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Author Topic: Friends  (Read 395 times)
Blinkinight

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: April 23, 2017, 07:47:01 AM »

So I am at the beginning of a trial here (as in trial and tribulations)... .I'll summarize my story first (and believe me I usually write books! But I'm still feeling a bit overwhelmed with the situation/reaching out/all the info/this site, etc). 33 year old female here.  Narcissistic abuse from narc/BPD mom growing up along with school bullying, scapegoat child, father an alcoholic. Experienced one domestic violence relationship with a person with NPD which I escaped after being held at gun point. Found my night and shining armor and recently re-married, hubs has BPD! Just starting to see all that clearly... .therapist agrees... .sigh.

I don't have any friends really, at least any I can talk to who will understand. I'm afraid to let anyone into my brain and what's going on less they judge and it wounds me further. Has anyone found really good support and friends here?

How did you digest this site and Randi Krieger's books first? I just finished reading her latest one and it was so packed with info I think I'm gonna start reading again. Married now 5 months. Rollercoaster.
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DaddyBear77
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 625



« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2017, 04:02:47 PM »

Hello Blinkinight! Welcome! 

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation and all the really difficult things you've had to deal with for so long. It's so hard making that realization that another relationship partner has traits of BPD. So many of us here have found ourselves leaving one relationship only to find ourselves in another with similar issues.

I also have been very isolated from friends and family, but this site has helped tremendously.

Regarding Randi's book, I've read it about a dozen times. The best thing I've found is taking it in order a couple of times, and then revisit parts that really resonate.

What parts of the book resonate most with you? What are the biggest issues you're struggling with? You'll find people here who have been there done that.

I look forward to hearing more soon, and again, welcome to the site!
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BeagleGirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 570



« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2017, 05:04:05 PM »

Welcome. Where the circumstances that have brought you to this site sadden me, I am glad you found it. I'm relatively new here too, but this site has definitely been a Godsend. Just knowing that others have gone/are going through what you are going through (and lived to tell about it) can be a tremendous source of comfort. There is also a huge wealth of knowledge and experience among those on the site and I learn something every time I read a post.

As great as this site is, and as supportive and informative as the community is, I do think that it's wise to try to establish/reestablish some face to face relationships. Virtual communities have their limitations, and one of the tools that abusers use is isolation.

Since I started to accept that my marriage was abusive and then got the BPD/DPD diagnosis for my husband I have started to categorize my relationships into "safe"/"unsafe" and "nurturing"/"draining" when it comes to discussing my relationship with my husband. Of course there are broad spectrums for each of those categories, and there is a whole contingent of relationships that are still (and may always be) "unknown". There has to be a level of vulnerability to even find out is a relationship is safe, and that's not something I'm as willing to offer up.

That said, I don't know what I want do without those safe and nurturing friends that I can call night or day. Most of them don't "know" BPD, and that's where this site fills a huge gap, but they know ME on a level that is nearly impossible in an online forum format. It took a lot for me to reveal my circumstances to anyone, and it hasn't gotten easier to do so. I have been deeply wounded by discovering that my parents fall into the "unsafe" category, but I have also learned that there were some really special people that I only had a surface relationship with until they picked up on the pain I was really trying to hide and offered sincere care and support.  I believe that God orchestrated those moments.

Do you have anyone in your life that you think might be a safe person?  Siblings, or friends that you may have drifted away from but found trustworthy in the past?
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Blinkinight

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2017, 06:20:04 AM »

No I don't really have any friends. It's always been hard for me to make friends as I think I see now that growing up in a family so dysfunctional made me vulnerable also to bullying at an early age. When I was with the NPD abuser (in a different state) I finally found and became a part of a really welcoming and awesome community, and I don't think I would have been able to leave if it had not been for their support.

Fast forward, when I had to leave that extremely volatile situation I ran 2,000 miles away to my home state. Now I am closer to the financial support of family (mother with NPD and BPD) but don't have any emotional support. I met my now hubs 7 months after getting here and it's now been 2 1/2 years.

Complicating matters I now have developed a chronic illness that came on just a few months of meeting my husband. I am now starting a bit to get the right treatments for it that are working but was extremely low energy and in pain a lot for awhile, going through treatments that gave me bad side effects.

I am just now trying to go out and meet people but it's tough trying to find the right people, especially when I have all this turmoil going on inside. I guess I'm just asking if there is hope that it will eventually happen for me?

I do have a therapist and am also in the midst of trying to heal from complex ptsd. I find a lot of my new hubs behaviors very triggering and am trying to put an imaginary plexiglass wall between us to get some breathing room... .

Sigh, It's hard finding the courage to keep putting myself back out there. So many people my age have kids (30s) while I am child-free and I'm not into the bar scene at all. I'm also very intellectual and agnostic, I've tried a local UU church but it's big and doesn't feel like the community I found at the one before.

I am trying meetup.com and am going on a retreat this weekend so hopefully I meet people there... .and hopefulily I can tame the impulse to gallop full speed at them saying: BE MY FRIEND! Lol.

And to answer Daddybear77, I am just starting to reread now. I'll answer that question when I have a bit more quiet time to think on the matter. Thanks to you both.
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