Lack of Kindness

[Bluerskies]

Sometimes I hear about simple things in other relationships & I realize in all my relationships there has been a lack of kindness towards me, true kindness as in concern for me when something goes wrong as well as simple things, like doing something for someone just because.

I wonder what that has done to me.  I find myself believing that I am not a person who can be in a relationship and that I should never try to again.  I am grieving the fact that I haven't experienced this.  In that grief I am also grieving a future without it.

I think maybe I mistook things for kindness... .adoration, being needed, responses when prompted.  I realize now I built a life with no one to fall back on when I have hard times.  I grew up 'the strong one' of the family.  My brother was abusive and my dad depressed.  My mom trying to take care of everyone.  My brother was abusive towards me.  I did not get the kindness that you would expect in a normal sibling relationship, pretty much the opposite and I wonder if I somehow create situations that are similar to that over and over again... .and if I do... .why?

In general I am not someone to ask for anything from anyone.  I think I find safety in self-reliance, but I'm tired and scared of having no-one in my life to reach out to. I'm scared of that happening but that has been my reality for awhile now and I wonder if I created that reality.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi  Bluerskies! 

I think what you've described in your post resonates with a lot of folks on this board.

Question: You described depression and abuse in your family of origin. Were these traits BPD related, do you think?

I can also relate to being the "strong one" in my family of origin. Emotions were pretty much forbidden, and if expressed, they were invalidated and dismissed pretty quickly. I don't think my parents or brothers had any strong traits associated with BPD, but I had several friends / girlfriends that certainly did. I also learned not to ask for anything from anyone, not from family, not from friends.

Hopefully some other folks have more to say about this. Thanks for posting, and I look forward to hearing more about this.

~DaddyBear77

[Harri]

Hi Bluerskies and welcome to the coping and healing board.

I can definitely relate to not having someone who cares, offers help freely just because they like me, etc.  For me, it is definitely related to childhood issues.  I learned that favors, help, kindness came at a high price.  It required me giving up bits of myself and betraying me.  As I have worked through a lot of FOO issues, I realized that the problem, for me, is two-fold.  first, I have surrounded myself with people who allow me to re-create the same childhood dynamic that existed in my FOO.  Second, I learned long ago to put up blocks and not ask for help and not accept kindness because I did not want to owe anything to anyone.  I took pride in being self-sufficient but there was a part of me that kept asking when is it going to be my turn (to get kindness, have someone consider my needs, have someone who could see me and liked and cared about me).

I finally realized that the biggest obstacle to receiving kindness was myself and all those defenses,  including a fierce sense of independence.  Yes, my FOO set me up for lop sided relationships, but I was carrying that over into my present life.  The fact is, looking back, I think there were people who sincerely wanted to be there for me, but I did not know how to work through my fear or how to let my defenses down.  Staying in my comfort zone of not being seen and heard, as painful as it was, what what I kept going back to. 

Healing old wounds has helped me with that... .along with making lots of mistakes and having the good fortune to have a couple of key people see through my barriers.  Those people, other than my current T, are the people I have interacted with here.

It is good to see you post on this board and I hope you stick around.  Lots of us can relate and can watch over you as you step into new and healthier ways of being you.

Be well.

[Panda39]

I can relate to being "self-sufficient", not asking for help or support too.  For me it was not a BPDmom but a critical mom.  I felt like I couldn't ask for help or support because it would make me appear weak or worse stupid. 

My relationship dynamic for years was that of the rescuer, caretaker, nurturer always being "strong" always helping someone else never thinking about me, or my needs because they didn't seem to matter (at least that's what I learned from mom). I could provide things to other people that I was unable to provide to myself.   I hid behind that "self-sufficient" "strong" persona and used it to boost my low self-esteem.  I was strong, I had it together, and my alcoholic husband was the mess... .not me. 

I too had some trusted friends walk with me through kind of a breakdown that turned into breakthroughs. I found myself esteem during that part of my journey and realized that I am a great person the way I am.  My mom's opinions are just that her opinions. I discovered that I deserved to be treated well, taken care of sometimes, and loved just the way I am.

I later met my current SO and he has been a huge part of me being able to ask for help, or attention, or time, or whatever.  He let me practice asking until it became more comfortable for me to do and to accept. So my suggestion is to start asking for what you want and what you need, don't passively wait for it to happen.  Ask and see who steps up and who doesn't.  IMO you don't need those people in your life that don't step up and care for you in a reciprocal way.   

Take Care,
Panda39