at ignoring these contacts but during emotional times I am still tempted to responding and reaching out to her even after all this time. Anger, sadness, and regret still remain for me and I have yet to come to full closure from the relationship. Unfortunately, I have turned to alcohol for relief from this pain – not good.

My question to the board today regards my last session with my therapist. He believes I am very close to breaking out of the “Fog” and I believe I am too. I told my T that I was thinking of writing a closure letter. I have a hard time letting go without her knowing how I feel… Both how much she meant to me and also how much she hurt me. I have been on these boards awhile and I know the general consensus is that this is not a good idea. I feel like after 1.5 years I should not be letting this get to me anymore. My therapist thinks I should write the letter but send it to him first. My thought is that he wants me to get my feelings out and then go over it with him in our next session, maybe to discuss the repercussions of sending the letter. Has anyone ever contacted there ex in this respect, especially after so long of time? Is there really any good that can come from sending a letter? Am I strong enough to live with whatever the reply or non-reply might be? I’m still confused, which is probably a strong reason to not send the letter to begin with. Anyway, thoughts on this subject are appreciated.

Stay Strong

[FlyFish]

Hi bpdfamily,

It has been awhile since I have posted but I am a follower of the posting boards (I suspect there are many of us).  As the title states I’ve been about 1.5 years out of a relationship with my exGF whom I suspect may be BPD and whom I loved dearly. The breakup was devastating for me and was similar to many stories I read, let’s just leave it at that.

My recovery has been rocky to say the least, although, I’m so much better now than I was a year ago. I have been NC since the breakup even though she has tried to reach out via text a couple times looking to “catch up”. I have been strong at ignoring these contacts but during emotional times I am still tempted to responding and reaching out to her even after all this time. Anger, sadness, and regret still remain for me and I have yet to come to full closure from the relationship. Unfortunately, I have turned to alcohol for relief from this pain – not good.

My question to the board today regards my last session with my therapist. He believes I am very close to breaking out of the “Fog” and I believe I am too. I told my T that I was thinking of writing a closure letter. I have a hard time letting go without her knowing how I feel… Both how much she meant to me and also how much she hurt me. I have been on these boards awhile and I know the general consensus is that this is not a good idea. I feel like after 1.5 years I should not be letting this get to me anymore. My therapist thinks I should write the letter but send it to him first. My thought is that he wants me to get my feelings out and then go over it with him in our next session, maybe to discuss the repercussions of sending the letter. Has anyone ever contacted there ex in this respect, especially after so long of time? Is there really any good that can come from sending a letter? Am I strong enough to live with whatever the reply or non-reply might be? I’m still confused, which is probably a strong reason to not send the letter to begin with. Anyway, thoughts on this subject are appreciated.

Stay Strong

[roberto516]

I wouldn't be personally. I have come to the painful truth that I can never speak to her again. It's easier when I accept that, and that the depression days can be much more manageable. Just my two cents.

[flourdust]

I think writing this letter could be a good idea.

But sending it is a bad idea. It can essentially open a new chapter of a relationship you are trying to put behind you -- the will-she-or-won't-she-write-back chapter. You can spend hours ruminating on this: did she receive the letter, is she reading it now, what is she thinking about, is she laughing at me, I bet her new boyfriend and her are reading the letter right now while they share a romantic night in front of the fire... .you get my drift.

I like your therapist's idea of giving the letter to him. Discussing it with him could be a good channel for those thoughts. Another option that occurred to me -- could you share the letter with close friends? Perhaps they'd be willing to sit down with you and talk about the letter and your relationship. Their commiseration with you about what you went through and how you've moved on could provide the positive affirmation and feedback that you want but will never get from your ex.

What do you think?

[AustenJ]

I think that's a great idea in sharing that letter with your therapist. Our XBPDs will rarely ever give us closure... .for most it's a moving target anyway on why they discarded us... .most cannot really ever explain why because they are 4yr olds at their core.

So we must seek our own closure in healthy ways... .by writing and sharing our feelings with trusted friends and therapists, by being mindful of what makes us happy, and working to eliminate the toxins of a BPD relationship from our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls.

I personally did make the decision to write a final email to my diagnosed xBPDgf. It wasn't raging like earlier emails, but was composed and honest in talking how she would ultimately destroy me completely and that I deserved better. It made me feel much better about myself and the experience without totally torching someone I was in love with once upon a time.

She never responded to the email... .she may have deleted it before she read it. I work with her every day. We never speak and I have not seen her for 30 plus days. Saw her at an assembly today but ignored her. She look down and distracted... .probably contemplating how to discard my replacement... .

[JaxWest]

I agree with the rest. Write it, but do not send it. I doubt you will ever get closure, but writing the letter will help get those feelings and emotions out. You get to internally discuss what upset you. Why what that person did was wrong. If you send it, you will never really get a good response, because they do not think what they did was wrong.

[FlyFish]

Thanks for all the replies. I agree with you but maybe I'm trying to convince myself otherwise. I believe it is important to write the letter even if it is just for myself. If I do write the letter I might always be tempted to send it to her though, especially in moments of weakness which we all know how that feels. I also believe there is just a small molecule of hope left that maybe we can try again. ugh. I'm really just tired of letting this breakup overpower me. I'm tired of having lost my self confidence, and I'm tired of being tired. Part of me feels like I'm giving up hope of ever fully healing from this and taking my life back. Today just happens to be one of those bad days. Sorry for ranting

[Swhitey]

... .we must seek our own closure in healthy ways... .by writing and sharing our feelings with trusted friends and therapists... .

I will echo what most are saying as well. Writing the letter from your heart and being as open and honest as you can is a great way to begin healing wounds. As AustenJ states, sharing these deeply, personal and vulnerable feelings, is best expressed with people who you can trust and have proven that trust to you. A safe person(s). Is your Ex a safe person you can trust with your feelings? If you are vulnerable with your ex, will she show you respect and validate how you feel?

In my experience, I have found writing these "final letters" to "that person" to be very therapeutic (I have written several based on how I am feeling in the moment, so they change a bit each time) and have had a few "Ah-ha" insights into understanding my own hurts. over time, and with great difficulty, I have practiced connecting with those very intense and uncomfortable feelings. Making sense of them and facing them can be incredibly painful at times. You have an opportunity to to get some help, support and insight processing them through a therapist or another person of trust.

I hope you chose to write the letter and share it with your therapist. I think you will experience more pain and suffering by sharing it with the ex.

Thank you for sharing your story Flyfish, sharing it has helped me relate a little bit more to my own experience and myself

[FallenOne]

Ask yourself why you have a desire to meet up, catch up, make up, and/or be friends or lovers with someone who treated like you like sh!t and has no empathy or compassion for how you feel or how any of this affected you?

Really, I want you to ask yourself that question... If anything these people should be considered enemies... I mean, they consider us enemies. What logic is there in loving an enemy? Sometimes, I think some of us are just as disordered as they are but in a different way.

[Swhitey]

I want to share a link that I found very empowering, someone posted another article from this site here a few days ago and i think there is some useful self help tools.

Starts off with:

"COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?
The Borderline and You

Untangling the snarled web of confusion, self-doubt and shame is by far the most difficult challenge of separating from a borderline disordered individual. For weeks, months or even years after your split, you're still trying to make the pieces of that puzzle fit, which traps you inside a labyrinth of obsession and yearning.

One of the more injurious parts of your relationship with a Borderline, is it's left you with the endless, tormenting question; "was it them, or me?" You've probably replayed this tape in your head hundreds, even thousands of times, regardless of how many articles you've read here (or elsewhere) that clearly define borderline traits, and help you comprehend your irresitible attraction to someone who's brilliant and stunning--but crazy-making and hurtful.

It makes absolutely no sense, that you could keep wanting somebody who's been your cruel/dismissive tormentor, and turned your world upside-down and inside-out. It's this inner battle between your rational mind and your painful longing, which has you continuing to wrestle with this toxic relationship, and that's what we're here to dismantle."

www.gettinbetter.com/key.html

Hopefully others can benefit too from this resource.

[In a bad way]

Hi bpdfamily,

It has been awhile since I have posted but I am a follower of the posting boards (I suspect there are many of us).  As the title states I’ve been about 1.5 years out of a relationship with my exGF whom I suspect may be BPD and whom I loved dearly. The breakup was devastating for me and was similar to many stories I read, let’s just leave it at that.

My recovery has been rocky to say the least, although, I’m so much better now than I was a year ago. I have been NC since the breakup even though she has tried to reach out via text a couple times looking to “catch up”. I have been strong at ignoring these contacts but during emotional times I am still tempted to responding and reaching out to her even after all this time. Anger, sadness, and regret still remain for me and I have yet to come to full closure from the relationship. Unfortunately, I have turned to alcohol for relief from this pain – not good.

My question to the board today regards my last session with my therapist. He believes I am very close to breaking out of the “Fog” and I believe I am too. I told my T that I was thinking of writing a closure letter. I have a hard time letting go without her knowing how I feel… Both how much she meant to me and also how much she hurt me. I have been on these boards awhile and I know the general consensus is that this is not a good idea. I feel like after 1.5 years I should not be letting this get to me anymore. My therapist thinks I should write the letter but send it to him first. My thought is that he wants me to get my feelings out and then go over it with him in our next session, maybe to discuss the repercussions of sending the letter. Has anyone ever contacted there ex in this respect, especially after so long of time? Is there really any good that can come from sending a letter? Am I strong enough to live with whatever the reply or non-reply might be? I’m still confused, which is probably a strong reason to not send the letter to begin with. Anyway, thoughts on this subject are appreciated.

Stay Strong

Trust me my friend I know exactly what you mean.
I've had a few drinks myself but hopefully I will say what I intend.
I spent 4 months writing a letter, I kept editing it and then I posted it... .I got no reply.
As someone said it leaves you with more questions... .
Did she get it?
Did she read it?
Did she put it straight in the bin?
If she read it why no reply?
Is she that cold?
How can the woman that was going to marry me do this?

The list goes on.
BUT I see where you are coming from you have the overwhelming urge to send the letter because you are unable to absorb the rejection.
If after 1.5 years you are thinking about it you are still in pain, send the letter you have nothing to loose but the chances of gaining anything are slim.
Will you feel worse?
At least your mind will know you tried.
I sent mine a message a month ago, no reply.
It's 44 weeks and 3 days since I saw her, does she care?... .Obviously not.
It kills me for all the obvious reasons.
I think in an other 7 and a bit weeks it will be a year and I am tempted to send another letter even though I know there is no point.
I want her to realise I existed and still do but it's futile.

It's 50/50... .send it or don't... .if you do you do but if you don't you will always feel the need to do so.
If you get no answer then it messes with your head more.