confide your own personal limitations with a pwBPD and it is used to generateFOG

[Clara Louise]

I've read about FOG, trying to better understand it. Could you give me a concrete example or two that illustrate this dynamic.  I get it . . . and then my emotional understanding slips away.  I understand it intellectually, have a few tools to avoid this particular dynamic, and am grieving the loss of a mutually emotionally mature (complete with trust) partnership and marriage.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance.

"Emotional Blackmail" and "FOG", terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, Ph.D., are about controlling relationships and the theory that fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Is It Emotional Blackmail?

Forward and Frazier’s labeling of this dynamic with inflammatory terms such as "blackmail" and "manipulation" may not be so helpful as it is both polarizing and it implies premeditation and malicious intent which is often not the case. It helps to remember that the person who is acting in a controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported, needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive to our needs in doing so that is troubling - and how we react to all of this.

[Tattered Heart]

When I think of FOG I think of times when perhaps I wanted to either 1) stand up to my H and backed down halfway through or 2) wanted to ask something from my husband and didn't.

For instance, let's say that I wanted to go to dinner with some girlfriends. When I bring up the subject to my H, he begins to get angry. Instead of standing up for myself, being clear about my needs, validating him, etc. I begin to fear his anger, feel obligated to stay at home, and feel guilty for wanting to go out with others. So instead of doing what I want to do, which is going out with friends, I respond with FOG and end up staying home.

[Clara Louise]

Thanks, Skip and Tattered Heart.  TH: Your example was straightforward and very accessible. 

As I reflect on situations such as these that have occurred over the years, I react with anger (my first mis-step); why should he be unsettled, angry, or generating some kind of distraction because I have plans?

FOG -- stemming from childhood responses were my "default" mode.  Yikes . . .this is painful to see clearly.

Again, thank you for the concrete example you provided.  I'm getting it and my role in the dynamic.