Hello and thank you

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I'm new. Just read "Walking on Eggshells" and I can't believe I have not thought to read up on the topic earlier. As the non BP daughter of a BP mother, I have been addressing my own emotional challenges for a long time.

[Dotner]

Hi all,

I'm new. Just read "Walking on Eggshells" and I can't believe I have not thought to read up on the topic earlier. As the non BP daughter of a BP mother, I have been addressing my own emotional challenges for a long time.

[Turkish]

Hi Dotner,



What's currently going on between you and your mother,  and how can we help?

Turkish

[Dotner]

Thank you, Turkish.

My mom cannot see her BP condition and refuses therapy of any sort. I went far away to college to separate myself a long time ago, and lived plane rides away for about 15 years. Aside from my visits home, which always ended in horrible anger from my mom, she eventually seemed to be doing better. We had developed an adult relationship that was different and felt somewhat more independent/friend like. I had been in therapy dealing with my own resulting issues for a number of years and developed a strategy for interacting with her (personal boundaries). She had found some sort of wholistic energy treatment that made her feel better (still unable to acknowledge BP). I eventually moved back to my home area to enjoy our now seemingly even keeled relationship. It seemed easier to escape to my own place if things got uncomfortable when I was with her. This has been working well for about 8 years.

Over this past Christmas, she said something that really hurt my feelings, and I wasn't expecting it. I guess it felt like I had accidentally let my invisible wall that I use with her down, and it really stung. She found out how upset I was and we had this crazy conversation where I was the "adult" and she was the child emotionally, and I forgave her and wanted to move on. She accused me of being too sensitive and stopped talking to me for 4 months. THis is the first time as an adult that we have had an episode like this (I'm almost 40), and it feels like I am a kid again, "walking on eggshells."

I am so thankful to have found a community of people who understand what this feels like--my friends all keep telling me to try to talk with my mom about it, but I know this is useless based on the first conversation we had about it --and my entire life.  I am just now able to see with a different perspective how I grew up.

I'm hoping that I can read more (in addition to my anti-anxiety/dep meds and therapy) about how I can continue to repair myself. I am starting to figure out who I am but I'm afraid maybe I have no "self" because of my experience--I'm a youngest sibling and I absorbed and withdrew. I'm afraid I'll not be able to have a healthy, lasting romantic relationship, and that I'll always be trying to be the perfect person my mom gives conditional love to. So I guess my needs at the moment are: coming to terms with the fact that I cannot be close with my mother, finding tools to help me repair my "self."

Again thank you so much.

[Turkish]

There's a lot to unpack here (as there is with most or all of us here).

I first landed on this site given the dissolution of the relationship with the mother of my children.  I came to this board when I started thinking,  in retrospect, about my mother,  who later admitted to me she was BPD and PTSD (I had known about the depression for 26 years). I saw something a very senior member wrote: "you can't fix your relationship with one person with a completely different person.  It's impossible."

Not to go Freud here, but consider it.  It gave me pause. 

Growing up in a dysfunctional family dynamic,  what is can seem normal.  It can be all which we know.  We don't know what we don't know.  In other words,  what is familiar seems comfortable.  How can we know otherwise? You being here and asking questions is a good start.  Acknowledgment that something wasn't or isn't right is one of the first steps in healing. Take a look at the Survivor's Guide to the right of the board. Where do you see yourself?

T

[Dotner]

Yes, a lot to unpack. I'm probably around #13/14.

[Dotner]

However, I should add, I haven't quite made it through a few of the numbers before that. Like, 4, 5, and 8. So maybe I'm not at 13.

[Turkish]

Healing is the hardest step.  I don't have all of those steps under my belt myself. Talk it through... .

[midnightchurch]

I am relatively new to the BPD community.  I am the daughter of a mother with BPD (undiagnosed but fits all the criteria).  I am really struggling.  I am  trying to stay strong and be a positive person, a wonderful wife, and awesome mother to my 2 teenage girls.  With that said, I am greatly depressed over the obvious dysfunction of my BPD mother and my enabling father.  See, I am a nurse and have always "taken care" of everyone in my life.  Unfortunately, this has included my mother and father.  I recognize that this is not a bad thing, but in my case, it has backfired.  I pissed my mom off a few weeks ago for not being "empathetic" enough to her multiple and chronic health problems.  That negative transgression has resulted in a cascade of problems, including: the silent treatment, blame, guilt, projection and a lot of other "punishments" BPD's use.  To the most of the outside world, my mom appears "normal" and actually has more "friends" than I do.  There are a select few (including her brother) who she has ostracized due to past misgivings on their part.  My dad has become so  brainwashed; however, I believe he truly knows she is toxic.  He copes by drinking and sleeping a lot and sweeping a lot of her BS under the rug.  After a few weeks of the silent treatment, which included me crying and feeling guilty over being a "horrible" daughter, my mom started to "come around".  Her texts to me projected victimization by asking "what did I do that was so bad that you can't even call your mother".  She suddenly had "memory loss" over the text I did send her asking what I did that was so wrong.  This time through therapy and this website, I began to open my eyes and recognize all of these manipulations and BPD tactics my mother has been using to control me most of my 44 years on this planet.  I am trying to maintain a superficial relationship with my mother, especially since I have 2 children and my dad means the world to me.  I just can't shake this depression. I also can't get rid of the resentment I have developed towards my mom for treating me, my children and my father through her BPD issues.  She has no self-awareness, no insight and is constantly playing the "victim card". She is also claiming my dad is depressed, sick, and complains he sleeps all the time.  Being a nurse, I am paranoid there is truth to it and I am starting to think maybe I am the paranoid and crazy one.  I am trying to work through all of these issues.  I may be 44 but I am feeling more like a "child" lately... .walking on eggshells like I did growing up, and crying when I am alone.  Help.  I have been reading books and seeing my therapist but I need support as well.

[Dotner]

Midnightchurch,

You are not alone! I don't have kids, but I cannot imagine what it might be like to try healing amidst the crazy business of family life (I spend quite a bit of time with my sister and her family, so I have a small inkling). Something that helped me when I was at my worst was thinking back to my child self, to "give her a hug," and to have the compassion and understanding for her that my mom couldn't give. Writing about it during this time helped too. Doing this repeatedly was very sad and elicited many, many tears, but over time it had a healing effect for me. It helps me these days too when I am faced with the confusing anger from my mother. I don't know if this will help comfort you, but it does still help me sometimes. I'm sorry that your father is not able to admit/see/understand your mother's BPD and its impact on you. I'm reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent" (listed on this site) and it does a good job of explaining why other family members cannot validate your experience. Perhaps this may help--to see why your father isn't able to face it?

In any case, I see you reaching out, and you are not alone.