daughter18 currently at residential treatment program

[sheepshead59]

Hello:
I am seeking comments from this group who have had their children in residential treatment successfully transition back home or off to college or work. I am soo worried about this next step and am just seeking support around this. My daughter will be finishing her high school at the program and hopes to take a gap year which I am very conflicted about. looking for any feedback... .How have others dealt with this, etc, etc

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi sheepshead59, *Hi*‎



I'd like to welcome you to the family. I'm glad that you decided to join us, many members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. Although I don't have a child w/ BPD, I have an ex wife with BPD traits, i'm sure somebody else on this board has gone through a similar experience. I just wanted to tell you that I understand the anxiety and worry when you have a pwBPD in your life and it helps to talk to others when there are BPD things going on in your life, it helps to keep you grounded. You're not alone.


PS The lessons are on the right side of the board‎ 

[gotbushels]

Hi sheepshead59 

I welcome you with Mutt.   

It's brave of you to go have your daughter go through residential treatment. There's often a lot of uncertainty involved. It's not easy to deal with that uncertainty. How are you looking out for you right now? Will you share more about this worry you feel? How is your own support network?

[wendydarling]

Hi sheepshead59

I welcome you with Mutt and gotbushels.  While I have no experience of transition from residential to school or work my 28DD completes one year of DBT outpatients shortly and I too wonder what's ahead as she chose to not work since Xmas to focus on her recovery.

I understand it's a worry time, is the programme offering in-home support to your DD and family as part of the transition?

Can you share why you feel conflicted about your DD wishing to take a gap year, is she doing this to find her feet, she's unsure of her direction?

WDx

[August93]

Hi Sheepshead59,
I experienced this last year with my BPDd18.  Was in residential for 10 months up until her graduation.  I too was very, very nervous bringing her home as she was in/out the hospital/residential for 15 months.   I believe my mistake after discharge was that I may have pushed her to quickly.  She was back with her therapist whom she loves and found a new psychiatrist since she was now considered an adult.  I wanted her to find a job and take driver's ed - the two things she had a lot of anxiety about.  I took college off the table (another source of pressure and anxiety).  She managed to get her old job back which she was excited about. However, within a week the anxiety of it all came back and along with other emotions she was feeling at the moment she was back in the ER.  It was a rocky few weeks between that and seeing her 2 friends leave for college.  But she survived it.  Since then she attends weekly therapy and group DPT and sees her dr every 3 weeks.  I pushed again for the license which she finally got recently and she does like the independence.  Her therapist talked her into taking a few online college classes.  This was a surprise to me when she showed an interest.  I worked with her slowly and she is doing very well (I think and hope).  She spends a lot of time at home and in bed.  I worry.  She does need a job but I am so scared to go there with her but eventually the money flow will have to stop and she knows it.  My daughter is a quite BPD.  She is not aggressive or manipulative and she hates conflict.  Her depression and anxiety were always hidden from me.  But she has been through hell which I am sure we all here are familiar with.  She has no goals at the moment and we joke about it.  It's the way I validate.  I just hope one day she will have a goal and can achieve it.
So what I would suggest is to accept her decision for a gap year.  She missed a crucial part of her high school years - at least that is how I look at it with my d18.  Her therapist just told me last week that her decisions need to come from her and rather than sticking her whole foot in the water, my d18 has to start with a toe - very, very slow.
Good luck!

[Jae]

Hi Sheepshead59, i went through this with my daughter who is now about to turn 19.  Her RTC was very helpful in getting her on the path to emotional stability but she needed a lot more maturity after turning 18, though she did voluntarily stay in the program past her high school graduation--which was a huge step for her.  We were convinced she should not be on her own (her desire as an "adult' nor stay with us as we would be unable to successfully give her the support and structure she needs.  We investigated gap year programs and "transition" programs.  Most gap year programs won't take kids until they have been out of a therapeutic environment for a year--and we were concerned about some of them and the degrees of freedom in overseas locations for a young woman who still didn't always make safe choices.  She is coming up on a year in her program that has helped hold boundaries, as well as give her feedback on actions and relationships and we are happy with her progress.  if you have the financial resources I recommend some sort of transition program.  It can be hard to have her in another place and not home, and sometimes it feels better to have her at another place and not home!  Our relationship continues to improve as she matures.  Another friend from her RTC, who is more able to work within structure and academic settings has attended a different program focused on giving young adults a hand with preparation for college.  She is doing well and will be entering a traditional college in the fall.  My sense is that the girls who have been in residential need some sort of step down/intermediate process because the difference in the environments is too great--all structure to very little.  We used an educational consultant to find places but ended up with a program i found on line that she also knew and recommended.  Searching for "troubled young adult" or young adult transition program works pretty well.  But there are multiple flavors and a wide range of philosophies and approaches and focus for the  programs--which you can really only tell by visiting and interacting with the kids who are there. Best of luck to you and your family.