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Lovingmywife

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: April 23, 2017, 09:13:57 AM »

Not only am I new online support groups and this type of forum, just Friday was I introduced by my therapist that my wife might be dealing with BPD.  I am in therapy at the bequest of my wife because she feels that my personal issues are causing her issues. I wrote a letter to myself to read to my therapist because I was having trouble explaining our relationship. I said that our relationship was tumultuous like a roller-coaster and that I felt like I was walking on eggshells all of the time. One day my wife thinks I'm the greatest thing that's ever happened to her in every way and the next day Im the reason that she wants to kill herself. she has made several threats and 2 attempts since we've been together over the last two years and was recently Baker acted. She is not actively receiving therapy as she believes that it's my fault and something I need to work on. It's hard to put all of this together because when things are great they are so incredibly great but when they're bad I feel so hopeless and lost and confused and alone. It is nice to see that I am not alone and that it's probably not me and that there might be hope for us because sometimes I don't feel that there is but I also believe that I made a vow For Better or For Worse and God knows I love my wife so much, but sometimes it's hard and I'm frustrated and I get angry and I just don't understand. So here I am.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2017, 12:20:14 PM »

Hello and welcome. You aren't alone. You'll be amazed to read stories from others who are going through things that sound exactly like what your wife did.

I've got to say that your wife's idea that your issues are causing her problems and thus that you get therapy is a real silver lining to the cloud you are under, and I'm going to suggest you grab your lead and run with it.

She probably thinks/hopes that you will magically start doing what she wants and make her happy if you get the "right" therapy.

Since your therapist is suggesting that she has BPD and nudged you in the direction of coming here, that's an indication that you've found a good therapist.

Most likely, your therapist will help you better deal with your wife, and it won't be "easy" for her, unlike what she's hoping... .so be prepared for your wife to start attacking your therapy or your therapist as not working... .and I'd suggest you mentally prepare yourself for another new idea that your wife will resist:

Your therapy is for you, and it isn't your wife's business. Refuse to involve her with what you say in therapy, and refuse to let her tell you that you need a "better" therapist.

Take care--I know this is really tough!

I can imagine the general picture of things with your wife. How are things going today?
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Lovingmywife

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2017, 09:10:00 AM »

I can't thank u enough for this reply.  In actually in tears at my desk... .which I was also late to bc of being in tears at home this morn.  It's not the best day.  Yesterday marked day 5 of my wife isolating me affectionately and emotionally... a record. But thankfully there wasn't the anger and rage like the last time... just a dismissiveness. We haven't slept much all week and last night we tried to talk about things as it was r am and we were both wide awake.  It led to a fight and I didn't handle myself well at all.  But this morn she actually awoke and hugged me... first time since Tuesday morn. Then it began again and got worse and I again let my emotions get the better of me.  I hate that. But in the end she agreed she'd return to therapy even though she believes she doesn't have anything to work on... i told her at the least she could have some support in dealing with my intimacy issues that she feels r the root of her issues... her numbness her emptiness.  At the least maybe someone can help her with that bc I know it triggers her.  She's actually going to see my therapist which I'm happy about bc she spent a year with another and I even wrote the lady letters hoping to give her Insight into what my wife doesn't verbalize... and at my wife's request of course!  She hugged me before we left for work but I too am feeling empty now.  It's a rollercoaster that I feel I want to get off of... but I love her and now that there's a possibility I know what I'm dealing with I feel there might be hope. Thank you again I needed this now.
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doy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 50


« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2017, 02:08:45 PM »

hi there,
if i read your story , my first reaction is that you have a hard time seeing her clearly, although you do have a hunch , since you are writing here. you seem to think still there is something you do , or don't do. that triggers her behavior.
you need to remember that WHATEVER you do or say ( obviously in a fight we aren't all saints) with somebody with BPD it really doesn't matter . their behavior is completely unreliable and unstable, no matter what.
it is not normal for a person to idealize you one day and totally devaluate you the next. her emptiness and the roller coaster you describe is typical BPD ... i am not a therapist but i do think it is really important for you to at least take a bit of time for yourself, read as much as you can , get out of the situation , maybe for a few days or a week ( in NO CONTACT) , not necessarily to break up ( because that seems a bit of a far step for now )  but to feel yourself again and see your situation from above. a life with a person with borderline ( or any personality disorder ) is really no joke. they can leave you out of order, energy, self-esteem and respect.
i recognize a lot ( my story is also somewhere on this site) and i must say if hadn't had this time apart i would't have been able to see it clearly. it is painful , but i feel as though i got lucky to have the chance  ... it sounds weird ( to myself too) but it is such a strong instinctive feeling. it is like i just knew, i just didn't have the time to stop and think.
i wish you strength, and keep us posted.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2017, 06:06:24 PM »

  Yes, there is hope.

There is hope that she will get treatment and get better.

There is also, and more importantly, hope that you will learn better how to deal with her, and can improve your life at home. This is important, because you are in control of your own destiny, in control of your own actions, and you can make things better without needing her cooperation or agreement!

It led to a fight and I didn't handle myself well at all.  But this morn she actually awoke and hugged me... first time since Tuesday morn. Then it began again and got worse and I again let my emotions get the better of me.  I hate that.

In general, your solution is to be mindful and notice your emotions are getting out of control... .and then remove yourself from her presence so you don't make things worse. (Trying to stuff your emotions down harder is a losing battle in the end).

In specific, we've got some tools to help you. Can you describe how a recent fight started, in detail, perhaps with specific dialog, starting a bit before you had that "uh oh, what do I say now" or "uh oh, how do I get out of this" feeling, and continuing on downhill from there a bit?
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Lovingmywife

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2017, 10:05:16 AM »

(Not sure how to reply to individual posts... never been on message boards before)
Doy, u r right ... i do find it hard not to assume blame for my wife's beliefs and reactions.  I do think I do things that trigger her behavior bc I have seen that pattern but most often there is no rhyme or reason.  This is what in trying to understand. See I'm a fixer... so it's my nature to want to fix the situation.
Grey Kitty, I laid awake last night trying to come up with a specific for u but I'm blank.  What i can say is that where I go wrong is trying to rationalize with her.  She has a way of distorting things I say or do and I go on defensive and try to explain my point of view.  But that never helps and I know it's an exercise in futility.  But if she feels slighted by me or something ive done it's hard not to want to fix it! Let her know I didn't mean it how she took it.  I. General with people if u can change ones perspective u can change their reaction.  So if she's mad about something I or someone else has done I try to get her to see it from another viewpoint so SHE doesn't have to hurt or feel slighted.  This never works with her and I am trying to not... but it's hard as it's my nature... fixer.  But I know that it's different with her and I can't rationalize.  So then I hold things in and she distorts what I say or blames and I blowup and let my emotions rule me.  I think sometimes she pushes my buttons on purpose too.  I've tried setting boundaries... like walking away when she is yelling at me... especially if I've engaged a d yelled back.  But her behavior gets worse.  Then she blames me for leaving her to go to another room.  Or if we r out and it's out of control and I leave to go home... she blows up my phone with threats of harming herself then I end up downtown looking for her for hours.  Last time she as with friends at a bar laughing talking when I finally found her at 4 am but her texts where she was in a ditch.  So I don't know how to set boundaries that don't escalate her  behavior.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2017, 04:38:55 PM »

I've got a few thoughts to help you on this:

First, if you aren't familiar with the concepts of validation and invalidation, they are really important for relating to other people. Somebody who has BPD or BPD traits (like your wife) will be far more sensitive to invalidation, and need more validation than normal people, but these skills will really help with everybody. Validation is a bit more subtle, a bit harder to do well, and further, it is "spoiled" with just a tiny bit of invalidation, so I recommend you start working on how not to be invalidating. This link is a great start.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Another tip is to remember the acronym JADE. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Any of those things are invalidating, and won't help. Even if you can't validate, just try to zip your mouth shut before they come out of it... .or at least stop before more of it comes out. This is hard because you will probably be attacked/provoked in a way that really invites you to do exactly that. You will get better with practice.

Then there is this:

So I don't know how to set boundaries that don't escalate her  behavior.

It is subtle, but I like to say enforcing boundaries, instead of setting boundaries, to better distinguish between a rule and a boundary:

Rule: Do not do X.
Enforcing Boundary: If you do X, I will do Y to protect myself from consequence Z of your action X.

If you set a rule, guess what--she will break it when she's upset. And you can't do anything to stop her--She has the power, and you can see how that is working out!   

If you are enforcing a boundary (correctly), you will succeed at protecting yourself, no matter what she chooses to do. You have the power instead.

Anyhow... .when you try to enforce a boundary, you can pretty much guarantee she will try to escalate things at you. And you need to be prepared for that.

When you try to leave a room to end a fight, she will try to follow you. You need to be prepared to leave the house if she follows you around the house. (Make sure she cannot block your car in, and if she gets in her car and follows yours, I'd recommend driving to a police station; that will probably discourage her from more escalation, or at least provide you with resources to keep yourself safe)

If her escalation is toward harming herself, attempting suicide, or acting rashly enough that it is kinda like one of those, your choices get harder, but you do have options for that too.
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doy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 50


« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2017, 02:07:59 AM »

dear... .you are obviously trying all you can to make this work... and she is doing therapy? my question is, can you still function in life with this going on privately?
i know i couldn't .
i was in a relationship for 4 years without ANY fight. not one. we got along great. it made me able to dance through studying, after that i was in a relationship for 11 years. i started a company with this man , which grew a lot in a short time. we had an occasional fight , but not more than once very two months. it is a creative company that has been of great success. to my opinion, that is healthy.  i know for sure that if we would have had to put so much energy in discussions , we would have never got there.
my last relationship was with a man with BPD... .it was only 6 months, but in these six months i was a to like you , constantly putting my energy in how to be better, talk better , sooth discussions, sooth his mood, keep him stable. be clearer... .but it seemed like there was no end. it was devastating to me. looking back ( we are still on nc) it was like a vacuum . i didn't see it at the time. i was too deep in.
what i want to say is... .this is really YOUR life and you can decide where you put your energy in. maybe you don't know right now and you are just trying to make peace with what is in front of you . but i hope you can give yourself a time limit and be realistic. if in a month or two you find yourself in the same position ... .life is too short to focus on discussions all the time, and you certainly do not deserve to suffer like this.
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