Daughter in law getting worse

[Doula]

I am a grandmother living in the midwest.  My son, his pregnant wife and their two toddlers live on the West Coast with no other family support.  My son and DIL married 5 years ago; she was not truthful about her BPD.  She became immediately pregnant and has been pregnant or nursing ever since.  To her credit she takes no meds while pregnant or nursing, but five years with no treatment has taken a toll.  She claims she is "incapable" of not screaming at her husband; lies; berates;  ignores her children, or manipulates them; the police have come to their home; she has had the police called on her by a restaurant because of her raging over not being seated where she wanted; has tried to jump out of moving vehicles; she threatens suicide often; beats her head on the floor, doesn't sleep.  She is high-functioning in certain situations, able to hold a job, and is chameleon-like in her ability to talk rationally to certain people, at least for a time.  Her divorced parents live on the east coast and are both in denial.  "She just has a temper, so don't cross her."  My son is under employed because she can't be trusted with the children; she has hidden bank accounts she refuses to tell my son about; he does all the child care, bathing, feeding, taking them to school, haircuts, etc.  They desperately need to move out of their tiny urban apt but she has hidden their money.  Every week is a new crisis.  The sickest person in the room is in control of this family's life.  I've read that some people recover from BPD - especially with DBT - but she refuses to go to treatment.  I am heartsick that this is their life; concerned about my grandchildren; and unable to help from afar.  Not sure what I'm looking for here. 

[Pilpel]

I sympathize, Doula.  My brother's wife is undiagnosed N/BPD as well.  And our family deals with some similar issues.  She's been particularly difficult for me, and even more so with my mother --seems anyone in a position where she has expectations get the worst from her.  And my mom has very poor boundaries, so gets it even worse.  She's also been either pregnant or breast feeding for the past 10 plus years.  And, although I've seen her complain on Facebook about all the work she does, I always see my brother doing most of the childcare work.  Yet she publicly treats him like he's incompetent.  They also have the help of a nanny at home.  Sometimes I think the "work" that she's really so busy with is managing various drama she creates with other people.  I suspect that at any given time, there is someone she's trying to straighten out and subjugate. 

Unfortunately, even if you lived close by, there is very little you can do to change their situation.  Chances are she would make your life very difficult if you lived close.  The only thing you can work on how you respond to her.  This website has a lot of good information on recognizing common manipulation tactics that someone with a personality disorder use -Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.  And how to set boundaries.  I read about people discussing FOG so many times before I read one of my SIL's emails and said, "Oh, I see how she's FOGging me now!"  In our family, we have used that technique described in Stop Walking on Eggshells of reflecting back to her.  I still find it hard to engage with her in that way when she starts to spread around the eggshells.  But it has been helpful.  It's hard to describe, but if anything, reflective talking with her has given me more insight into her narcissism and the way she manipulates.  For instance, she views herself as being very empathic with other people when in fact she's just projecting and inventing what she thinks others might be thinking or doing, but she really has no clue at all what is going on with other people.  Anyhow, there are some really good books out there about BPD and Narcissism these days. 

[Pilpel]

My son and DIL married 5 years ago; she was not truthful about her BPD.

BTW, this sentence stuck out.  :)o you think she understands that she's the one with a problem?  Has she been diagnosed with BPD, do you think she knows that this defines her?  My experience with my N/BPD SIL is that she gets wrapped up in her own narrative, rather than seeing reality as it is.  On some level I think she must know that her narrative is full of lies and half truths.  But I think she's a bit like the character in the movie "Young Adult" --she just goes along living in her own narcissistic narrative.  Occasionally she's forced by others to confront the reality everyone else lives in.  If she doesn't succeed at confusing everyone by twisting facts around, she'll grudgingly acknowledge the truth, lick her wounds, and then she quickly goes back to trying to control the narrative again.