Seeking a Healing Path...

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I am recovering from a 2.5 year intimate relationship that was volatile and toxic... .however, the break-up has been just as difficult to recover from, if not more so, than the pain endured during the relationship.  

It bothers me that I love a man that has caused me so much pain and suffering.  I know this is not healthy... .but I don't have the slightest clue as to how to let go and move on.  It has taken me quite some time to appreciate our relationship as abusive and even longer to discover the significant Borderline traits played out between the two of us.  

I very much desire a loving, mature, and mutually supportive partnership, but I have no idea how to make that happen.  As much as I wish it was with my EX, it is clear that without intervention, I can never have that with him and this breaks my heart.  I have come to understand that desiring him, makes me as sick as he is and I can accept this.  I want help.  I want to WANT to be the best version of myself... .without a partner.  I work really hard within the context of my relationships, but it is obvious that I do not take care for myself with the same care and concern.  I find it much more appealing to help and understand others.  Although learning of the dynamics of BPD has been a tremendous source of validation for me... .feels like self-help.

With that said, I could use thoughts, ideas, and suggestions as to how to develop an intimate relationship with myself.  (I feel like I am asking for the moon.)

[Jillian1231]

I am recovering from a 2.5 year intimate relationship that was volatile and toxic... .however, the break-up has been just as difficult to recover from, if not more so, than the pain endured during the relationship.  

It bothers me that I love a man that has caused me so much pain and suffering.  I know this is not healthy... .but I don't have the slightest clue as to how to let go and move on.  It has taken me quite some time to appreciate our relationship as abusive and even longer to discover the significant Borderline traits played out between the two of us.  

I very much desire a loving, mature, and mutually supportive partnership, but I have no idea how to make that happen.  As much as I wish it was with my EX, it is clear that without intervention, I can never have that with him and this breaks my heart.  I have come to understand that desiring him, makes me as sick as he is and I can accept this.  I want help.  I want to WANT to be the best version of myself... .without a partner.  I work really hard within the context of my relationships, but it is obvious that I do not take care for myself with the same care and concern.  I find it much more appealing to help and understand others.  Although learning of the dynamics of BPD has been a tremendous source of validation for me... .feels like self-help.

With that said, I could use thoughts, ideas, and suggestions as to how to develop an intimate relationship with myself.  (I feel like I am asking for the moon.)

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jillian1231,



It does sound like asking for the moon sometimes.   You've come to the right place for support. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much after your breakup. It's so understandable, after what you've been through. I felt shattered after my breakup with pwBPD. And I wanted to find a healing path, just like you. There IS hope, Jillian1231; things do get better. They have for me and they can for you, too.

I'd say the number one thing you can do to embark on your healing path is to start to turn the focus onto yourself—in a compassionate and caring way. I can tell from your post that you have already begun to do that, and that is a huge step. The immediate impact of the breakup can have very difficult effects; they often feel like permanent damage. But with effort, patience and self-compassion, in my experience, they transform into wisdom and more self-love. Not an easy path, but very well worth it.

How long have you been broken up, Jillian? Are you in contact with your ex?

Keep posting. It helps to share. We are here for you.

heartandwhole 

[happendtome]

If i think back how things ended with me and my ex then i remember that i didnt listen anyone. I read about no contact, but didnt want to use it of course. However, that was and still is the best advice for healing.
It sounds funny, but i registered to some free online course what was called how to get your ex back with no contact rule or smth So i received every day some small letter what i should do and how to act. They tried to sell me a course, but i didnt go that far I just got every day one letter. So instead of waiting my ex-s responses i waited what wisdom i would get from "no contact rule". So it helped me, it comes bit by bit. I wasnt at that time here, only had read some threads what i found with google.

[Jillian1231]

Thank you for your support.

Yes, I still have contact with my EX and I am still in the process of getting the remainder of my belongings from the house.  

I left the house in October 2016 after a physical assault.  He called my mom to come pick me up and insisted that I leave our home, proclaiming that I abused him.

We continued to text/talk everyday and saw each other weekly even though he believes me to be very dangerous.  I came back home for a couple of weeks in December against his wishes, but in an effort for me to take care of me by standing up for myself... .he threatened to evict me and I encouraged him to do so, but he never did.  With encouragement from friends and family I moved a significant portion of my belongings out of the house just before Christmas and I went no contact with him and everyone else in my life over the holidays.

After the new year, I implemented a prayer strategy for 40 days that he responded favorably to, but nothing really changed.  We had daily contact, but any dates/visits we had always ended abruptly with him telling me I was trying to control him upon departure.  I have been confused about the dynamics of our relationship for so long.  I have spent countless hours reading, praying, in therapy, watching youtube videos and talking to experts and other professionals to figure out what I have been doing wrong.  

At the conclusion of 40 days, he disclosed that he had purposely been withdrawing from me and our relationship and I lost it!  I told him just how horrible I thought he was and called him every name in the book.  It was the first time I had truly verbally assaulted him or anyone really.  How he responded was enlightening.  For the first time in over a year he presented as concerned for my pain and never called me abusive, not even once and I reflected on this with him.  This got me thinking the possibility of BPD traits between the two of us.

A couple noteworthy dynamics for us:  My EX is a police officer and was in an abusive relationship with his ex-wife (likely BPD with other co-occuring), so I had been concerned about PTSD and very resistant to classifying him as a narcissist and he would tell me those things do not apply to him. But through intense residential treatment for spouses & significant others of first responders and domestic violence counseling for myself, I was able to get from underneath some of the shame and blame he had so heavily placed on me and I had taken on myself and started to take care of myself.  From his perspective I am 100% to blame for the demise of our relationship, yet I am the only one that was working to do anything about it.  He refused to go to counseling together after our therapist told him something he did not want to hear.

Professionally, I have a doctorate and I am considered a trauma expert working with victims of crime, including domestic violence, sexual assault and child sexual abuse.  He uses this against me telling me I should be able to fix our problems and I know better... .which I suppose to some extent is true although it is quite difficult to do surgery on your own broken body and I have tried to explain this to him.

I have not spent anytime with him since February (but I have wanted to on at least two occasions) and texting/phone contact has been significantly reduced... .I still share with him how much I care about him and miss him, but I make it clear that I am working to heal and learning to take care of myself and encourage him to do the same.  Some days I feel like I am going to die from a broken heart and I am scared to death to enter into another relationship.

[schwing]

Hi Jillian1231,

I am recovering from a 2.5 year intimate relationship that was volatile and toxic... .however, the break-up has been just as difficult to recover from, if not more so, than the pain endured during the relationship.
... .
Professionally, I have a doctorate and I am considered a trauma expert working with victims of crime, including domestic violence, sexual assault and child sexual abuse.  He uses this against me telling me I should be able to fix our problems and I know better... .which I suppose to some extent is true although it is quite difficult to do surgery on your own broken body and I have tried to explain this to him.

Have you considered that the volatile and toxic nature of your relationship has been a trauma-like experience for you?  The dynamics in a BPD relationship often involve traumatic experiences related to abandonment, betrayal, and/or denigration.

I've read of trauma bonding and wonder if the alternations between idealization and devaluation which happens in BPD relationships can also produce a kind of trauma bonding which makes it difficult for people involved in BPD relationships to disengage.  :)o you think this might apply to you and account for some of the difficulty you are experiencing in letting go?

I very much desire a loving, mature, and mutually supportive partnership, but I have no idea how to make that happen.  

This is a worthwhile desire but I don't think it should be a top priority for you while you are still working towards recovering from your BPD relationship.  If anything, the more you understand how and why you've tolerated the unhealthy aspects of this relationship, the better off you will be when assessing and considering future partners and relationships.

Jumping into the fire when you are just out of the frying pan, by getting involved in another serious relationship, might end up sabotaging the next relationship and/or your recovery.  That's what happened to me after my BPD relationship, so I wouldn't fault you, if you walk this path. It's just something I regret from my past.  

I have come to understand that desiring him, makes me as sick as he is and I can accept this.  I want help.  I want to WANT to be the best version of myself... .without a partner.  I work really hard within the context of my relationships, but it is obvious that I do not take care for myself with the same care and concern.  I find it much more appealing to help and understand others.  

Working really hard within the context of a relationship, but not taking care of yourself with the same care and concern, strikes me as a co-dependent tendency.  As a codependent myself, I've learn to recognize the "appeal" and focus of helping and understand others (such as a BPD partner) as an avoidance behavior.  The more attention I put onto other people's issues, means the less attention I have available to put onto my own.  The less attention I have to focus on myself might mean the less awareness I'd have of my own pain.

Let me say that you are totally deserving of the same kind of help and understanding that you give to others.

With that said, I could use thoughts, ideas, and suggestions as to how to develop an intimate relationship with myself.  (I feel like I am asking for the moon.)

This thing that you ask for, assuming you have co-dependent tendencies, may prove to be one of the more difficult (but equally rewarding) endeavors of your life.  With the experience that you have just been through (i.e. BPD relationship), you might find that you are very disconnected from your "intimate self."

I remember, at the tail end of my BPD relationship, I was very shut down, emotionally.  I knew I should be upset, I knew I should be angry.  All the emotions I knew I should be experiencing, I was either overwhelmed by, or unable to access.  If your experience is anything like mine, I think your first step is establishing for yourself, a safe environment in which you can go through and work through all the emotions/pain that you probably need to go through.

I hope some of this is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[bunny4523]

It bothers me that I love a man that has caused me so much pain and suffering.  I know this is not healthy... .but I don't have the slightest clue as to how to let go and move on.  It has taken me quite some time to appreciate our relationship as abusive and even longer to discover the significant Borderline traits played out between the two of us.  

I very much desire a loving, mature, and mutually supportive partnership, but I have no idea how to make that happen.  

Hello

You are further along than you realize... .which is a great start.  What I see here in your post is what I call mind vs heart.  Your heart feels one way but your mind knows better.  This is your secret weapon.  Whenever I would start to get emotional and confused or fearful, I would ask my mind what it thought.  Always the voice of reason... .you deserve so much better, you are not a victim, you will overcome this and be stronger than ever. It's not you.  Don't settle for someone who treats you like this... .find someone who will treat you right and love you and not hurt you.  Not confuse you, not instill fear of the unknown.  Not give you ultimatums or demeen you or make you feel like a bad person.

I like the suggestions that others have mentioned about just focusing on building yourself back up right now... .healing.  Once you heal, you will find a partner that matches you.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do... .and it paid off better than anything I could have imagined.  I've been with my husband for almost 2 years now, married for only 4 months but I have to tell you he is the man of my dreams and we fit perfectly... .now we aren't perfect but we fit perfectly.  Still continuing to grow in our love and strengthening our bond.  No Drama, no ups and downs.  We have fights but we communicate and resolve them and feel closer and stronger.  He tends to get mad, I get quiet and then we wait until he calms down and until I feel like talking... .

Then we calmy discuss the issue.  Not like the raging merry go round I was on with my exBPD trying to defend myself to myself because he was so darn good at the story, I almost starting believing it. 

So please hang in there and keep working on you... .  Don't worry about having a good relationship right now... .it will come in time.

Bunny



 

[roberto516]

This story helped me. I read it many times. And I have enough life experience to know that it gets better. Easier said than done on most days. So here it goes.

"One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well... The animal cried for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over & help him. They all grabbed a dirt & began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey didn’t realized what was happening & cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel ­of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off & take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off & take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well & happily trotted off... !"