Testing diagnosed xBPDgf's boundaries

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Diagnosed xBPDgf:
"My boyfriend (my replacement) wouldn't approve of that. And I don't want to put myself in a compromising position. I wouldn't want him to do that. So it's not ok for me to do that... .especially with our history."

Me:
But didn't you do the exact same thing to me with an ex boyfriend? Especially with your history with him?

X:
Yea. But I'm not willing to do that now.

Me:
What has changed now? How are you different now?

X:
This guy is different for some reason. And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I'm not going to be that girl anymore. I want to act appropriate in relationships now.

Me:
So our relationship wasn't worth it?

X:
It was. I just was not acting appropriately and I recognized that. And I realized what I did. And I don't want to do that again to anyone else.

Me:
As an individual who knows much of your past with men, what are you doing differently now that you did not do with me and all of your other exes?

X:
Expressing my emotions in healthy ways. Not losing myself in a relationship by allowing myself girl time and alone time. Being more independent. I'm trying. And I realized I hurt lots of people by doing what I did. So I'm trying hard to be better.

Me:
Good luck with that.

[AustenJ]

Diagnosed xBPDgf:
"My boyfriend (my replacement) wouldn't approve of that. And I don't want to put myself in a compromising position. I wouldn't want him to do that. So it's not ok for me to do that... .especially with our history."

Me:
But didn't you do the exact same thing to me with an ex boyfriend? Especially with your history with him?

X:
Yea. But I'm not willing to do that now.

Me:
What has changed now? How are you different now?

X:
This guy is different for some reason. And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I'm not going to be that girl anymore. I want to act appropriate in relationships now.

Me:
So our relationship wasn't worth it?

X:
It was. I just was not acting appropriately and I recognized that. And I realized what I did. And I don't want to do that again to anyone else.

Me:
As an individual who knows much of your past with men, what are you doing differently now that you did not do with me and all of your other exes?

X:
Expressing my emotions in healthy ways. Not losing myself in a relationship by allowing myself girl time and alone time. Being more independent. I'm trying. And I realized I hurt lots of people by doing what I did. So I'm trying hard to be better.

Me:
Good luck with that.

[roberto516]

That's why I need to stay NC. I can't imagine that conversation with her. It would make me so angry. But if she is a BP who isn't getting therapy help in a DBT sense it's all gonna come back. She's in the idealization phase so of course everything's perfect. But if she realizes she needs to discuss emotions and such it's progress for her. But honestly, once she is triggered to really talk or the abandonment comes that will be the real test for her. But it's not something you have to worry about anymore.

[AustenJ]

me:
Are you doing therapy or just being mindful of your actions?

X:
Both. Trying to find ways to release stress and not take it out on people so much. Been reading more, drinking tea, hiking, etc.

me:
Are you really seeing a therapist? Every week?

X:
No. Twice a month. With spring break and coaching it's been a few weeks. But definitely helping to figure out my triggers and how my damaging thoughts affect my relationships.

me:
Are you still triangulating all with your ex, your BFF?

X:
No it helps he moved. But we talk occasionally and keep healthy communication.

me:
Did your BFF ever tell you that I reached out to him after you discarded me? I don't think he truly ever knew about our 5 month relationship.

X:
Yea he did. That wasn't a good idea probably. But oh well. He was okay about it. Just didn't really wanna talk about it. Wanted to leave it in the past, I guess.

[once removed]

whats the goal here?

[UnforgivenII]

Why are you talking with her? Why allowing her to hurt you?

[AustenJ]

This was a text exchange before the final, final discard that I recently came across on my phone... .just illustrates her thinking and how its difficult to ever get closure

[once removed]

im asking about your thinking here, though. what was/is the goal?

[AustenJ]

I think I just wanted confirmation of her craziness and that she continues on her destructive past... .that I wasn't the cause of her craziness and that she will continue to idealize and then devalue people.

I have read so much about BPD and that they don't change, but I guess I just wanted to "touch that hot stove" for myself. I thought it may trigger me negatively, but it really hasn't, if anything it spurs me on with NC

[once removed]

I think I just wanted confirmation of her craziness and that she continues on her destructive past... .that I wasn't the cause of her craziness and that she will continue to idealize and then devalue people.

i can understand that. it sounds like theres a lot of hurt here. do you feel like if she does change, or better herself, that it would reflect poorly on you?

[g2outfitter]

Austen... .my exBPD "improved" herself both times she ended things with me.  But I assure you, a leopard does not change it's spots.  They can change their behavior for a short period of time but not over the long haul.  I used to get so mad that she would put forth the effort to not repeat the mistakes or adjust her behavior when she would get in new relationships but it never failed, her true self always came back and the replacement was gone in no time.

It's a dysfunctional relationship and there is one common factor... .BPD.  Because of this, the next relationship will be just as dysfunctional - it just takes time.  That's the main reason recycles never work... .the behavior may change in the short term but it's still the same person and the core will eventually always come through.

[Dutched]

Austen... .my exBPD "improved" herself both times she ended things with me.  But I assure you, a leopard does not change it's spots.  They can change their behavior for a short period of time but not over the long haul.  I used to get so mad that she would put forth the effort to not repeat the mistakes or adjust her behavior when she would get in new relationships but it never failed, her true self always came back and the replacement was gone in no time.

It's a dysfunctional relationship and there is one common factor... .BPD.  Because of this, the next relationship will be just as dysfunctional - it just takes time.  That's the main reason recycles never work... .the behavior may change in the short term but it's still the same person and the core will eventually always come through.

Spot on, well said.