Same Fight

[Echo87]

We go through this same cycle that seems to come seemingly out of the blue. He just wakes up miserable and grumpy, short-tempered with everyone around him, including the kids. He's triggered by usual household noise(dishwasher running, kids playing, shower running, talking) and being unable to find food he "wants to eat". He becomes increasingly agitated but wants to sleep. I've set boundaries that he's not permitted to lose his temper with myself or the children, though do my best to validate his sensitivity to noise during these times and encourage the children to engage in activities that keep household volume to a moderate level. Fair, right?

Unfortunately this does little to keep my anxiety at bay as I wait for these episodes to pass as they always do... .There is little I can do to derail the rollercoaster and I have a hard time accepting it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

The cycles are so frustrating. It kind of is something that you just have to wait out. My H goes through those same cycles. Validation can really help during these times. Also setting boudaries.

One thing with boundaries is that the boundaries you set are not on someone else, but should be boundaries you set for yourself. For instance by telling your husband he can't lose his temper, you are putting a boundary on him. That can be a form of control. How does it work out when you remind him of this?

A better boundary would be for you to set the boundary that you do not want to be yelled at. So when your H begins to yell, you can say something like, "I don't like to be yelled at. I'm going to go for a drive until things calm down." Then you remove yourself. You are telling him what behavior you will not put up with for yourself not what behavior he is prevented from doing. He can yell all he wants, you just won't be there to listen to it. We cannot control others; we can only control ourselves.

Here is a link to one of our workshops on boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[Echo87]

When initially setting the "no yelling" boundary, it didn't fair well. It, of course, escalated into a fight, and after reading your reply, I do undestand why. I was setting the boundary on him, in an attempt to control his behavior. Which logically isn't going to work in ANY relationship, let alone somebody with BPD.
So, tried it with your phrasing... And left until things calmed, walked the dog, took the kids to the park, went to the grocery store. When I returned, you could almost FEEL the shift in the atmosphere of the house. He was calmer, everything was calmer. By not engaging, and not controlling... it worked.