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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Nothing to say to people, nothing about me is worth saying.  (Read 356 times)
Caretaker2

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« on: April 26, 2017, 12:34:54 PM »

It's been a rough couple of weeks since my last contact with my ex over text messages, when I thought I was getting better. I made a drive to a city near by where we used to live, and the drive was mostly the same except for one exit on the freeway. The whole time I was driving with my friend, I was thinking of driving with my ex and I was very quiet. This disturbed me because we were going to have a really great time, but I was just driving with absolutely nothing to say.

This problem carried on to our destination and we met up with some old friends that he knew a bit more than I did, but still common acquaintances nonetheless. I had nothing to say to them, or my friend whom I had driven with. I was just this slab of nods of approval and smiles. I felt weird the whole time.

We came back Sunday. It is now Wednesday and I am still feeling exceptionally quiet and I guess depressed(?). I know that word is tossed around a lot, so I don't want to misuse it, but I feel such a constant dullness or emptiness that I really don't want to meet up with my friends or family anymore. I have absolutely, unmistakably nothing of value to say or add to a conversation. For example, I was thinking a couple of weeks ago I wanted to work out, but I feel like my brain is in such a fog or something that I can't mentally plan or organize the kind of exercises I want to do at the gym.  But when I talk to people, it's not necessarily a fog, it's a blankness. My mind has gone blank when I talk to another person. Friend, family, boss, co-worker, stranger, anyone.

I was able to get a meeting with someone in my field of interest to talk about his job and what it was like, and it was brutally awkward for me. I had some questions I wanted to ask him, but apparently they weren't too relevant to what he and his firm actually did. I feel like before this I would have had something to say either about myself or about his job, but I had next to nothing. Just comments about the office and how close it was to my parent's house.

Wtf is going on? I feel like I have lost my soul or something, it feels awful. I guess I've always been pretty quiet with people, even my ex sometimes when we were close, but it felt normal. This feels painful and unnatural, like I can feel the tension in the room and the words that I could be saying just not happening. I don't even know what could be said. It's really driving me mad and I feel like my life has just fallen flat on its face.

Does anyone know what this is and what I could be doing differently so I can at least have a conversation? Am I just thinking of conversations the wrong way? Any resources would be awesome. And thanks for reading.
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Jillian1231

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« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 03:03:35 PM »

In my opinion, the short answer is... .grief.

Please know you are not alone.  What you have eloquently described, sounds very similar to feelings and experiences I had after moving out and limiting contact with my ex-pwBPD and still have with less frequency.  There were days my heart physically ached.  I remember thinking... .when did I become this woman?  (I am not someone who tends to be dramatic, especially in a woeful way.)

I have come to appreciate that for love and acceptance, I have allowed myself to morph into what others desire from me emotionally in many relationships in my life, for most of my life, especially that with my mother and intimate partners.  I have never had a relationship that I could not effectively navigate... .I instinctively "make it work".  (In fact, this is something that has proven to be an asset for me in my professional life.)  In my personal life, regardless of what sacrifices I have to make I just do it for the sake of the relationship (sometimes even violating my own moral code).  (Not healthy at all, but that is for a different post.)

However, within my relationship with my ex-pwBPD that was not enough and he will never allow it to be enough.  I had turned myself inside out and upside down so many times and trauma and drama still existed.  Nothing I brought to the table made a bit of difference.  Most days, the nicer I was the worse he behaved.  I would assure him that I knew I was doing something wrong and believed I could do it better, but I was not sure what that was and I needed help to figure it out.  So when he abruptly concluded our relationship, that I was invested in on many levels and trying to be what he needed me to be, what was left was a significant void/hole that I carved out for him while denying the needs of my own existence. 

I certainly could just jump into another relationship or utilize a maladaptive coping strategy to fill the emptiness and reawaken that dead spot in short order, but my quality of life and relationships would not improve in any way.

Everything I have read and every therapist I have consulted with has indicated that I need to be a lot nicer to myself.  So, I work to embrace these heavy and difficult feelings, while acknowledging that I have survived a very painful existence and it is OK to feel empty, sad, and lost.  These feelings do not mean I am broken or bad and will not last forever.  I am mourning the death of an intimate partner that I shared my life with and loved and sacrificed for.  The exciting part is that I am still ME.  But right now I deserve self-compassion and forgiveness to heal my wounded core to ensure healthy connections in the future.


I hope this helped in some small way.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 03:17:44 PM »

Excerpt
Everything I have read and every therapist I have consulted with has indicated that I need to be a lot nicer to myself.  So, I work to embrace these heavy and difficult feelings, while acknowledging that I have survived a very painful existence and it is OK to feel empty, sad, and lost.  These feelings do not mean I am broken or bad and will not last forever.  I am mourning the death of an intimate partner that I shared my life with and loved and sacrificed for.  The exciting part is that I am still ME.  But right now I deserve self-compassion and forgiveness to heal my wounded core to ensure healthy connections in the future.

I like how you put that, Jillian.  I agree: recovery involves learning to love and accept myself, so that I will never allow myself to be the object of anyone's abuse again.  That's my credo and also my boundary: abuse is unacceptable.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Caretaker2

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« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2017, 07:06:01 PM »

Excerpt
These feelings do not mean I am broken or bad and will not last forever.

I feel like I am hopeful for this, but I guess I think I've always felt some very mild form of these feelings. Like anxious of not being interesting to someone or worrying about what I should say next to keep a good "vibe" or to let the other person know I'm still very interested in our discussion. Since she cheated, I've been feeling extremely devalued and  I feel like every positive thing I felt in my relationship was not actually true. My pride is being deconstructed at the molecular level. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't know when this is going to stop. I don't when I'll feel like being who I want to be like--whatever that may be.

This stuff is so abstract to me that I don't know what anything even is anymore. It's just strange I was getting through it as best as I could, but then everything started getting so personal and now I'm in this funk that I can't shake. It's more than a funk.
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« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2017, 07:13:58 PM »

hi Caretaker2 

funks are no fun, i agree. it sounds like you may be depressed, and certainly sounds like your confidence has taken a hit. cheating can have a real impact on that.

what sorts of things help build your confidence? additionally, you might put some energy into seeking out new skills or activities that will help build it further.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Caretaker2

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« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2017, 07:22:25 PM »

Haha, you tell me. I guess getting fit would work. Currently working on find a career because I think that would help me tremendously. I could get out of my parent's house and just do the things I would enjoy doing around my own place. I was thinking about if medication would help because to me it feels like this hardcore anxiety. I don't know anything about it, so I'm just curious if anyone has experience with those types of medications. Don't really want it as a crutch or anything, but something is just not feeling right. You know?
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« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2017, 07:30:40 PM »

those are all great ideas, and finding a career also adds a sense of purpose. you might even google a list of new skills to learn. arts and crafts, creative writing, photography, to name a few. lots of classes are available.

seeing a doctor is a good idea too. medication isnt so much a crutch but a prudent treatment for when things are not feeling right Smiling (click to insert in post)
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
vanx
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« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2017, 07:48:00 PM »

Caretaker, I can relate to what you describe. In my experience, there have been challenges not focusing on the void I feel in the absence of my ex. It has felt like nothing could replace how she made me feel and I could not connect. Sometimes I feel like I'm totally outside myself. I'm, still struggling, but have been finding ways to connect again.
I don't know if it helps, but my therapist recommended trying to stay more present in a conversation with someone by focusing on things like what color their eyes are or their outfit, etc. Sometimes I think we get shut off from the connections and good things around us by being stuck in our heads (though understandably--no shame there).
I'm sorry you are also dealing with being cheated on. That is not cool and must really hurt.
Try not to feel too weird about your anxiety. I think lots of people have those thoughts. As for intense anxiety, if it can provide some relief, don't forget to practice deep breathing! Hang in there.
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FantasticMsDox

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« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2017, 08:04:13 PM »

Hi Caretaker,

like many others here, I know what you're going good through. I, too am currently in a "funk". It comes in waves. One minute I'm focused on my work or whatever I have to get done and the next minute, I'm in what feels like a gray fog, where I'm just floating around in a kind of dispair and it can be really hard to shake.

Writing on this site has helped. Once I get t down and post, read others' comments and posts I feel better because I know I'm not alone and I know that it gets better. Also the readings and the lessons are very useful in gettting yourself a roadmap to navigate through the funk.

I'm really sorry for what you're feeling but know you're not alone in this Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Caretaker2

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« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2017, 08:13:45 PM »

Thank you all for the words of encouragement.

Excerpt
Sometimes I think we get shut off from the connections and good things around us by being stuck in our heads (though understandably--no shame there).

Very true. It's exactly what it feels like.

I feel like I've heard this explanation before. It would be nice if I could shut it off before engaging someone haha. The eye color advice is very good, I will look for more things like that in the future.

Yeah I haven't actually been here in a while because I didn't think it had been so bad lately. But going on that trip triggered something. I hope I get through it soon.
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