My Mother and BPD

[LPMoritz]

Hi!
So I don't really know how to start this. English is my second language, just to let you guys know.
I grew up in a family that seemed perfect from the outside, the youngest of three daugthers, dad's a doctor, mum's a nurse.
We always had money to travel, for presents, always dressed well and well behaved in public.
My dad worked a lot so I barely saw him when I was younger.
My mum was overwhelmed raising three girls basically by herself, which is still often used as an ecuse for her behavior. She never really hit my oldest sister, N, but she broke under the pressure of having to be perfect. She never rebelled against my mother and is now a 30-year-old anorexic woman who is deeply unhappy and also behaves very regressiv. I love her, she has a sweet soul, but it is also exhausting for me to spend time with her.

I should probably start at saying that my mother was very physically abusive. To me and my sister A, mostly. She would hardly leave marks, and sometimes I wanted her to just to have some proof. Since my dad was never there I guess he went in denial. He never helped us.
I remember my sister saying that I shouldn't cry because it seemed to make her even more angry. We always thought it was our fault and that her behavior was normal.

It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't. I became a teenager and she didn't touch me anymore, but then her emotional abuse got stronger. She raged for no reason, she called me terrible names. I never felt like I had a parent I could talk to. My dad looked away, and my mum saw every flaw as a weakness.

Luckily, I always had really great friends and got to spend time with their families. It is what helped me through.

Now that I'm an adult, my parents act like we are a perfect family. Now that my sister is obviously sick they both look away again. I have distanced myself enough from my mum (through therapy) to somehow keep it together, but I am so angry at them for leaving me alone with this again. I became a psychologist, which is why they now expect me to help my sister.

I feel lost and sometimes I am so scared to end up like my mother. I am scared to lose my sister. And I am tired of being strong and holding back. It is so hard for me to act in a family I seemingly don't belong to. I can't keep it in anymore. I want them to take responsibility for what they did, and also, for what they haven't done.

All these years I battled with guilt, emotional blackmail and sadness. I went back and forth trying to stay in touch with my parents and distancing myself completely. Sometimes I realize how bad the situation really is but I mostly go back to telling myself that it isn't so bad. But other sister is in denial completely, she said she doesn't want to talk about things that happened a long time ago.

The problem is that the abuse is still happening. To all of us. My mother is such a perfect actor when it comes to getting what she wants. She gives me guilty feelings so easily. She will rage and say horrible things, then act like nothing every happened and try to buy my love.

She also always used money as a tool to keep me close to her. When I went to college, she constantly pressured me and made me feel like I had no time and my chosen mature was pointless. Then at graduation she would proudly stand there with tears in her eyes.

I started reading "Stop walking on eggshells" and it got me here. I am just exhausted and I am looking for some kind of understanding. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one in this family who is crazy, who is exaggerating. I am scared because they always told me I was super sensitive whenever I wanted to talk about what happened.

Thanks for listening/reading.

[Kwamina]

Hi LPMoritz,

I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood with your mother and now find yourself struggling in your adult life. Healing from such experiences can be quite difficult and having a support network can really help then. You mention having had therapy, how long ago was that? Are you currently perhaps still seeing a therapist?

I started reading "Stop walking on eggshells" and it got me here. I am just exhausted and I am looking for some kind of understanding. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one in this family who is crazy, who is exaggerating. I am scared because they always told me I was super sensitive whenever I wanted to talk about what happened.

I am glad you are educating yourself about this disorder. I have found that a greater understanding of BPD does help determine how best to move forward and what strategies to use with my disordered family-members.

The role your dad played, or in fact didn't play, is also very sad. Reading many posts of other members, I have seen this often that the other parent retreats into some sort of denial and/or chooses to look the other way. Your mother was very abusive, yet your father clearly also played a very important part by not taking action against your mother. How would you describe the relationship you currently have with your dad? Has he ever acknowledged that there is something wrong with your mother's behavior and his own part in all of this?

When you grow up in such an environment and are constantly confronted with distortions of reality, it can be very easy for a child to start questioning whether they themselves might actually be the problem. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother and found her behavior very confusing and it indeed made me question myself and also my own perception of reality. Looking back now I realize that my mother's behavior stemmed from her distorted thinking and distorted perception of reality, yet having lived in that environment for so long definitely has affected me also in my adult live. As you get started here I encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[losthero]

You are not acting crazy.  You are tired of acting. Acting like she didn't saw or mean what she said. Acting like you are okay with being treared like that. Acting like its normal for parents to emotionnaly hurt you.  You have done enough training and inner work to realize that its unkind what she does to you and your sisters, no matter what the reason you are growing and your budding self esteem is screaming inside that you are betraying yourself when you "act" like her behavior is okay.  Somone said once "to thine ownself be true".  You are self aware now and understand on some level that pretending that what your mom says or does is okay with you is denying your own pain.  Your self worth.  Hard to pretend anymore.  Hard to keep excusing them and running back for more pain when they show no insight or care to change their behaviors.   I recently went no contact with my mom after years of not being kind or true to myself.  I could change or save her. I had to save myself.    Be kind to yourself.