Working Through The Decision Process

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I will be the only one on the loan. I am the only one with paid contributions to the marriage.

When I bought my first marital home with my pwBPD, I was the only one on the loan, but of course she was on the deed. This put me in a considerably WEAKER position, because she had claim to the house and could sell it from underneath me, claim rights to live in it, etc, etc, and I would still be the one "on the hook" for the mortgage. The bank would come after ME (and did, aggressively), and they said ":)addyBear Wife, who? Don't know her. Now pay!"

When we bought our second home, I made sure we were BOTH on the loan. Even though she had zero income and less-than-stellar credit, and we probably paid a little more in interest, at least we both know we're on the hook for the mortgage, and we'll BOTH get the calls and the certified letters and the door knocks next time.

I also bought him a car, so, within the first year, if I choose to divorce him, he really has little recourse.

Are there still payments due on the car? Do you plan on repossessing the car out from underneath him if you get a divorce? Or is that another thing that you'll keep paying for?


Please don't take any of this as a push one way or another - if I were in the same position again, to buy a new house, to sign for a car loan (and I've done both), I'd want to have thought a little more about the "really bad worst case scenarios" and relied a little less on the "I can just take care of it myself worst case and at least she'll have a house and a car"

And let me elaborate on that, too - I REALLY DO want her to have the house, if possible, if we get a divorce! And I am REALLY GLAD I bought her that car 5 years ago because now it's hers and she's all set.

But what lesson does that teach her about responsibility? When she gets things handed to her, it starts to become an expectation. All the "I'll try harder"s in the world don't make up for that implicit lesson that "... .but if I DON'T try harder, you'll still take care of it, so phew!"

[DaddyBear77]

I will be the only one on the loan. I am the only one with paid contributions to the marriage.

When I bought my first marital home with my pwBPD, I was the only one on the loan, but of course she was on the deed. This put me in a considerably WEAKER position, because she had claim to the house and could sell it from underneath me, claim rights to live in it, etc, etc, and I would still be the one "on the hook" for the mortgage. The bank would come after ME (and did, aggressively), and they said ":)addyBear Wife, who? Don't know her. Now pay!"

When we bought our second home, I made sure we were BOTH on the loan. Even though she had zero income and less-than-stellar credit, and we probably paid a little more in interest, at least we both know we're on the hook for the mortgage, and we'll BOTH get the calls and the certified letters and the door knocks next time.

I also bought him a car, so, within the first year, if I choose to divorce him, he really has little recourse.

Are there still payments due on the car? Do you plan on repossessing the car out from underneath him if you get a divorce? Or is that another thing that you'll keep paying for?


Please don't take any of this as a push one way or another - if I were in the same position again, to buy a new house, to sign for a car loan (and I've done both), I'd want to have thought a little more about the "really bad worst case scenarios" and relied a little less on the "I can just take care of it myself worst case and at least she'll have a house and a car"

And let me elaborate on that, too - I REALLY DO want her to have the house, if possible, if we get a divorce! And I am REALLY GLAD I bought her that car 5 years ago because now it's hers and she's all set.

But what lesson does that teach her about responsibility? When she gets things handed to her, it starts to become an expectation. All the "I'll try harder"s in the world don't make up for that implicit lesson that "... .but if I DON'T try harder, you'll still take care of it, so phew!"

[formflier]

Can you tell us more about "having" to leave the home you are at now?

How is it that he will be able to manage his behavior in the new house but not in the current house he is living in?  I understand that could be seen as an impolite question to ask him... .yet it is relevant.

So... .big picture.  Don't be afraid to negotiate and use power that you have to protect yourself.  You have a reason.

Before the house closes, you have something he wants (needs). 

There is nothing wrong with I'll sign over here (purchase and mortgage) if you will sign over here (post-nup or other contract).

Last thought:  Nothing to do with BPD... .buying a house under duress (a reason to move quickly) is something to be careful with.  There are several steps of due diligence in the process.  Know when you can back out of the contract.  Be deliberate about thinking each of those times through.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I own the car outright, I don't make payments on it. The only thing I make payments on for him is insurance.

[WitzEndWife]

Can you tell us more about "having" to leave the home you are at now?

No ifs, ands or buts about it, my parents cannot live with him anymore, and have asked us to leave. So, it's rent something I cannot afford, or buy a house that I can afford. And I DO want a house. I don't see why I should have to put my needs and desires aside just because I'm afraid of this thing going South.

Last thought:  Nothing to do with BPD... .buying a house under duress (a reason to move quickly) is something to be careful with.  There are several steps of due diligence in the process.  Know when you can back out of the contract.  Be deliberate about thinking each of those times through.

FF

I have a VERY good realtor, so she knows exactly how to navigate the process. She has 27 years in the business.

I really like the house and it's in a hot location, and the price is right. Pending everything working out well with inspections and insurance, we will close and be protected.

Regarding signing a contract with him, I would need a lawyer for that, which I cannot afford on top of the house buying. I'm squeezed as it is right now.

[flourdust]

Yeah, I think we all get that you want a house.

Without legal protection (provided by that attorney you say you can't afford), you're entering into a contract that can blow up in your face, leaving you with no house or being forced to sell this house and give him money from the sale or other, equally unpleasant scenarios that can wreck your financial situation.

A real-estate attorney who can provide contract language that will protect you from these scenarios costs a few hundred dollars. You can't tell me that you can afford to buy a house and not produce, save, or borrow a few hundred bucks for legal coverage! If you are THAT cash-poor, then you can't buy a house, anyway, because random fees and expenses will pop up in the process that will easily exceed that.

[formflier]

  I would need a lawyer for that, which I cannot afford on top of the house buying. I'm squeezed as it is right now.

How much would it cost?

Something to think about... .if you are wanting to buy an asset... .yet don't have money to purchase and protect the asset... .it's something to think about.

I would spend some time on the legal board reading cases where people "thought it would never happen to them" and ask them if they wish they would have protected themselves and avoiding FOG... .when they could.

I also used to think... "yes... .she is messed up, but she would never do xyz... ."  That thinking is gone now... . 

Last thought:  I would bet that you could do a simple post-nup for $300 or less... .  If the intent is to protect yourself from him going back on his word about the house.

FF

[formflier]

A real-estate attorney who can provide contract language that will protect you from these scenarios costs a few hundred dollars. You can't tell me that you can afford to buy a house and not produce, save, or borrow a few hundred bucks for legal coverage! If you are THAT cash-poor, then you can't buy a house, anyway, because random fees and expenses will pop up in the process that will easily exceed that.

I put my post in... without reading down to see Flourdust's post.  

Also... .remember this contract (post nup) does not "require" you to do xyz if your hubby looses a job, it protects you from HAVING to do things that you have never agreed to do and currently you think you never will do (or that your hubby will NEVER do to you).

So... .the reasoning is... that your hubby would be agreeing to do (in writing) what he has said he will do AND he will be agreeing in writing to NOT do what he is saying (and you are saying) he will never do.

It is likely that a pwBPD would try to FOG you by saying you don't trust them... etc etc etc... .don't fall for it.  This is business... pure and simple.  And... .you have relevant history of breaking deals (don't try to prove this to him... perhaps mention it once)  

I can't stress enough... .the order of things matters... .once you get to the point where he has what he wants... .it is likely his motivation level will revert to his past habits, unless something is different.

You control what can be different... .

Once the house is bought... you loose control.

This isn't about being nice... .it's about protecting the financial future of your family.

FF