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Author Topic: My thoughts (it gets easier)  (Read 440 times)
Duped Again

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« on: April 24, 2017, 08:55:52 PM »

I read a lot of different experiences on here. I've mentioned mine before but I'll give a synopsis.

I was love bombed by a beautiful young woman and fell hard. I was fearful and my gut said something wasn't... .right. She was too perfect (I'm sure you will understand). Once a full blown, out in the open, meet the parents relationship began, the hypersensitivity hit epic levels. Mine was a quiet, shy, non-confrontational person who played the victim card like a pro. Everyone had mistreated her: parents, ex boyfriends, ex boyfriends' parents, former classmates, etc. So the quiet victim played on my good guy persona.

We didn't fight per se. There are no real fights with this type of person. They will take the slightest comment and turn it into an insult. They will take any offerings of advice as saying "you aren't good enough." Will they then tell you how they feel? NO. That would require adult communication. What they will do is wait until you aren't looking and text an ex or tell their family that you aren't really in love with them. All the while, you will be told you are the greatest EVER. They could never replace you... .

Then it happens. They get distant. Then they are gone. Why? Well, when you failed to pay enough attention to her at that get together, she snuck off and started texting a co-worker. Keep in mind that she is physically beautiful and can have any heterosexual male in the tri county area simply by smiling. You had no idea and later that night, she slept with you and told you that she loved you. (Oh, and heaven forbid if your mom texts you late at night... .you are CHEATING on her)

When she recycles and reconnects a few days/weeks later, she was just soul searching. She NOW realizes that you are the one. This time it will be shorter lived because your past "mistakes" are firmly planted in her mind. She is monkey branching and she's holding on to your limb but reaching for another. But you will have no clue. She loves you and you never fight... .where is the problem?

Eventually her interest has fallen like your tank of gas on a long trip... .slowly. However, now there is no gas in the tank and she is truly gone. She is with her next man. She loves HIM and he is the greatest she has ever met.

You may not know it now but she was with other men during the "breaks" as well. When you find out, if you are like me, the emotional pain is paralyzing. Sleep, eating and work are almost impossible. There is no contact from her. You are discarded and it's if she has never known you.

I am now in month four of my recovery process. I want to share what I have learned since the above took place.

Hearing the things I described above and understanding that I was cheated on and deceived for months have left scars that will last a lifetime. She is now on man number 3 in four months. I did not ask for this information but was provided this by someone who needed my assistance. I won't go into details but the individual simply said, "what the hell happened to her?" It was embarrassing (he had witnessed all of her actions). I had to apologize for her behavior.

When you are emasculated to that degree, you start to ponder deeper than ever. Here is the thing: I was an OBJECT. I served my purpose for awhile and now there is someone newer and there is NO regret. I do not deserve proper treatment because I wasn't perfect in her needs. Her "love" was conditional and I broke the rules.

But guess what... .I'm sleeping pretty good again. I eat pretty well and exercise is fun again. I still miss her, but here is the thing, I accept her for who she is as a person. She is sick. Not in the 'slash your tires' kind of way but in the 'cannot emotionally connect' kind of way.

Can you imagine if you could never feel real love for another person? That is what life is like for her. Can you imagine if you were so sensitive that you couldn't handle casual conversations with your partner? That is what life is like for her. Can you imagine sleeping with your partner, telling them you love them, then going on a date the next night with another in secret? All because you can't accept the care, love and support you are receiving? Folks, that is misery and it will not end anytime soon. Don't excuse the behavior but be glad you are not one of these empty souls who cannot connect.

For the record, I have dated and broken up several times in my life (I'm not a kid anymore). I have several former girlfriends that are great friends of mine. Not all breakups are like this. They all hurt to a degree but not like these. I hope this helps.





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« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2017, 09:31:18 PM »

Great post mate, you show an astounding amount of wisdom Smiling (click to insert in post)
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roberto516
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« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2017, 09:38:22 PM »

You just described my relationship. All of it. Right down to a T. How odd is that? How we argued. Inability to communicate. The recycle phase being so short and the resentments being the cause of the discard. Only thing is I don't think she is with someone else. She wasn't after the first discard. But that could have all changed. She seemed bent on trying to fix herself. Hopefully she does. She's found  a replacement in yoga again. But that won't suffice for what a BPD needs. But it's not my problem anymore
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
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« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2017, 08:18:53 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Duped again

I can relate with scariness how similar your story is except for the cheating, I have no idea how many replacements she has had in the last 10 months but I would imagine a few.
I discovered I was her third bloke in the 4 months since she split with the guy she was engaged to before me.
I know one of them blew her out within a month, he must be a clever man or she showed her true colours to him in a short time instead of the 4 months it took her to show them to me.
I relate to the whole communication problem, mine too was shy and a hard done by victim BUT she could give me so much vile verbal abuse it was unreal.
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g2outfitter
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« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2017, 09:25:05 AM »

When you are emasculated to that degree, you start to ponder deeper than ever. Here is the thing: I was an OBJECT. I served my purpose for awhile and now there is someone newer and there is NO regret. I do not deserve proper treatment because I wasn't perfect in her needs. Her "love" was conditional and I broke the rules.

But guess what... .I'm sleeping pretty good again. I eat pretty well and exercise is fun again. I still miss her, but here is the thing, I accept her for who she is as a person. She is sick. Not in the 'slash your tires' kind of way but in the 'cannot emotionally connect' kind of way.

Can you imagine if you could never feel real love for another person? That is what life is like for her. Can you imagine if you were so sensitive that you couldn't handle casual conversations with your partner? That is what life is like for her. Can you imagine sleeping with your partner, telling them you love them, then going on a date the next night with another in secret? All because you can't accept the care, love and support you are receiving? Folks, that is misery and it will not end anytime soon. Don't excuse the behavior but be glad you are not one of these empty souls who cannot connect.

For the record, I have dated and broken up several times in my life (I'm not a kid anymore). I have several former girlfriends that are great friends of mine. Not all breakups are like this. They all hurt to a degree but not like these. I hope this helps.

Your whole post resonates with me... .we had to have dated the exact same girl. 

I too am dealing with the break up by coming to grips with the fact that my exBPD is sick... .and not in a slashing the tires kind of way as you said.  She cannot feel real love, but wants that more than anything.  That is what kept me hanging on for so long, to give her a love she has never been able to have before.  The thing is, I came to realize that she probably had been given true love by many past boyfriends but their efforts came to the inevitable conclusion that mine did.

It doesn't cure the pain I feel but it really does dull it by knowing I did all I could to make our relationship work but I was fighting a battle I just couldn't win.  It's a battle no one can win.
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« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2017, 09:47:38 AM »

Excerpt
      I too am dealing with the break up by coming to grips with the fact that my exBPD is sick... .and not in a slashing the tires kind of way as you said.  She cannot feel real love, but wants that more than anything.  That is what kept me hanging on for so long, to give her a love she has never been able to have before.  The thing is, I came to realize that she probably had been given true love by many past boyfriends but their efforts came to the inevitable conclusion that mine did.           

I agree, apparently all her ex's were bad men according to her.
Well I know one of them and he isn't, he went through the same as me although I haven't spoken to him about it. He is my friends brother and I don't know him that well and he thinks I was his replacement, he doesn't know about the other 2 before me.
Her kids dad is a total pr*** so at least she was telling the truth about that.
So I did think I was giving her the love she hadn't had (according to her) but she couldn't accept it.

We can't all be bad men and her all sweetness without fault, I've witnessed the instant personality change too many times amongst other things to know the buck stops with her.

Excerpt
      It doesn't cure the pain I feel but it really does dull it by knowing I did all I could to make our relationship work but I was fighting a battle I just couldn't win.  It's a battle no one can win.               

Total feel the same, it was new to me but I now realise that to her it's normal life, it will just keep repeating for her and she will be non the wiser, forever the victim.
She can't handle being loved, she can't accept it and it's baffling to me.
I sometimes think that the reason for her neighbours (who you won't be surprised to hear she doesn't get on with because they have wronged her) looked at me funny was because they had seen a string of people come and go before me.
They were probably thinking "oh dear she's got another poor sod who doesn't know what he's in for".
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AustenJ
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« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2017, 09:49:04 AM »

It does dull the pain a bit by realizing that she has had dozens of failed relationships with good guys before me, and will have dozens of failed relationships after me. I'm sure all of her ex-loves have had their dreams dashed... .

I have the pleasure of working daily with my diagnosed xBPDgf. I have been able to pretty much be NC with her for the past 4 months, until she caught me off guard and cornered me last Friday... .just being friendly and commenting how my replacement was taking her to Italy this summer.

So I poked the bear. I wanted further proof that she was treating my replacement just like me... .which I knew she would... .but I still had to touch that hot stove... .
When I asked her about her cheating ways, she told me that she had changed and "wasn't that girl anymore." Even though she had cheated on me and other boyfriends, this new guy was different... .she wouldn't want him cheating on her, so she wasn't going to cheat on him... .

This is at least the 2nd guy she has been with since my discard... .the first one was an ex/BFF who she was still triangulating everyone with... .but she has fixed that situation too... .

Texting her didn't trigger me in a negative way... .it only confirmed her craziness and that she will never change... .I was also once the "new guy who was different"

Many, many different guys before me, and there will be many, many different guys after me
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« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2017, 09:56:47 AM »

Excerpt
    ... .I was also once the "new guy who was different"

Many, many different guys before me, and there will be many, many different guys after me         

Oh yes I was the one.
I wonder if she told all before me the same thing.
No question mark needed on that last sentence.
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« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2017, 10:26:02 AM »

It was spooky how her text answers were exactly the same things she had told me in my idealization phase. My replacement was the kindest and most patient man she has ever been with (same exact words to me)... .he is a rescuer (just like me), and on and on... .

No empathy in her responses when she confirmed that she had indeed cheated on me with an ex (which she never admitted to me before).

The replacement is from a new circle of friends as her former circle of friends she has alienated girlfriends and has had sex with most of the guys (8!)... .she will continue to use and abuse these circles of millennials... .and just move on to the next group when she wears out her welcome... . 
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g2outfitter
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« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2017, 10:40:39 AM »

I agree, apparently all her ex's were bad men according to her.
Well I know one of them and he isn't, he went through the same as me although I haven't spoken to him about it.

I never knew any of her ex's except for one... .her third husband whom she had a daughter with.  The ex-husband actually had custody of the daughter but my exBPD would have visitation every other weekend so I would see him often.

Of course when I started dating my exBPD she spoke very badly of him.  As time went by I realized that he seemed like a good guy, just extra protective of his daughter.  I soon came to realize why he was so protective - there was always a "new" man in the picture and my exBPD was reckless in all aspects of her life, even when it came to her daughters.  I would be protective too if I was dropping of my daughter with my exBPD and a "new" man that I never met was always there.

It just so happened that the ex-husband and I got to texting last week.  I had never really sat down to have a talk to him about his relationship with my exBPD (well, now she is "our" exBPD).  It didn't surprise me that our stories were similar... .it was really just how similar.  We literally lived the exact same life with her.  Their romance was intense and very fast (they were engaged after 3 months, had a child 9 months later)... .me too (sans the marriage and child, thank goodness).  She cheated on him with a replacement already lined up... .me too.  She was living with the replacement two weeks after leaving... .mine was one week. Her leaving crushed and blindsided him - they just had their daughter and was living what he thought was a very happy life... .me too.  She tried to get him back soon after... .me too.  He turned to black overnight... .me too.

Here are some of the comments he made to me:

"She has no loyalties to anyone.  She uses people until she decides she has no use for them."

"After a while I realized you (referring to me) were a good guy and I knew she would screw you over sooner or later.  Her relationships never last past 2 years."

"She would turn on a dime.  You could be her soul mate one day and the next she would feel nothing for you.  My best advice is try to forget her and move on."

"She is beautiful and can be charming, but when she turns on you she can be one of the meanest bit%$es on the face of the earth.  I saw that side of her when we went through our very long and ugly divorce."

"After one month of moving out she told me that she never loved me and that I was pathetic.  Three weeks later she asked if I wanted to get back together with her."

"She wants kids because she thinks they are cute, then promptly leaves them in the care of whomever she is dating."

"Nothing is her fault".

This is what he texted me during our conversation.  The ironic thing is the he had never heard of BPD.  He was describing a classic case of BPD, and never once heard of the symptoms.  Hearing his comments were gold to me.  It made me realize that it had nothing to do with me at all.  I was just another chapter in her very sad novel.
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« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2017, 10:44:16 AM »

I will tell you what is spooky... .
When she was on one of her attacks for some reason she would insist I read texts to and from previous boyfriends, I didn't want to but at the time it was the only way to shut her up.
Spooky was how they were so similar if not the same as ours.
She had the same nicknames for them as me, she had told them how they would be better off without her. She told them she can't help her moods, promises of sex that didn't happen.
One (the one who she was engaged to before me) saying how he was fed up with being dumped every 2 weeks.
How she had never loved anyone like that before and how she needed them, all pretty much word for word as me.
Insisting I read the texts was just another way to hurt me and rub salt in the wounds, if I didn't read them her going ape s*** would increase.
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« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2017, 10:58:58 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) g2outfitter

I never met my ex's kids dad, he refused to meet me. Apparently he was still in love with her after ten years, he was a control freak... .I know this because of things he did while I was with her but that is a whole new post I have yet to write.
I always thought it was strange he wouldn't meet me, I stayed at her house every night (except when she threw a wobbler and kicked me out), so you would think a responsible parent would want to meet me for his kids sake?
I wanted to meet him for every ones sake especially the kids.

He is not a responsible parent and just likes to control.
But maybe also he new I wouldn't last long, he wouldn't meet the guy she was engaged to before me either.
He did collude with his oldest daughter to split us up from the start, this didn't help with her being unable to cope with stress and I got it with both barrels off her, but like I said that's an unbelievable story for another post.
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« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2017, 11:17:57 AM »

Holy cow am I resonating with all these posts. Each and every post on this thread describes exactly what my ex has engaged in and what I have learned. I too have come to learn from her ex husbands, ex friends and ex relatives that this is a pathological behavior that she refuses to change. I know her maladaptive defence mechanisms and negative coping skills, I know how she dismisses people without so much as a blink, I know how she has subjected her children to many men who she then discards... .I know, I know I know. Knowing all of this does very little to help me to heal. I know I have to look at myself and my choices. I have to work daily from the time I awake until I go to sleep to stave off the rumination. I have to explore my partner choices and make different decisions. I have to deal with my sadness, loneliness, longing, and anger. I also know I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was and I am a better person than to deserve this pain. That is my work to do. I know who she is... .that's cold comfort on any given day when all you can think about is her coming back and living happily ever after... .I also know that's a delusion... .
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« Reply #13 on: April 25, 2017, 11:19:48 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) inabadway

The ex-husband was very concerned when I started dating my exBPD.  I was a little confused by this because we had never met and I didn't understand why he was so distraught (sure, a little concerned makes sense with a new boyfriend around but this seemed over the top).  

Well, I soon found out that the previous boyfriend had taken a gun from my exBPD's house and killed himself just three weeks before I met my exBPD.  The incident took place while the ex-husbands daughter was staying with her mother (my exBPD).  Luckily, the previous boyfriend had gotten into his car and drove away when he committed suicide so the daughter didn't have to witness that.  Anyway, needless to say his concerns were more than justified.

To alleviate his concerns I agreed to meet with him so he could get to know me.  He agreed and we had a good visit.  I assured him his daughter would be safe and that I would not treat her any differently than my own kids.  Unfortunately he didn't give me any indication about the BPD world I was about to enter into.  He probably knew from experience that whatever he told me would unfortunately have no bearing on me (at that time anyway).
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« Reply #14 on: April 25, 2017, 11:26:08 AM »

Holy cow am I resonating with all these posts. Each and every post on this thread describes exactly what my ex has engaged in and what I have learned. I too have come to learn from her ex husbands, ex friends and ex relatives that this is a pathological behavior that she refuses to change. I know her maladaptive defence mechanisms and negative coping skills, I know how she dismisses people without so much as a blink, I know how she has subjected her children to many men who she then discards... .I know, I know I know. Knowing all of this does very little to help me to heal. I know I have to look at myself and my choices. I have to work daily from the time I awake until I go to sleep to stave off the rumination. I have to explore my partner choices and make different decisions. I have to deal with my sadness, loneliness, longing, and anger. I also know I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was and I am a better person than to deserve this pain. That is my work to do. I know who she is... .that's cold comfort on any given day when all you can think about is her coming back and living happily ever after... .I also know that's a delusion... .

Yes Ice... .you did deserve better, MUCH BETTER!  I don't know how long ago it was when you were discarded but it will get better.  Believe me, it will.  I've truly been in your shoes and it is a pain that is hard to put into words.  My complete sympathies go out to you.  That being said, don't be too hard on yourself.  You will learn from this and you won't repeat your mistakes (which are the same mistakes we all made).  Try to do your best to accept her for who she is... .that seems to work best for me.  To know that no matter what, she is who she is and that will never change.  Then remember, you deserved better, MUCH BETTER!
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« Reply #15 on: April 25, 2017, 11:27:42 AM »

Holy cow am I resonating with all these posts. Each and every post on this thread describes exactly what my ex has engaged in and what I have learned. I too have come to learn from her ex husbands, ex friends and ex relatives that this is a pathological behavior that she refuses to change. I know her maladaptive defence mechanisms and negative coping skills, I know how she dismisses people without so much as a blink, I know how she has subjected her children to many men who she then discards... .I know, I know I know. Knowing all of this does very little to help me to heal. I know I have to look at myself and my choices. I have to work daily from the time I awake until I go to sleep to stave off the rumination. I have to explore my partner choices and make different decisions. I have to deal with my sadness, loneliness, longing, and anger. I also know I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was and I am a better person than to deserve this pain. That is my work to do. I know who she is... .that's cold comfort on any given day when all you can think about is her coming back and living happily ever after... .I also know that's a delusion... .

Knowing what I know does not help me heal either, I agree with everything you just said. Today apart from write on here I have just been sat in silence thinking, I try not to think about the good times, the craziness of it all just goes round and round my head.
All the crap she put me through, all the hurt for no reason when all I did was love her, all the good she ruined and the future we had planned.
After nearly 11 months I still would like some sort of acknowledgement that I exist and did exist, I know it will never happen.
It hurts.
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« Reply #16 on: April 25, 2017, 11:49:22 AM »

@inabadway and icefog

I know it is hard but you should ask yourself the same thing that I ask myself... ."If we got back together would it last forever?"  I would give my right arm for that answer to be "yes"... .but I know with every part of my heart and sould that the answer will be, and forever will be, "no".   Then I ask myself... ."Then do you want to erase the healing that you have already done by being with her again, if you know it won't be forever?  Do you want to start the pain and resulting healing process all over again?"

I believe that I will someday meet the right person for me.  Sure, there is a possibility that it won't happen, but I know one thing for sure - it could never happen if my exBPD remained in my life.  I don't want to continue to deny myself what I know will be a genuine love and appreciation from another person.  That is something I could never attain with my exBPD because of who she is.  I want to be with my exBPD but I want her to be rid of her disorder.  That will never happen because unfortunately it's a package deal.
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« Reply #17 on: April 25, 2017, 12:47:14 PM »

My ex always talked about getting married and having children some day... .which I now know will never happen as she is unable to maintain healthy relationships. The only reason she gave for wanting children was so that they could take care of her... .how very tragic.

It's like Groundhog Day... .it all repeats... .
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« Reply #18 on: April 25, 2017, 01:09:02 PM »

Thanks for those thoughtful words. I was discarded 4 months ago and have had NC since then despite wanting some form of closure(whatever that is). If the truth be known I am conflicted between closure and wanting any form of contact. I work with her daily and I can certainly relate to the "not existing" that "in a bad way" stated. Its like I was rendered totally insignificant over a three year period despite living together and helping raise her children(whom I had to inform of her departure as she hadn't). I found out later from her ex husband that he came home to exactly the same scene... .their son was three at the time and her husband had no idea anything was wrong... .his bags were at the door and he wasn't allowed in. She also sabotaged the relationship between her first son and his dad and lied in court for full custody and would not allow visitation. To this day they (the son and Dad) don't have a relationship. Both of these guys are great guys as I know them both. She of course portrayed herself as the victim in all of this and I believed her. I am now at a point that I don't really believe much about what she told me and feel like I was living with a fraud for three years.      
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« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2017, 02:02:14 PM »

I am now at a point that I don't really believe much about what she told me and feel like I was living with a fraud for three years.      

I know that was the case with me.  I lived a lie for three years.  It was all a façade... .I met her needs at the time and that is all.  She used me for what she needed at that time and when she no longer needed what I provided, I was discarded.  As a caring and loving human, it's hard to comprehend something like this could exist.

It's tough, but what I keep reminding myself is that I fell in love with a mirage.  It was just a magic trick, a figment of my imagination.  I woke up from a very real and vivid dream. I fell in love with a life plan and that is what hurts the most because that life plan is now gone.  But I have to remind myself that it happened for a reason and that there is a better and more fulfilling life plan awaiting for me.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2017, 06:20:15 PM »

Excerpt
     I fell in love with a life plan and that is what hurts the most because that life plan is now gone.  But I have to remind myself that it happened for a reason and that there is a better and more fulfilling life plan awaiting for me.                 

As did I but what happens if that was it?
I'm 50 I can't see any life plan now.
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g2outfitter
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2017, 08:44:20 PM »

As did I but what happens if that was it?
I'm 50 I can't see any life plan now.

I'm 50 myself... .George Clooney didn't find his true love until he was 52!

A very clear life plan could appear to you tomorrow. My whole world was turned upside when she left but that doesn't mean it will be turned upside down forever. She didn't deserve me when she had me, she doesn't deserve to keep me now or in the future. If I allow myself to stay down, then I continue to give myself to her. That does a grave disservice to myself!

You will be ok IABW because you're better than to let the dysfunction control you!
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Duped Again

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #22 on: April 25, 2017, 08:46:25 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Duped again

I can relate with scariness how similar your story is except for the cheating, I have no idea how many replacements she has had in the last 10 months but I would imagine a few.
I discovered I was her third bloke in the 4 months since she split with the guy she was engaged to before me.
I know one of them blew her out within a month, he must be a clever man or she showed her true colours to him in a short time instead of the 4 months it took her to show them to me.
I relate to the whole communication problem, mine too was shy and a hard done by victim BUT she could give me so much vile verbal abuse it was unreal.

I got some verbal abuse at the end. It was shocking. I soon learned that the reason was that she had been sleeping with another man who she was "in love" with for about 3 weeks. She didn't need me anymore. Every day I live with the harsh words. It was the complete opposite of what I had been told for entirety of our relationship. You learn that they felt that way for awhile but couldn't tell you for fear that you would leave them. They will only tell you after they have their new man and no fear of abandonment is present.

The bottom line is that these individuals never really care. They tell you what you want to hear so you'll hang around while they pursue a new mate. When a new mate is obtained, the harsh words come through. You are rejected, disrespected, and emasculated. This behavior is not normal. Because it isn't normal, your pain is magnified.

Ask yourself this: "If I had known in the beginning that she really didn't care and was capable of these behaviors, would I have dated her?" Sometimes it takes a long time to really know someone. BPD types can hide who they are for a long time. This is all a timing issue. Normal people do not want to deceive as to who they really are in life.

Accept them for who they are. Pretend that you just met them and now you know all about them. You wouldn't date them. This is day one of meeting them. The memories will fade... .
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g2outfitter
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #23 on: April 25, 2017, 09:09:46 PM »

Ask yourself this: "If I had known in the beginning that she really didn't care and was capable of these behaviors, would I have dated her?" Sometimes it takes a long time to really know someone. BPD types can hide who they are for a long time. This is all a timing issue. Normal people do not want to deceive as to who they really are in life.

Accept them for who they are. Pretend that you just met them and now you know all about them. You wouldn't date them. This is day one of meeting them. The memories will fade... .

Exactly! Great post Duped. 

Not only have I accepted that she is who she is... .I've actually gone into the mindset that she died the day I implemented NC.  That mindset isn't so hard for me to achieve because in reality, the person I thought she was, is dead.
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AustenJ
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #24 on: April 26, 2017, 08:39:45 AM »

50 is the new 30! I'm 55, and I was going to throw away a marriage for my diagnosed xBPDgf! There is plenty of living and loving left!

We dodged a big bullet guys... .she's someone else's problem now! We are free!
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Icefog
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« Reply #25 on: April 27, 2017, 11:55:56 AM »

I too am 50 and initially when my exBPD abruptly departed and left the "life plan" we had in shattered pieces I thought "man I'm 50 and that was it... the love of my life is gone and so is my growing old with someone I loved". Then I looked at the reality of the relationship and her behavior. My life plan was delusion or mirage as G2 puts it. It was never going to happen based on her behavior and where I was at in managing the relationship. I couldn't be around her full time anymore as I was getting sick from exhaustion(I had to take 3 months off work last year as I was so fatigued and I didn't know why until I got away from daily contact and started to feel better and recover). It affected my health. She wanted to be in the bar every weekend because of the drama, attention and chaos... .I would stay at home. Her parenting was deplorable and so were her living conditions. Her friends and family were a nightmare of dysfunction that she was enmeshed in... .The idea I had of a life plan for us was nothing but a pipe dream.

So at 50 I now think wow I've got a lot of years left to get healthy and invest in another relationship if I so choose. I know what I want and what I don't want in my life. I have my health and am a good partner and a good man. I have a good job, am a responsible guy and have a good sense of humor.  I think those things as opposed to thinking "man I'm 50 and through another failed relationship and love for me just isn't going to happen". I've fallen in love before my exBPD. Ther are plenty of nice, healthy people out there. My Mom says the best times of her life was from 50 to now... .I'm opting for that.
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