Destroying personal property when enraged - what to do?

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, My BPDxW frequently destroyed personal property when in a rage.  She shattered china, threw wine bottles at me, punched a hole in the wall and broke down a door after I locked it to escape from her.  She smashed family heirlooms, including antiques and vintage photographs.  She lacked the ability to regulate her behavior when angry.  I refused to clean up after her and often left the house when she was on a rampage.  It was . . . scary at times.  She was usually drunk.  Sometimes I spent nights at a local motel and kept an overnight bag in the trunk of my car, just in case.  I am uncertain whether I could have handled it differently or established better boundaries.

Can others relate?  If so, how did you address this issue?

LuckyJim

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[Pretty Woman]

Jim, I really believe we did the best we could with the knowledge we had at that time.

I knew nothing about disassociating. I had limited awareness of BPD when my ex came to my home after a break up, dragged me up the stairs by my hair and punched a hole in my wall. I made the mistake of trying to calm her by placing my hands on her shoulders. This resulted in getting spit in the face and my arm almost being broken.

They are like wild animals in this state. You know where wild animals belong?
In the wild. You aren't supposed to coddle a rattlesnake just as much as you wouldn't try to negotiate with a Grizzly charging you. You would try to remove yourself from the situation, seek shelter and safety.

And that probably is a good way to look at it. Any reaction or attempt to "sooth" the situation is more often or not seen as threatening when they are in that state.

I know an hour later after the incident, my ex called me from a parking lot. She had no idea where she was or how she got there. She could have KILLED people. She also told me she was dangerous and I should have called the cops.

She WAS aware but her awareness was always fleeting. Of course later it was my fault she spit on me.

Of course it was.

So Jim, there are always things we COULD have done but I don't think there is a one size fits all approach and what we really should have done was remove ourselves from the conflict which was obviously a trigger of sorts.

[Sunfl0wer]

The issue of someone else's difficulty with impulse control and emotional regulation is: Their issue.

One can only not aggravate the situation.

We cannot take responsibility for another persons ability or inability to regulate themself.

In the future, for me, I will handle this stuff differently, I will make violence in any form simply non negotiable.  That will be set from the beginning.  Then maybe when he threw his phone and broke it, things wouldn't escalate cause either he woulda understood there are consequences and fixed his issue, or I woulda been gone.

Just how I see it... .fwiw.

[AwakenedOne]

HI LJ, my ex is sorta like a mix of yours and Pretty Womans. I was married to mine also. What was your ex's reaction when you would spend a night at a hotel?  When I tried to take a timeout and have a walk in our neighborhood or go to the store in hopes of her calming down or some positive result she would escalate things into a much worse dangerous state instead. Being married to them is a more complex relationship that some people don't understand. Some might wonder why we would not just leave them instead of going to a hotel or attempting to take a peacefull walk while being searched for by a wild driving car driver. I would imagine like myself you really loved your wife and you were trying about everything for it to somehow work and get better. Although I am far from perfect I am happy with myself for trying even though I went through many horrible moments in the process. Hope any of this helps you.

[UnforgivenII]

He broke a cell phone, a lamp, a bowl full of pasta... .scary...
And the yelling. Oh my God.

[Skip]

I am uncertain whether I could have handled it differently or established better boundaries.

One of the most important things to do in a relationship that has ongoing episodes of destructive rage is to recognize that it is a chronic problem and that its more important to address the problem "in general" than to look at it as "incident and response".

Daylight is the best antiseptic. General solutions would be, in time of clam, to get visibility on the problem to family members and friends under the auspices of working together toward a solution. Daylight is the best antiseptic.

Heed storm warnings We often know the patterns of anger development - either the situation (e.g., drinking), topic, or the progression. It's far better to take de-escalating actions when you see problems develop.

Safety Plan For those times that the above is not enough, a safety plan is important - as you said, you had a bag in the car.

Don't normalize or enable Chronic destructive rage is dangerous. We can learn and use the corrective, diversionary, and escape tactics listed above, but at some point, these normalize the behavior and we don't want to do that. If you are doing the above, and the matter is not improving/resolving, there needs to be consequences that end it; not punishment per se'.

On example is to get the person to agree, when they are apologizing, to move out as a consequence of the next destructive rage - or even seek emergency psychiatric care at the nearest hospital.

Ultimately, we can't live in an unsafe environment and if it continues we should leave.

Curious to hear others thoughts!

[isilme]

Heed storm warnings We often know the patterns of anger development - either the situation (e.g., drinking), topic, or the progression. It's far better to take de-escalating actions when you see problems develop.

I've learned that H is most volatile when he is hungry and too much time has passed since he last ate anything of substance.  So, since the broccoli incident, which overall was one of the most recently alarming but was really not the worst BPD incident I've seen him relent to, or my parents (who were far, far worse), I try to check to see that he has eaten, he has not pushed too far from that baseline.

H ahs broken video game controllers, thrown things, hit himself in the head over and over, and yes, very rarely, has grabbed me.  I grew up with a dad who'd grab me by my hair and toss me, so I try to stay out of arms' reach. but it's not always possible.   I freeze and go into fight or flight mode at the time if I am trapped, mostly freezing as if sudden movements would provoke him more. 

When I see the storm brewing, I try to leave the house or at least find a reason to be out of the room.  Since my sleeping during the day and taking naps is a trigger, I often fold laundry.  It's usually okay but can trap me in a room since there is only one door. 

It's very distressing - it means things have hit a certain Def-Con Level that nothing I do other than get away is going to help.  This used to occur more often, but in recent years is not as likely.  I'm not sure if it's age, that we are communicating any better (maybe?) or that he is taking more responsibility for his actions based on his feelings. 

[Lucky Jim]

Pretty Woman: Like you, I found that trying to calm the waters in the middle of a hurricane was futile.

SunflOwer: Agree, violence and abuse are unacceptable.  That's my boundary now.

awakenedOne: Yes, your post helps me.

Skip: Agree with your approaches to addressing the problem.  Getting the pwBPD to agree to the consequences, however, is a tall order.  Right, at the end of the day we can't stay in an unsafe environment.

islime: Like you, I had a fear of being trapped in a room with my pwBPD, because she would try to prevent me from leaving during her tirades.  I find it sad that you can't even fold laundry without worrying that you could get caught in a room with only one door.  That's no way to live!

Thanks to all for sharing your thoughts and experiences with this aspect of BPD.

LuckyJim

[eggfry]

I suggest keeping a record of everything.

My BPD S.O. has kicked in my door, attempted to kick in the door once more, destroyed 3 drying racks, three holes in my floor, punched a mirror, smashed a glass bottle over his head. Threw chairs and yelled and screamed at the top of his lungs.

During these events it's impossible to reason, it's probably best to remove yourself from the immediate area. But take a picture of the damage, quantify it. It wasn't until I showed him a video of what he looked like when trying to kick in my door again that he realized how badly things escalated. At one point I considered a restraining order because I wasn't sure I'd be safe. I quantified the damage to my apartment and my belongings and gave him the amount. (do this in the calmest way possible) It helped him see, that it wasn't just 'being mad' it was a level that was unhealthy for him and everyone around him. Maybe in the heat of the moment she won't listen to you but perhaps she might see things differently if she could see herself.

Have you ever seen the story about the father who has his son put nails in the fence when he's angry? He later has the son take them out when he no longer feels angry.  The nails can be taken out but there's a hole. When you're angry and you rage, you can apologize but you can't undo all of the damage.

[ortac77]

Rages are hard to deal with, I have resorted to calling the Police before and he knows I will do it again. As said no point in reasoning at the time, and sorry afterwards no longer cuts it with me. I have tried reasoning during calmer periods but when the anger starts (and I have no doubt fuelled by alcohol) any previous reasoned situation has gone.

The destructive stuff is harder to manage, actually if he destroys his stuff I no longer give a damn - its his, not my problem but  do find this wilful destruction thing very challenging especially when somehow he finds a way to try and blame me.