How do you handle abandonment issues with your partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi

I was wondering if you would like to share your story regarding the abandonment issue of your BPD partner. How do your partner react when you have to go to some other place/out of station? What situation did you face, either in past or presently regarding this? Any experience regarding this matter?

How do you confront him/her if you have to leave for some other place and you know your partner goes paranoid regarding this? What coping strategies do you apply regarding this?

Thank You.

[anu6]

Hi

I was wondering if you would like to share your story regarding the abandonment issue of your BPD partner. How do your partner react when you have to go to some other place/out of station? What situation did you face, either in past or presently regarding this? Any experience regarding this matter?

How do you confront him/her if you have to leave for some other place and you know your partner goes paranoid regarding this? What coping strategies do you apply regarding this?

Thank You.

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[Tattered Heart]

This is an area that still gives me a sick feeling in my stomach from nerves, but I will say that my husband has improved in this area 200%. If I have a lot going on in a week, he still tries to make it a them vs. him thing, but overall he does much much better. I still tend to wait closer to the last minute to talk to him about things, but that is just me being me and wanting to "wait for the right time" to bring it up.

So, here's what I try to do:
A friend invites me to dinner. I tell friend, "Let me check with H and I'll get back to you."

WHen I approach my H I remember that he will feel rejected so I do wait until he is mostly stable in this thinking. I'll be very casual about bringing it up. If I am tense or nervous in ANY way he picks up on it and then thinks that I am planning something. "Hey, the girls want to meet for dinner on Thursday night. Do you care if I go? I'll leave at 8 so you & I can have some time together before bed."

I let him know the info, but before he could object I took him into account. He could not blame me for abandoning him because I addressed the issue of not being home with him and let him know that spending time with him was still important.

The night before the event, I remind him of the event. I let him know more details, such as where it will be and who will be there. I'll remind him of my promise to leave by a certain time and again remind him that we will spend time together when I get home. (I usually go to bed at 8:30 or 9 so it's extra special to him if I stay up to 10 on these nights so I can spend time with him. I make sure he knows that staying up late for him is because he is important to me).

On the day of the event, I remind him again via text. ":)on't forget I'm going to dinner with friends. Can't wait to see you when I get home."

When I get home, I cannot act like I had an AMAZING time. I make my dinner sound mundane and casual. I voluntarily share some boring story about one of my friends. I might share a small highlight of the evening, but it can't be super exciting or he feels like I would have rather been with them than with him. I can't act scared or guilty or nervous because that becomes a cue that I am hiding something. I really have to downplay things. He is looking for a trigger. It's also important that I share the info before he asks for it. If he has to ask then he thinks he is pulling the info out of me. One other thing that works really really well on him is if I complain about one thing. For instance, last time I went to dinner with friends I complained that 2 of them were 45 min late. (It really did frustrate me because these friends do this all the time). He gets bored because there is nothing to trigger him. He really doesn't care what I did with friends so long as there isn't anything going on to upset him.

After I can see him wanting to talk about himself again, I ask him about his evening and then turn the focus to us spending time together.

This strategy has worked so amazingly well for me. I know it's a form of manipulation, but I'm not lying about anything. I'm not hiding anything. I'm just making it sound boring and non-threatening. I validate his fears and let him know that he still matters to me. I am able to go out once or twice a month with friends and go to some other meetings for things I enjoy using this strategy. Just last week I mentioned that one of my friends wanted to have a set monthly girl's night dinner and he said that was a great idea.

[anu6]

Hi Tattered Heart,

Firstly, I'm so glad that you have replied to my post. You have also replied to my previous post regarding this same topic, thank you for that too, I thought I'd PM you, but i still don't have 10 posts so i simplified my question and started this post instead.

Secondly, thank you so much for sharing your story in details, it helps me a lot lot lot. It reinforces some very important key coping ideas:
 
1) To make it sound casual and boring. This is very helpful and I've been trying to apply it in various situations,like, opinions about my friends/parents etc. It works.

2)The second thing you said is actually where i'm messing up. Its this: " If I am tense or nervous in ANY way he picks up on it and then thinks that I am planning something"

Though i'm sounding casual but somewhere he picks up the nervousness and guilt in my voice. Thank you. I'll frame my purpose more carefully.

3) Third is to validate him in the situation. I need to strengthen this point too.

4) Fourth is to wrap up the conversation, bringing the focus back to "us" and our relationship.


I'm applying in different institutes for my career, some of it are in different state. This is where my unBPD bf(of 10 years) gets paranoid. Interesting point is, we don't stay together but in our respective houses and only meet up,say ones or twice a month. If i urge him to meet up more frequently, he doesn't. I think its because he fears intimacy, more meeting somewhere makes him insecure. Its a part of the push-pull cycle.

Now, if we are just meeting twice a month, that can continue even when i"m in a different state. I can easily come back twice a month in weekends. There shouldn't be any problem isn't it? But strangely, the thought that "now she is in different place, not near me" makes him paranoid.

I'm in a huge dilemma, doubt as to what to decide. On one hand, a good career option but in different state and on the other, a compromised career option but settled near him.

Could you please share your views regarding this with me? Do you think, a compromised career is better in this situation considering he has BPD? But from what I've learned in SWOE and other articles, your life should not be on hold for the sake of insecurities of BPD partner. I've already lost 2 years because he had previously created a havoc because i had to go to other place for studies.

What do you think? I'll be really glad if you could discuss with we.

[Tattered Heart]

Could you please share your views regarding this with me? Do you think, a compromised career is better in this situation considering he has BPD? But from what I've learned in SWOE and other articles, your life should not be on hold for the sake of insecurities of BPD partner. I've already lost 2 years because he had previously created a havoc because i had to go to other place for studies.

That's a tough decision. Where do you see this relationship going in the future? Will you eventually move in together or get married?

If you move, how will this affect your relationship? It sounds like it won't change things very much, but it could send your partner into a tailspin of constantly worrying about who you are with and what you are doing. Would that be any different than now though? Often with pwBPD change is just hard for them. It involves a lot of fear--fear of what will happen, fear of what could happen, fear of the unknown, fear of abandonment, change of schedules, etc. Maybe when you talk with him about the move you can focus alot on what would stay the same.

Have you been able to have a rational conversation with him about this move? Again, remembering to validate his fears first and focus on how you don't want to mess up the relationship. Is there any sign that he gets why moving is necessary? Is there a way to get him to look at this rationally?

Ultimately the decision is yours to make. I'm a pretty career focused person, but making decisions together with my H is important too. I want him to know that he has a say in things.

[isilme]

Wow, Tattered.  That made me feel so much better.  I do many of the same things - feel out the mood before mentioning it, state that I don't plan on staying past a certain time, and downplay it when I get back and ask more about how HIS night went.  I try to think of it as simply being mindful of his emotions instead of manipulation.  The only thing I'm trying to manipulate is to make it less something to cause a fight (it should not cause a fight to do something without him every so often, thanks BPD)

Regarding your question, anu6, I'd have to say that you can't hold off on things like this to placate him.  BPD tantrums CAN pass, a new "normal" can be established, and you need to be free to take care of yourself if that's possible.  Many on here early on allowed ourselves to get so enmeshed so quickly, this is not even something I could fathom.  The career versus relationship is a big question in all relationships and can make or break them even without a personality disorder in the mix.  He will get upset.  He will make claims you have abandoned him.  And he may eventually accept it, or make things so rough you need to end it. 

I agree that if you only see him 2x a month as it is, and think you can maintain this even from another state, go for it.  He will feel upset, but might be able to see after a few months that nothing has really changed.  Or, you may meet someone without abandonment issues, and move on.  It happens.  If your SO refuses to see you more than he already does, the push is already pretty strong and even now it'd not be surprising if someone you see every day seems more comfortable after a while.

How often do you keep in contact if you only see each other bi-weekly?

[anu6]

Thank you Tattered Heart and Isilme for your replies and your views... .This means a lottt to me... .I'm sorry i'm late in replying, had an interview,was studying a bit... .

@Tattered Heart:

Yes Tattered Heart, If things goes okay, we plan to marry about 4 years from now... .the point is, the career choice I'm talking about at this point, is actually not really for ever,its a PhD for about 4-5yrs. I can come back by the time we marry and settle together.

But like you said, though its rationally possible, but his BPD changes the story.

I already have very bad experience regarding this. From 2013-2015 i had moved to another place for studies. Back then,I had no clue about BPD or anything regarding it. So I didnt implement proper ways before parting. He totally messed up. Intense push-pull episodes, mood phases,paranoia and finally he broke up. He even had a back up girl for few months i think but not really affair. At this point i suspected 1st time ever about his behaviors and came to know about BPD, and how it matches. I thought this was an ultimatum end, but no, he came back, pleaded guilty of leaving me, asked me for another go and so on. At this point, i demonstrated change, newly learned strategies, to short circuit the BPD cycle. After a lot of effort, i could make him take some responsibility of his behaviors, set boundaries, tried best to maintain and reinforce.

I even pointed few aspects of his behaviors to him(empathetically) and now he "knows" about his fear of abandonment.

Just when he had come back, i had said clearly that i might again have to go to another place for career, so if he is sticking, he'll have to take this into consideration. He did agree, not exactly very happily, but still he agreed that he'll try to demonstrate change this time and not act like before and it is okay if i leave.

This is the story from 2015-2017. Two years, i sacrificed all my career opportunities and stayed at home trying to bring about all the change i learned about BPD. Thanks to God, things did take a better turn, after 8yrs of roller coaster ride, thanks to all the literature and SWOE.

Now, I'm trying to be clear to him(Last time, i didnt do all this properly) about all the exam i am giving , how i only just scraped through only 1 of them and how tough are these exams and the interviews & so on.

He sounds about 70% supportive. But I know him. He might "try" to be okay but might mess up any moment & paranoia might engulf.

That's another prob. Verbally he might say everything is fine, as he is introvert, but later eggshell might break.

At this point, its still not certain if i'll have to go outside. IF at all i have no other option but to leave, i will surely try to sit with him and discuss all aspect of it----- whats his opinion, is he willing, if yes then how i can call everyday like now and everything can be just like now and that i'll come back as often as now and meet up. I'll value his opinion.

From what i think, he wont directly object verbally. he'll say "ya all's fine *smile*". But i fear, after i join, he might again fall a prey to F-O-Abandonment. And mess up.

I need a reality check here since my mind is so foggy. If he say "everything is fine" and then mess up after i go, do you think i should leave my career just for him. Do you this its my fault that i chose it? I already gave last 2 years solely to him. I'm ready to do whatever it takes even from there, like calling everyday, coming back and meeting 2-3 times like now. Then,am I doing it wrong, that even after knowing about BPD, i am still thinking of other place? But its NOT that i have other options too but i am simply going there. If i HAVE to go coz there's NO OTHER option, is it unfair? Alternative is going for some petty jobs here, not related to my career path,and not of my level. Since I'm still newly learning about BPD,so i'm reality checking. I really do love him and trying to do as much as i can to balance everything. Do you think compromising hard is what a non-BPD SHOULD do in these situations?Am i missing on that or something?

isilme: kindly see next reply... .

[anu6]

Isilme:

You said

BPD tantrums CAN pass, a new "normal" can be established, and you need to be free to take care of yourself if that's possible

By this, do you mean that BPD based insecurities, like this fear of Abandonment CAN get better? Means, if I(along with him) take proper ways, there are chances that he improve on this fear? This is very important information for me. So there are chances, that with proper ways, he might cope much better than he had done when i previously left 2013-2015?

If your SO refuses to see you more than he already does, the push is already pretty strong and even now it'd not be surprising if someone you see every day seems more comfortable after a while.

Yes, true. The push is quite strong even now. Yes it might happen that someone I see every day seems more comfortable after a while, but thing is, even i am quite a codependent on him. I'm still trying to work on this point, not really very successful. 8yrs of codependency and enabling after all. So i keep panicking if he stops connection but still trying my best to maintain this boundary i placed: "he has to take personal responsibility to maintain communication and cant silent treat me without any proper reason"

About the communication part you asked: We meet 1ce-2ice a month but we talk throughout the day everyday in whatsapp and at night he calls me everyday. This consistency on his part was achieved after lot of effort i gave to this issue in last 2 yrs.

Earlier it was mess. Like: Talk in text msgs for 5 days---2days silent treatment----again pulling in, saying sorry,then i am so good,love,dearie for 7 days-------again pushing out 3 day silent treatment and i'm a devil-----then again i am good----so on so on.

So I'd like your opinion too about the reality check i mentioned in my previous reply. No one in my family/friends understands. It means so much to me to even talk to people here who understands the condition. Thank you so much.

PS- Please do reply and I'll Reply back after some time since I have another interview in other state. I'll read your reply now, but will think about it, and will reply back in about 1.5 weeks.

[isilme]

By this, do you mean that BPD based insecurities, like this fear of Abandonment CAN get better?

Not so much "get better".  As we learn new coping mechanisms, we actually seem to drag them along with us.  So if I am on a middle stair of a staircase, but H is on the bottom stair, but I want to be on the top and make changes to myself and my habits to start climbing, whatever connects us seems to drag him up behind me?  This is not to imply that I am managing to "control" him by trying to validate, take a break, and stop from JADE-ing.  It just seems that if one part of the equation changes, the other side has to for itto -rebalance. 

Like, he is still stunted in his coping, but he HAS improved a lot since say 2006.  Or even 2012.  I accept his BPD as a type of disability, where he may never fully have "adult" level coping skills, and will have tantrums and periods where he is irrational in response to things... .but where those used to come daily, or multiple times daily, they are less frequent, less intense. 

I understand codependency.  I DO think that overall a relationship does best with regular close proximity, and I think you need to do what you need to do as far as a career at this point - even with daily calls, that's not much as far as far as a life-changing decision should be.  You can't hold up your life for someone you message on what's app.  Your day to day "real" lives don't seem to intermingle, overlap, and so you are free to seek out whatever you need to do for a career.  In this economy, if you have options, go explore them now - they won't wait.  If he can wait to see you just a few times a month, he can.