First post

[ruby roo]

First post but longtime lurker. I don't have the mental energy to do a long introduction right now. In the 3 hours he has been home from work, my 53 year old uBPDh has raved about what a wonderful woman I am and how he is the luckiest man in the world, picked a fight over something insignificant, told me how terrible I am because I always look for the worst in him, pitched an idea to me about a business expansion, and also walked outside nude to get something out of the car.  Right now,thankfully, he is asleep. 
Our first 20 years of marriage were rough but manageable. When the last of our children left for college 2 years ago, he unhinged and has not been stable since.
I am just sitting in the dark contemplating my life.  So confused.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[anu6]

Hi  ,

I would like to welcome you to the family. I do feel the pain you are going through. Splitting has always been a basic defining nature of my partner. Once i am an angel and next day I'm the one who has spoiled the relationship and everything in it. This splitting for 8 long years has severely damaged my self image too.

Now that I've come to know about his unBPD, I'm trying to take more care of my mental health.

I'm glad you have joined the support group. In what ways does his behaviors affect the relationship now that your children have left for college? Have you considered therapy your yourself?

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, wellcome to the family!

many people lurk here and many don't have the time to answer, we all feel lost, and even the compulsive writers like me don't feel we have something to say then. Or at work we sometimes can't write even if we can take a quick peak sometimes. I tell you this because I get anxious when I see people read my posts and no one answers, but it's totally normal.

Many people have a sense of lost of identity when kids leave home, and pwBPD have a very insecure sense of identity that frightens them. When they experience something in the present, they recall and experience again the pain of the past. He would have had pain about not knowing who he is many times during his life, and those moments come hurting back now. And this triggers some disregulation of his emotions.  

I bet you are a fighter, you've been there 20 years, and you raised kids, so that's admirable. Most days, many of us don't know if we'll get there, though we keep trying and it helps to see we are not alone. We all want or go sit in the dark and feel lost a lot. Dealing with all those mood changes is exhausting, you get some nice moment and you want to enjoy it and let your guard down, and then it comes the hurting mood.

It does help to talk about it, here or otherwise. And felt understood. So when you feel like it, tell us your story. Has he gone through therapy? Is he aware of having some problem regulating his mood? Do you have a circle of support?

The tools here are great to, gradually, change comunication for the better, and how WE take things, and how we can improve so the relationship improves too. At the very least they give you something else to do, to try, when you feel you have hit a dead end. If you haven't already, take a look at the first steps section, and the lessons. Even small changes plant the seed for big improvements over time. We also encourage people to find ways to take care of themselves.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

[ruby roo]

I was so discouraged last night.  I feel like I have learned some great tools in dealing with the verbal aspects of BPD, but am at a loss of what to do with the strange impulsive behaviors. (he walked outside NUDE to the car last night to get something) Although he has always been a highly impulsive person, his behaviors are much more over the line (driving, inappropriate behavior and speech, lying, etc)
Here is a summary of my 26 year marriage:  As a young and naive 20 year old, I married this wonderful, charming man 7 weeks after our first date.  I soon figured out something was amiss in his personality but he was high functioning. His job was in a family owned business and his parents were the main people in his crazy cycle.  After explosive arguments with his dad, I was the good guy who listened and affirmed him.  Although all his relationships with others are superficial, he was active in church and with our kids'activities.  Things really started falling apart 8 years ago when the perfect storm hit him: his parents sold us the business thus taking away his dysfunctional work relationship with dad, our kids were teenagers and leaving home and taking away his Dad identity, I stated working with him in the business and became his "adversary", and he became too busy at work to participate in church activities.  The things that defined him were gone and all that was left was his identity as business owner.  He became addicted to prescription drugs, struggles with porn,  went through a 1 year phase of being drunk everyday, and smokes weed daily.  He agreed to go to a psychiatrist 3 years ago for "depression".   Unfortunately, the Dr. is a customer of our business and I know he is not honest with him about his struggles.  He only sees him quarterly to get his meds refilled.  We also attended marriage counseling last year and that was a disaster.  He felt threatened and was angry during every session and then refused to keep going.
What I am really struggling with now is how to deal with his impulsive and inappropriate behaviors.  He won't do any kind of activity that would build up a healthy identity unless I do it with him, yet I can't stand to be with him in a group due to his attention seeking behavior and his tendency towards public verbal invalidation of me. Our college aged kids will be home for the summer in the next few weeks.  When he is around them, he tries  to act like a 20 year old and hang out with their friends. It is really bizarre. I feel like my life is all about damage control and protecting him from himself.   I have been trying to do more self care-meeting with friends,going to excercise classes etc.  However, if I am not home, I think he drinks alcohol and then hides it from me. 
I am thankful for any encouragement and it feels great just to be able to be honest with my struggles.