Was she BPD, or did I just ruin it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Quick overview of me.  I'm from the US, but I come from a culture where its safe to say women outside of my culture won't consider me, or my culture will be an issue for them.  The problem with the women in my culture that I've been meeting is they they're either living the stereotypes or chasing after white boys.  The compound the matter I do not follow the hypermasculine traits women in my culture seem to go for.  I'm a shy geek type, enjoy books over sports, and computer games over parties.

Ok I met this girl online, just when I was ready to give up on relations period, just getting out of a physically abusive relationship(I was being abused).  This girl blew me away.  She was from my culture, geeky, intelligent, we shared the same values in lots of stuff,  we had similar interests, spoke english better than most people here, and we got along.  In addition she was like me with two failed engagements.  She was on the other side of the world.  We ended up chatting, skyping, hanging out on a daily basis,  I fell in love and so did she.  Eventually she tried to get a visa to visit me here, but it didn't work.  So I flew to see her instead.  The week I was there was magical.  I met her folks, I flew my parents over and we made it official, we were engaged.  I hung out with her friends, and we spent lots of alone time together.  I thought this was it.  I flew back and begun the fiance visa process.  This is where things went downhill. 

One day, I was given the wrong medicine at the pharmacy and was given an anti depressant which is a big nono for me.  I had an emotional breakdown in front of her on skype.  Not knowing what was going on I told my therapist(she knows I see one) who informed me what happened.  And yes I am suing the pharmacy, that doesn't matter though.
A few weeks later she told me she won't come to america, since she cannot live in a country that voted for trump.  It took a good long talk with my sister to get her out of that. 
Then I noticed she's been kinda distant to me, she told me she's suffering stress from work, hates that town she's moved to, and has overall moving anxiety, and appreciates me being patient and understanding.
Next month she drops the bomb.  Due to my breakdown her image of me is shattered, she lost ALL attraction to me.  Her internet friends are telling her to end it, but she loves me enough to try to fix it. 

Over the weeks she becomes cold, distant, monosyllabic, and very standoffish in texts.  One time in a skype session she just watched youtube on the phone telling me I can leave anytime.  Eventually she'd quit talking to me, I had to initiate ALL conversations.  I eventually approached her on this and she said, "yes all attraction is gone".  I began telling her we need to fix it and she said she simply cannot unsee me crying, I told her I'm starting to see her as a cold hearted ___.  She refused to tell her parents, and non internet friends about the problem.  We eventually agreed on couple's counseling. 

First session went great.  I got her to smile, I saw the girl I fell in love with.  I told her how I viewed an incident she badmouthed me about and turned it in a happy moment.  The following week no replies until I contacted her wednesday regarding the next session, noticed she was trying to weasel out of it, but she finally agreed.  Timing got messed, and she was given the wrong time.  No text no nothing from her.  She finally got on stating it would be pointless, its not going to work out.  She's not afraid of america but she'd never want to marry me.  She was talking like she was turning off a TV, not sad, not emotionless, kinda with a smirk.  Also she was expecting us to remain friends and still do our regular sessions.  After the session, I broke down. 

Now I'm looking at it, yes I did mess up, but there were MANY red flags, I wanted to know what you guys think.

*Her ex fiance was in the UK, she kept pestering me to find a job in the UK, that argument lead to my breakdown.  All her chats with my sister her ex got mentioned at least once.  I knew she was still in contact with him.  My british relatives laughed at some of her statements about how the UK was practically a utopia for our people, when they grew up there feeling like second class citizens.
*On the first night my parents were there, they were 12 hours late, she has period pains, but I never knew how bad they were.  After the 10th hour I asked if she was interested.  This triggered her, "Never ever question my intentions not ever!".  We made up but he pains got worst, I sat with her in the ambulance, holding her hand, and in the ER.  She said this happens every month her problem was ok, but my wrong medicine isn't(she said that).
*One night we snuck out of the hotel, just me and her.  We planned to go somewhere which was 20 minutes away, but the driver took 90 minutes before I began asking her to ask him(I don't speak the language well) what's up.  I thought it was minor issue but for her that was big problem #2, but for me it was our first solo adventure, I even told her how much I loved her then.  In our final talk she said regardless, my anxiety is unforgivable.
*She kept telling me she only wanted kids since her ex did.  She said she'd be a bad mother since she doesn't squeal at baby pics.  Yet she did gush at my sister's kids, and her friend's kids.  She gave me an extensive questionnaire about kids and how we should raise them, yet whenever she mentioned kids she'd refer to them as "YOUR kids".   
*She attempted suicide at 14.
*She is high risk for a certain cancer, but refuses to get checkups on it since she doesn't like the drinks they give you.
*She blamed me for not initiating messages, even though she was hostile to me in those messages.
*She depicted her parents as demons, yet they were lovely people.
*I wanted to send her friends thank you presents, yet she said "they owe her, not me".
*We only talked about her geeky interests and saw movies she wanted to see near the end.
*She kept guilting me about not wanting to move to the UK.

Its been 1 week of no contact, I haven't cried for a few days, but I lapsed and cried again.

thank you

[UnknownUnknown]

Quick overview of me.  I'm from the US, but I come from a culture where its safe to say women outside of my culture won't consider me, or my culture will be an issue for them.  The problem with the women in my culture that I've been meeting is they they're either living the stereotypes or chasing after white boys.  The compound the matter I do not follow the hypermasculine traits women in my culture seem to go for.  I'm a shy geek type, enjoy books over sports, and computer games over parties.

Ok I met this girl online, just when I was ready to give up on relations period, just getting out of a physically abusive relationship(I was being abused).  This girl blew me away.  She was from my culture, geeky, intelligent, we shared the same values in lots of stuff,  we had similar interests, spoke english better than most people here, and we got along.  In addition she was like me with two failed engagements.  She was on the other side of the world.  We ended up chatting, skyping, hanging out on a daily basis,  I fell in love and so did she.  Eventually she tried to get a visa to visit me here, but it didn't work.  So I flew to see her instead.  The week I was there was magical.  I met her folks, I flew my parents over and we made it official, we were engaged.  I hung out with her friends, and we spent lots of alone time together.  I thought this was it.  I flew back and begun the fiance visa process.  This is where things went downhill. 

One day, I was given the wrong medicine at the pharmacy and was given an anti depressant which is a big nono for me.  I had an emotional breakdown in front of her on skype.  Not knowing what was going on I told my therapist(she knows I see one) who informed me what happened.  And yes I am suing the pharmacy, that doesn't matter though.
A few weeks later she told me she won't come to america, since she cannot live in a country that voted for trump.  It took a good long talk with my sister to get her out of that. 
Then I noticed she's been kinda distant to me, she told me she's suffering stress from work, hates that town she's moved to, and has overall moving anxiety, and appreciates me being patient and understanding.
Next month she drops the bomb.  Due to my breakdown her image of me is shattered, she lost ALL attraction to me.  Her internet friends are telling her to end it, but she loves me enough to try to fix it. 

Over the weeks she becomes cold, distant, monosyllabic, and very standoffish in texts.  One time in a skype session she just watched youtube on the phone telling me I can leave anytime.  Eventually she'd quit talking to me, I had to initiate ALL conversations.  I eventually approached her on this and she said, "yes all attraction is gone".  I began telling her we need to fix it and she said she simply cannot unsee me crying, I told her I'm starting to see her as a cold hearted ___.  She refused to tell her parents, and non internet friends about the problem.  We eventually agreed on couple's counseling. 

First session went great.  I got her to smile, I saw the girl I fell in love with.  I told her how I viewed an incident she badmouthed me about and turned it in a happy moment.  The following week no replies until I contacted her wednesday regarding the next session, noticed she was trying to weasel out of it, but she finally agreed.  Timing got messed, and she was given the wrong time.  No text no nothing from her.  She finally got on stating it would be pointless, its not going to work out.  She's not afraid of america but she'd never want to marry me.  She was talking like she was turning off a TV, not sad, not emotionless, kinda with a smirk.  Also she was expecting us to remain friends and still do our regular sessions.  After the session, I broke down. 

Now I'm looking at it, yes I did mess up, but there were MANY red flags, I wanted to know what you guys think.

*Her ex fiance was in the UK, she kept pestering me to find a job in the UK, that argument lead to my breakdown.  All her chats with my sister her ex got mentioned at least once.  I knew she was still in contact with him.  My british relatives laughed at some of her statements about how the UK was practically a utopia for our people, when they grew up there feeling like second class citizens.
*On the first night my parents were there, they were 12 hours late, she has period pains, but I never knew how bad they were.  After the 10th hour I asked if she was interested.  This triggered her, "Never ever question my intentions not ever!".  We made up but he pains got worst, I sat with her in the ambulance, holding her hand, and in the ER.  She said this happens every month her problem was ok, but my wrong medicine isn't(she said that).
*One night we snuck out of the hotel, just me and her.  We planned to go somewhere which was 20 minutes away, but the driver took 90 minutes before I began asking her to ask him(I don't speak the language well) what's up.  I thought it was minor issue but for her that was big problem #2, but for me it was our first solo adventure, I even told her how much I loved her then.  In our final talk she said regardless, my anxiety is unforgivable.
*She kept telling me she only wanted kids since her ex did.  She said she'd be a bad mother since she doesn't squeal at baby pics.  Yet she did gush at my sister's kids, and her friend's kids.  She gave me an extensive questionnaire about kids and how we should raise them, yet whenever she mentioned kids she'd refer to them as "YOUR kids".   
*She attempted suicide at 14.
*She is high risk for a certain cancer, but refuses to get checkups on it since she doesn't like the drinks they give you.
*She blamed me for not initiating messages, even though she was hostile to me in those messages.
*She depicted her parents as demons, yet they were lovely people.
*I wanted to send her friends thank you presents, yet she said "they owe her, not me".
*We only talked about her geeky interests and saw movies she wanted to see near the end.
*She kept guilting me about not wanting to move to the UK.

Its been 1 week of no contact, I haven't cried for a few days, but I lapsed and cried again.

thank you

[Claycrusher]

I don't know whether the girl you wrote about has BPD or not, but I do know that if she is afflicted, accurate diagnosis should mean more to her than it should to you.

What should be relevant to you isn't the cause of her behavior but the effect it has on you.  All you really need to know is the effect, not the cause.  If behavior Exhibit A is hurtful to you, how does knowing the cause make it less so?  Would it be less hurtful to you if you could blame it on BPD, which you can't afflict someone with and can't cure someone of?

From what you wrote about your former lady-friend, I can't say whether she's got BPD or not but I know enough from that to know that I wouldn't want to date her.  That's really all I think I would need to know.

If she DOES have BPD, trust me as a guy married to a pwBPD for 18 years when I tell you that you're better off without BPD or anything similar to it in your life.

[heartandwhole]

Hi UnknownUnknown,



I'm sorry that your relationship seems to be breaking down. That is very painful, and it's very natural to feel upset about about it. This kind of behavior would upset me, too, in your shoes. It sounds like your fiancée feels at least ambivalent about moving forward with your marriage plans. If that's the case, it might help to pause a bit and stop trying to "make" anything happen. Take a deep breath and give her, and yourself, some space to reflect on the right action going forward.

You've come to a great place for support. Members here understand what you are going through because they have been in similar situations. There are also lots of tools you can learn and information you can read to help make things better. There IS hope for things to get better for you, Unknown.

There is no way we can diagnose over the Internet; only a professional can do that. The behaviors might be due to immaturity, BPD, both, or many other possibilities. The behaviors speak for themselves, however. And I think taking them at face value for the moment will help you reset your expectations and work through the issues that you both are experiencing.

How did the decision to go NC happen? What do your parents and friends say about these recent events?

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here to support you.  

heartandwhole

[cubicinch]

Given time you'll see this situation for what it is: going nowhere. There's not much you can do to fix the past, you have to move on and either fix it or start to see that you need to detach from her and re attach to looking after yourself. We've all been in the same or similar place as you are now, trying to work it all out, or what did you do wrong; the fact is, you didn't do much wrong, and this person is not putting you first.

I had enough problems with ex gf who was less than 2hrs drive away; good luck with someone who is the other side of the world. Despite what you may be thinking, there are many people out there, better suited, and better able to cope emotionally with a relationship with you. Post as often as you feel the need here, the group will be supportive. Good luck and it will take time but try to start thinking about how it's all affecting you, and whether that is right. 

[UnknownUnknown]

Hello guys thanks for the replies.   But I think I didn't clarify it.  She ended it with me.  I'm in the process of withdrawing her fiance visa application.  Its been 1 week of no contact, and I'd still give ANYTHING to see that girl I fell in love with in her home country.  Not that stranger on skype who just ended it in the middle of our counseling session, dropping me like I was a bad order at a restaurant, because shes "no longer attracted to me".  Even the counselor said afterwards "what a cold hearted ___".  

The reason I think she's BPD is this www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/ex-girlfriend-traits-borderline-personality-disorder/, reading that article, I vomited a little in my mouth, it was exactly me.  

I just can't understand how someone could be so unforgiving over being given the wrong pills.

As for my parents, they're really supportive of me.  My mom got a "___" vibe from her when they met, but said she didn't want to say anything since it was obvious we were in love.

I'm just trying to make sense of this.  From soulmate, to stranger, to I don't know what it is now.