Mother With BPD

[AudioGuy]

Hello,
I am posting to get out some of my frustrations.
I grew up with a mother who has BPD and is also bipolar.
I only really recently learned that this is the cause of some of the very strange behavior I had observed over the course of my life.
My parents were divorced when I was about 7 due to my mom's condition.
Now being 21 I now really understand what my dad went through and why they got a divorce.
My Dad tried to reconcile the marriage and to go to couple's counseling, but my mother refused.
She lived in the house for almost 3 months basically just living with no romantic or emotional contact to my Dad. He had finally decided to file for divorce.
I spent the next 7 years of my life visiting my mom on weekends.
She would move from house, to car, to RV. It was never a stable situation.
She refused to work in the trade she was good at (hair cutting) and stuck to cleaning houses in order to make a little bit of money. As a kid it was hard visiting her and not knowing where I would be sleeping or if she could afford to feed me. At 14 I decided I didn't want to see my mom on the weekends. That lead to the response of "why don't you love me anymore" and "Your family is turning you against me". It hurt and I had no idea why that was the response. When I was 19 my mom and I started talking more and we seemed to have amended our relationship. It all seemed good until my fiancée and I started planning our wedding. My mom began to respond in odd ways again.
She was offended at my fiancée's bridal shower because she wasn't introduced in front of all the guests as the mother of the groom. She did not socialize or really seem to enjoy being at the event.
My step mother was there celebrating as well. My step-mom it has always been an issue with my mother.
My mom has made me feel guilty for "replacing" her with another mom. One small offense after another and my mom finally decided to text me and tell me she wasn't coming to the wedding. This was a very hard thing to hear but it is almost a relief (as terrible as the sounds). It was a relief because it should be a day about celebrating me and bride to be. It feels like most situations when my mother is involved it is about her and how she feels. It's about how something someone did or didn't do offended her.
I am just at a point where I don't really know what to do. My fiancée and I both want her to get help and get better. She refuses to see that she struggles with BPD. We are scared that the rest of our lives will be a constant guilt trip from her. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waking up to laundry list text messages of what I or other people have done to her.

[gotbushels]

Hi AudioGuy   

I welcome you here.

I only really recently learned that this is the cause of some of the very strange behavior I had observed over the course of my life.

When I realised that the person I was in a relationship with could have a significant disorder, it was a big ah-ha moment even though the ah-ha came much later. I know it's an odd thing to say, but if your mother received a diagnosis, you're ahead of the curve because some people spend a lot of time figuring out that there's something clinical about a person in their lives. The not knowing makes things much more difficult.

Now being 21 I now really understand what my dad went through and why they got a divorce.

Sometimes when we look at what it might be like to live with a pwBPD, we understand the pwBPD partner's (your dad) struggles.

My Dad tried to reconcile the marriage and to go to couple's counseling, but my mother refused.

Sometimes high-functioning pwBPDs know enough to make life just comfortable enough, but don't know enough to acknowledge that there's a problem serious enough to go into counselling.

She lived in the house for almost 3 months basically just living with no romantic or emotional contact to my Dad. He had finally decided to file for divorce.
I spent the next 7 years of my life visiting my mom on weekends.

Fragmented families can often happen when the mother has BPD. You might not see it now, but sometimes the fragments are a way for the other family members to go toward a stable existence. Separation can thus be a good thing.

As a kid it was hard visiting her and not knowing where I would be sleeping or if she could afford to feed me.

I'm not you, but I do appreciate what this could be like. As a child, you actually had a very real right to have your physical needs met.

At 14 I decided I didn't want to see my mom on the weekends.

Sometimes, the young adult enforcing little points of separation from the BPDm's issues is a good thing. I think it does the family good to talk about these things in response to this intention by the young adult.

That lead to the response of "why don't you love me anymore" and "Your family is turning you against me".

I see this as an aggressive and retaliatory response. I got this the pwBPDso in my life. I got both of these sentences, heaps of times.

It hurt and I had no idea why that was the response.

As a young person going through this sort of thing, it will hurt. I understand that. I also know this not knowing why. I appreciate that—it made me hurt even more. The not knowing hurts and we have no place to go to figure out why that is. Young people are even more vulnerable because they aren't in a position to figure it out.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life waking up to laundry list text messages of what I or other people have done to her.

You don't have to spend the rest of your life feeling this baseline guilt. I encourage you to keep working at this, and I feel you're on the right track. While my own struggle was with a pwBPD partner—many of the ways of handling a pwBPD apply directly to pwBPDm's.

I look forward to your forthcoming peace of mind. You didn't ask for these issues.

[ProudVeggie]

Hi AudioGuy

Your situation sounds quite a bit similar to mine. My parents divorced when I was young, and I never thought about my mother having BPD until recently when my therapist mentioned she sounded like a classic case. The guilt-tripping and random emotional outbursts made me feel like I was somehow letting her down. When I told her I only wanted to live with my dad, she refused to acknowledge my existence for over a month when I was 11. And said the exact same things yours said to you.

It's a long process, but I've found it really helped me when I started to set boundaries. My mom is an alcoholic, so I've set a limit to not answer the phone past 6:30 or so, or just respond with a text saying I'm busy and can't get back to her yet. And I've tried to just limit my interactions with her slowly but surely. Sadly, though, they have to seek out help on their own. There's nothing we can do to change them and it isn't our responsibility to do so. Yes it hurts, and we want to have a relationship with the normal sides of them, but it's best for us to keep ourselves healthy. I have it easier because my therapist recommended I confront her about her alcoholism first when I'm able to do so, which would inevitably lead to her realizing she has BPD.

One thing to keep in mind, though, is that BPD is something they can't help. They do what they do genuinely because they think everyone is out to get them and can't understand why. That was hard for me to accept, but it just means that there's nothing we can do personally or that we should feel responsible for besides doing what's best for us and voicing our concerns to them and keeping distance.

It's a long process, but I wish you the best of luck

Veggie

[AudioGuy]

Hey Guys,
Thank you for the encouraging responses.
I spoke to my grandfather and simply asked if he had heard that my mother decided not to come to the wedding.
He mentioned that he had talked to her about it and that he thinks she will come anyway. This was encouraging at best but my mother texted me a few days later.
Her message read, ":)o not stir things up with my Father. Stay out of my life."
This was of course very disheartening. I know that it is the BPD speaking and not my mothers true heart but it just puts me in a really difficult spot. I know that I have to still plan as if she is going to show up because if she shows up un-announced and there isn't a seat saved for her it will be my fault. I have had no desire to pick out a song for the mother son dance because I feel like all of the lyrics are about someone completely different. I am nervous that she will show up and cause a scene. My focus is on being excited and having a wonderful day to celebrate. It just creeps in the back of my mind that I may possibly have to tell my own mother to leave my wedding if she decides to cause a scene.
-AudioGuy

[ijustwantpeace]

Audioguy,

It starts with believing in your heart of hearts that you deserve happiness as much as any other creator on the face of this planet, and what that means in plain terms is choosing yourself over your mother.

You are not her parent, it is not your job to parent her, heal her, restore your broken emotions or personality.  The best thing you can do is to move far, far away and live a happy life.

I don't know of anyone who went from having a miserable life with BPD relatives to a happy one without moving away.  It is the best thing you can do for yourself and your mother.

Your absence could cause her to reflect on your words and get the treatment she needs.  Otherwise you will just be her "emotional supply".  That is no way to live.

You think the announcement of mother of the groom is bad wait until she keeps chipping away at your marriage until you find yourself in divorce.

I have a cousin and said to her you need to take your BPD dad because he is showing up at my house with his craziness, and her response was "I will end up divorced".

There is going to be guilt no matter what with a BPD.  Be smart and choose the guilt that will make you happy for the rest of your life.

Choose yourself.

[GaGrl]

Several people on this forum have had to anticipate difficulties with BPD relatives at weddings.  One of the suggestions has been to find someone ( a cousin, uncle, trusted friend) who will monitor the situation and remove the relative discretely should trouble begin.  The more serious solutions has been to actually hire a security person who is present in case of escalation.

[AudioGuy]

Thank you guys.
We are thankfully moving away.
I am not and have never really been or tried to be an emotional supply to my mom, Thankfully.
Gagrl, That is a really great point and I will make sure to have some dedicated people who can keep an eye on her.
-AudioGuy

[gotbushels]

Several people on this forum have had to anticipate difficulties with BPD relatives at weddings.

I support this suggestion to you AudioGuy. If the day is important to the two of you and your mother is still in your life, it's important to have some kind of preparation for it. Even if it doesn't happen, it will help the two of you to enjoy your day by knowing there's a contingency plan. A wedding is one of the most important days in the lives of the married couple. There is the adjacent importance of your religious figure, as well as the couple's other priorities. Therefore, other people can be looked at as secondary. Having some idea of how to handle an unusual person around the day will give you the comfort that she won't upstage it in some undesirable way.

One of the issues adult children of pwBPDs face is dealing with a mother that is not normal. Most people can be expected to know not to cause difficulty to the wedding couple. I encourage you to ask if it's reasonable to expect her to be "normal" on a day when you want to minimise problems.

Sometimes, pwBPDs use events important to other people to get more attention or to get what they want. Sometimes, they will use their behaviours to snag people into working upon what they want. This doesn't have to be deliberately malicious, but it's important to prudently recall the results of behaviours too.

[AudioGuy]

Well,
I texted my mom to get a final answer on whether she or not she was going to attend.
Her response was as follows. ":)o you not respect or believe the words I say or decisions I make? These are not mere manipulations. To ask me again is to assume I am just having a tantrum or something."
My response to her was:
"I will take this as a no. If this is your final decision then we will not plan as if you are going to be there."
It is somewhat a sigh of relief that I will not have to worry about any interruptions or problems.
I know that this is a decision she will regret for the rest of her life, and being BPD will probably figure out how to make it my fault.
Today I am at peace. I am saddened by her decision, but I am glad that I don't have to tiptoe at my own wedding.
My mother had a fear that once I was married I would not be a part of her life anymore.
Unfortunately, that fear will become a reality for her, not by my choice but by her own.
-AudioGuy

[AudioGuy]

I returned from my honeymoon with my wife and I received about 15 text messages from my mother. She tore me apart and degraded my character. Calling me all sorts of names and accusing me of things. My response was "Mom, I'm going to have to cut this off." and I had to block my moms calls and texts. I can no longer allow this negativity into my life, especially now that I am married. She still has my mailing address if she needs to get ahold of me in emergencies. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if mail starts showing up.
-AudioGuy

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Audioguy:   

Congrats on the wedding!

Good for you for setting a boundary and blocking her.     Good boundary setting and enforcement will lead to a successful marriage for you. 

Hang in there. 

[LittleBlueTruck]

I'm also coming to a late realization that all the strange behavior was BPD - except I'm a few years older than you.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I am sure your marriage will be a happy one. One of the grim benefits of having dysfunctional parents is that it can really cause you to rapidly mature.

Congratulations to you and your wife and I truly wish you the best and that you can build a happy and stable family.

[gotbushels]

Yes! Congrats on the wedding. Good job with the boundary enforcement too!

You are not her parent, it is not your job to parent her (... .)

[Highlander]

A big congrats on your wedding! 

Honestly, it looks like you may have dodged a bullet probably heading for your wife here.  You're mother sounds just like my MIL. 

Throughout my husbands life she played these manipulative games with him but as soon as he met me, he, like you began to stick up for himself in order to stop the dysfunction that now affects your wife.  Unlike you, he didn't even know what BPD was and that his mother had it.  Her behavior around our engagement and subsequent marriage made him highly confused - at least you are not.

Her blame games turned from her son being a problem to her son being an angel but her daughter in law (me) must have turned him against her!

If your mother is anything like my MIL, your mother's negative energy and ___ing to family and friends will likely soon move towards the fault being your wife's. 

You're wife is lucky to have you because you did not enable your mother's irrational behaviour at your wife's bridal shower (no doubt it was a dig at your wife for not introducing her the 'correct' way!), your mother would have likely continued with her attacks on your wife throughout your marriage, placing herself right in the middle of your relationship.

I mean what did she want from you as a result?  Likely to reprimand your wife asking her to give her an apology?  I know.  I've been there.  My poor husband was consistently placed in the situation whereby he had approached me to tell me that his mother had told him that I had offended her.  And why? Because she believed I had said her real name more than 'Mum' more often than I usually had been!  This left me unsure of what to say around her thus making me more and more uncomfortable as time rolled on.  Then I was attacked for being distant and aloof! 

My dear husband has now realised this and although she does have our number, it has been re-named in his phone "WARNING - My mother" so he can ignore it as he has decided he wants no contact with her but we have discussed getting a new number so any future contact could only be via post.