Mom with BPD

[nellie82]

Hello everyone,

I'm 35 and my 62 year old mother is a classic case of BPD, although never diagnosed.  She was controlling, critical and raged at all four of us growing up, but I had a special place in her life as the favorite.  She called me her soul mate and developed an especially enmeshed relationship with me.  I took care of her emotionally and was taught that I was responsible for her feelings.  I have been working really hard with my therapist to separate from her emotionally, but feel like I have hardly made any progress.  Last week we decided that I would set my first boundary (no texts or calls after 7pm) but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell her, since I know she will be angry.

Tonight was especially bad, with a tantrum like I haven't witnessed in years.  She and my dad divorced a few years ago, and she has done her revisionist history thing with it and has now convinced herself that my dad left her for another woman.  This isn't true.  My dad does have a girlfriend now, but they met after the divorce.  She called me earlier today but I was putting my 4 year old son to sleep so I didn't answer, and I didn't call back right away.  By the time she called again and I answered, she was furious with me because I should have known that she needed me.  Then she unleashed her sobbing rage for an hour. 

When she was berating me at the beginning of the phone call for not answering her first call, I did stand up for myself and told her I had to take care of my child.  I told her that I wanted to support her but I didn't want to be the recipient of her anger.  It is a small step for me, but more than I would have said a few years ago.  However, I still feel so young during these conversations.  My voice shakes and I can't think of what to say, even though I'm usually an articulate person.  When she was being nasty to me, my heart was pounding like I was in danger. 

Sometimes I just feel so hopeless.  Like, whatever damage was done to me as a child under her rule is permanent, and I'll always be damaged. 

And sometimes I feel so sad for her.  She is horrible, but she is also always in so much pain.  She walks around the world bewildered at why everything is so hard and why no one understands her.  I know I'm programmed to feel this way, but I wish I could take away her pain.

I need help... .

[midnightchurch]

Hello.  I am also new to the BPD Community.  And I welcome you.  I can totally relate to you... .I feel my mom also has BPD (undiagnosed of course).  I am also in my 40's and have my own nuclear family who is my #1 priority.  This disorder is so frustrating and yet can consume your life when a love one is affected.  I don't know what your job is, but as a nurse, I dedicate my life taking care of physically sick people.  The frustrating part is I feel obligated to also take care of my mentally sick mother.  It is not our job to constantly stroke the ego of someone with BPD, and give into every need and desire he'she has.  This just begins a perpetual cycle of enabling the "victim mentality" on part of the BPD sufferer.  The great thing is that you are now recognizing these behaviors.  And ONLY YOU can control your reactions and actions towards your mother.  I urge you to seek a therapist to get through this process.  My own therapist has even helped me write responses to my mother when she attempts to bully or guilt-trip me through her texts.  Your priority should be your own child or children and focus on not treating  your own family this way.  I know how difficult it is.  I have spent so many nights crying over the loss of the "mother I wish I had".  It is a mourning process. It is important to set boundaries and protect your own self-esteem.  The BPD's thrive on keeping us in their control and making us feel awful about ourselves.  I am hoping you can find peace within yourself and stand up to the bully your mother is.

[Turkish]

Hello nellie82,

I'm glad you asserted a boundary,  even though it might have resulted in anxiety.  It is very tough to deal with the emotional enmeshment.  You've been trained to be responsible for her feelings.  Take a look: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772

Speaking as the father of two (5 and 7), your kids and SO are your primary family for which you are responsible.  Being torn between parents and our own children (and marriages) is something many of us here struggle with.  You're in good company   

Turkish