I need help to leave

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been in an off and on relationship with someone for about ten years. He was diagnosed as biploar, but after doing research it seems pretty clear to me that he suffers from BPD. He has all the markers (pattern of unstable relationships, impulsivity (alcoholic/sex/gambling), unstable work history, mood disorders, inappropriate anger, paranoid thoughts, recurrent suicidal behavior). He sounds awful when I write that out, but he's also smart, funny, attractive, etc.

My friends and family despise him. We aren't officially together currently, but I keep circling back to him when the opportunity comes up. This past month we have spent a lot of time together while he waits for his new girlfriend to move in with him from another city. Yes, that's right. I told him I wouldn't cheat with him and he assured me she didn't want to be exclusive until she moved in so I figured why not. Help! Obviously there are 1,000 reasons why not and now I've been pulled back into his drama and feel emotionally connected again.

I need some help to cut ties with him and move on with my life. When he's good he's SO good and hard to resist.

[lulu123]

I've been in an off and on relationship with someone for about ten years. He was diagnosed as biploar, but after doing research it seems pretty clear to me that he suffers from BPD. He has all the markers (pattern of unstable relationships, impulsivity (alcoholic/sex/gambling), unstable work history, mood disorders, inappropriate anger, paranoid thoughts, recurrent suicidal behavior). He sounds awful when I write that out, but he's also smart, funny, attractive, etc.

My friends and family despise him. We aren't officially together currently, but I keep circling back to him when the opportunity comes up. This past month we have spent a lot of time together while he waits for his new girlfriend to move in with him from another city. Yes, that's right. I told him I wouldn't cheat with him and he assured me she didn't want to be exclusive until she moved in so I figured why not. Help! Obviously there are 1,000 reasons why not and now I've been pulled back into his drama and feel emotionally connected again.

I need some help to cut ties with him and move on with my life. When he's good he's SO good and hard to resist.

[Claycrusher]

What does Mr. BPD bring to the relationship table that a non disordered guy can't?

What makes him so hard to resist?

[heartandwhole]

Hi lulu123,



I think most of us on this board can relate to your feelings. The pwBPD I was involved with was often quite irresistible to me. He had many wonderful qualities. When his emotions dysregulated, though, his actions could be very abrupt and his feelings the opposite of what they were hours ago. That was too much for me handle. I brought my own issues in to the relationship, of course, and they ended up being magnified 10 fold, so it was an extremely difficult experience for me (ultimately very helpful, though).

These relationships can have an addictive quality. There is also something called trauma-bonding that can develop, which makes it very difficult to let go. Detachment happens in stages, and includes grieving the loss of the relationship.

When you say "cut ties," do you mean no friendship, either? How do you envision your future interactions with him?

Looking at your own life and exploring why you feel so drawn to this person will help. We have some great lessons on the right sidebar that you can check out -------->

Keep writing and posting. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. 

heartandwhole