2nd Go around

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So... .

This is my 2nd merry-go-round with a marriage/divorce with a BPD. This difference? I better understand the disorder and I truly love my current ex wife. My first marriage (we'll call her "M" lasted for almost 10 years before we separated. She had been unfaithful multiple times and continuously created no win situations. She was professionally diagnosed, and has continued treatment although she still acts in very BPD like ways that remind me how glad I am to be out of that relationship. She had a 3 yr old son when we first met and we ended up having two children. I love them all dearly and they are very resilient despite going through the divorce almost 8 years ago. When we separated, I ended up having the children during the week and they visited their mother on the weekends. During the separation, she didn't see them but once every two weeks or so because she was out enjoying her freedom. At that time it was the hardest thing I had experienced in my life. Part of me wanted to stay and I was so distraught at times that I had to make simple lists like "put his socks on, buckle the car seat, take him to daycare and get my daughter to shcool" just to get through the day. M is doing much better now and sees the kids on regular schedules - I'll get in to that later.

After about 2 months separated I was looking for someone closer to my home who could care for my son who was 3 at the time. I found a nice woman who was taking care of other kids the same age as my son during the day. I brought my son over and let him play for a while so I could see the dynamic of the environment. She had three children of her own, 9, 8 and 5 at the time. It felt good. The woman seemed very loving and intelligent. She was completing her online college degree and needed the extra income to continue. The price was very fair so I decided it was a good choice. I developed a friendship with the woman, we will call her "S" and we decided to go on a date. She was very charming, beautiful in a very unique way, very intelligent and was able to hold very good conversations. The day after our first date I called to ask if she had fun and that I would like to see her again. She said she had fun but she thought I was little short for her liking so she suggest I take her roommate out. I agreed and it was a mistake. Her roommate was nice, but something about her was off and I wasn't comfortable.

Even though "S" thought I was too short, our friendship developed further until we became involved intimately. I fell hard. Hard enough to feel like nothing else mattered in the world except being close to her. Even when we laid down together I almost felt like I couldn't get close enough. It was like I wanted to be a part of her, be enmeshed as one person. I was impressed with her tenacity and after hearing her many stories of past abuse (red flag) I wanted to treat her and take care of her. Can there be a more accurate description of codependency? She continued school and she would read books about human behaviors and emotional IQ. I thought that was very inspiring and I felt very safe. We continued to see each other and within a month we were telling each other we loved one another and started making plans for the future. I was renting a house with a roommate at the time and we were planning to move in together and get married when the lease was over. Her lease with her roommate was up in one month so they were looking for a house to rent in the meantime for a few months.

While we were seeing each other I began to notice things now and then that I thought were peculiar. Sudden mood shifts and very negative views of the world. Short bouts of depression and sadness. We still felt very close but there were a few times when things became difficult and she would break up with me. We would continue to talk every day and I would do something stupid and we would break up again. Her lease was about to expire in 1 week and her and her roommate had still not found a place. One night her roommate asked if she could watch her daughter for the evening while she went out on a date. S agreed and I was at their house while she was watching her. I believe she was not even 1 year old yet (as I look back I see how dysfunctional everything actually was at the time). The baby began to get fussy and S was getting frustrated. I'm not sure if this was actually happening but I remember thinking that S was kind of egging on the crying of the poor baby. She tried to call the roommate but she was not answering. She went dancing so she may have not heard her phone. S became very agitated and in turn the baby's reaction would escalate. Eventually the roommate came home and the fireworks began. It was like there was years of pent up anger and resentment between the two. C**t words and a slew of other derogatory insults. Needless to say the friendship ended. S now had to find a place to live for her and her children.

This part of the story conflicts me and brings upon guilt, shame and sadness when I think about it. I wanted her and the kids to move in with me but it had only been 6 months since M and I were separated, and my kids (besides my son who was being watched) had limited interactions with her and her kids so I was not comfortable in bringing them in while I still had a roommate and knowing my kids were not ready for all of them to move in.  As I write this I see how I put myself into this situation. I did not give myself the time to heal from my first relationship and I did things I am so embarrassed of now. S had other options to find a place to live and she decided to move to another neighboring state to live with her mother and stepdad. She did not have the greatest relationship with her mom so she was reluctant to do so. She ended up moving. We continued to see each other and there is so much more to the story that I will have to continue in another post.

I have been on this support group before during my previous marriage and I found tremendous support here. I need to continue my story, it is helping me see things from the outside and from and introspective way that feels somewhat out of the "fog". Thank you for reading thus far and I hope to continue soon. I have participated in behaviors that I am ashamed of and I am in a terrible place right now.

J

[Jerchill1975]

So... .

This is my 2nd merry-go-round with a marriage/divorce with a BPD. This difference? I better understand the disorder and I truly love my current ex wife. My first marriage (we'll call her "M" lasted for almost 10 years before we separated. She had been unfaithful multiple times and continuously created no win situations. She was professionally diagnosed, and has continued treatment although she still acts in very BPD like ways that remind me how glad I am to be out of that relationship. She had a 3 yr old son when we first met and we ended up having two children. I love them all dearly and they are very resilient despite going through the divorce almost 8 years ago. When we separated, I ended up having the children during the week and they visited their mother on the weekends. During the separation, she didn't see them but once every two weeks or so because she was out enjoying her freedom. At that time it was the hardest thing I had experienced in my life. Part of me wanted to stay and I was so distraught at times that I had to make simple lists like "put his socks on, buckle the car seat, take him to daycare and get my daughter to shcool" just to get through the day. M is doing much better now and sees the kids on regular schedules - I'll get in to that later.

After about 2 months separated I was looking for someone closer to my home who could care for my son who was 3 at the time. I found a nice woman who was taking care of other kids the same age as my son during the day. I brought my son over and let him play for a while so I could see the dynamic of the environment. She had three children of her own, 9, 8 and 5 at the time. It felt good. The woman seemed very loving and intelligent. She was completing her online college degree and needed the extra income to continue. The price was very fair so I decided it was a good choice. I developed a friendship with the woman, we will call her "S" and we decided to go on a date. She was very charming, beautiful in a very unique way, very intelligent and was able to hold very good conversations. The day after our first date I called to ask if she had fun and that I would like to see her again. She said she had fun but she thought I was little short for her liking so she suggest I take her roommate out. I agreed and it was a mistake. Her roommate was nice, but something about her was off and I wasn't comfortable.

Even though "S" thought I was too short, our friendship developed further until we became involved intimately. I fell hard. Hard enough to feel like nothing else mattered in the world except being close to her. Even when we laid down together I almost felt like I couldn't get close enough. It was like I wanted to be a part of her, be enmeshed as one person. I was impressed with her tenacity and after hearing her many stories of past abuse (red flag) I wanted to treat her and take care of her. Can there be a more accurate description of codependency? She continued school and she would read books about human behaviors and emotional IQ. I thought that was very inspiring and I felt very safe. We continued to see each other and within a month we were telling each other we loved one another and started making plans for the future. I was renting a house with a roommate at the time and we were planning to move in together and get married when the lease was over. Her lease with her roommate was up in one month so they were looking for a house to rent in the meantime for a few months.

While we were seeing each other I began to notice things now and then that I thought were peculiar. Sudden mood shifts and very negative views of the world. Short bouts of depression and sadness. We still felt very close but there were a few times when things became difficult and she would break up with me. We would continue to talk every day and I would do something stupid and we would break up again. Her lease was about to expire in 1 week and her and her roommate had still not found a place. One night her roommate asked if she could watch her daughter for the evening while she went out on a date. S agreed and I was at their house while she was watching her. I believe she was not even 1 year old yet (as I look back I see how dysfunctional everything actually was at the time). The baby began to get fussy and S was getting frustrated. I'm not sure if this was actually happening but I remember thinking that S was kind of egging on the crying of the poor baby. She tried to call the roommate but she was not answering. She went dancing so she may have not heard her phone. S became very agitated and in turn the baby's reaction would escalate. Eventually the roommate came home and the fireworks began. It was like there was years of pent up anger and resentment between the two. C**t words and a slew of other derogatory insults. Needless to say the friendship ended. S now had to find a place to live for her and her children.

This part of the story conflicts me and brings upon guilt, shame and sadness when I think about it. I wanted her and the kids to move in with me but it had only been 6 months since M and I were separated, and my kids (besides my son who was being watched) had limited interactions with her and her kids so I was not comfortable in bringing them in while I still had a roommate and knowing my kids were not ready for all of them to move in.  As I write this I see how I put myself into this situation. I did not give myself the time to heal from my first relationship and I did things I am so embarrassed of now. S had other options to find a place to live and she decided to move to another neighboring state to live with her mother and stepdad. She did not have the greatest relationship with her mom so she was reluctant to do so. She ended up moving. We continued to see each other and there is so much more to the story that I will have to continue in another post.

I have been on this support group before during my previous marriage and I found tremendous support here. I need to continue my story, it is helping me see things from the outside and from and introspective way that feels somewhat out of the "fog". Thank you for reading thus far and I hope to continue soon. I have participated in behaviors that I am ashamed of and I am in a terrible place right now.

J

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jerchill1975,



Welcome back to bpdfamily. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I'm glad you reached out. It sounds like things have worked out relatively well with regard to your divorce. That is something to feel good about. You undoubtedly learned from it, even though you find yourself in a similar kind of relationship.

Are you still involved with S? What is the situation now?

Let us know how you are getting on since her move out of state. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Jerchill1975]

Back to the story... .

So "S" stayed with her mom and stepdad for a while. They had a small travel trailer set up in their back yard that they were able to stay in. Needless to say, the arrangement was not comfortable for "S". We continued to talk and skype every day, making future plans and missing each other terribly. During this time I was still i the middle of the divorce with my first ex. (I know, I have no business getting involved with someone while I was still legally married).After about 3 months, she decided to move across two states passing through the state I live in. She stayed with me for a couple days and I stored some of her things in my garage. I helped her move and I stayed a few days with her in her new place. The ultimate goal was for me to divorce and move to her new state with my kids where we could live together and work on our dreams and goals. My divorce did not go as planned. I wanted full custody and was granted joint. I was not allowed to move out of state and while I wanted to, I also felt it wasn't fair for my first ex to not have her children available to her. "S" was very upset and we split up a few times, but just for a day or two. She finally decided that she would have to move back to my state when my lease was over with my roommate. That happened in June of 2010. We stayed in the same home and began to blend our family. This was not an easy thing to do. It's especially not easy to do when you have an ex with BPD and are in the middle of an intense relationship with another (possible BPD). Things proceeded and we married in October of 2010.

At first everything was wonderful. Our love continued to blossom and I was soo happy and in love. During my first marriage, I engaged in viewing pornography 2-3 times per week. My first ex was aware of it and often encouraged it. Even though I didn't think too much of it at the time, I felt ashamed when I would use it. I continued to look at it during my marriage with "S". She asked me about it and she wanted to talk about it but my shame and guilt caused me to lie about it. She continued to ask and I would continue to lie. This is a horrible thing to do. I was deceiving her. I was hiding it and she was being completely honest with me about everything. Later in this story I will go into this deeper.

After about 2 years, her moods had become increasingly unstable. Things I didn't notice before began to come to the forefront. Sometimes extreme depression leading to manic behavior and sometimes rage. I thought it might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist and look into some medications. She did follow through and it seemed to help for a while. During this time I continued to deceive her. Soon we found out that her daughter had been inappropriately touched when she was younger by a relative. "S" took it terribly. She went in to a frenzy of emotions front anger to guilt to sadness and all over again. Things started a definite downhill direction from this point on. I will continue in another post. I'm sure many of you are thinking "What the hell is your problem? Can't you see your deception is causing this, not BPD?" I get it. I will continue this as soon as I get another chance. The only safe place for me to post is at work right now, so I apologize for the "pieces".

Thank you and I will continue soon... .


J

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jerchill1975,

That's a lot going on. As you can see, members are reading along. 

heartandwhole