I believe my son married a BPD woman

[Our abuse recovery guide]

After five years in my family, my son's fiancee turned on me with a 7 page letter full of accusations and lies; he OK'd this letter (not having even attended the event which she falsely accused me of things I did not do) which was SO unlike him ~ this was all just weeks before their wedding. She followed this with a phone call to me screaming and yelling that I needed help with him in the background saying 'What? What? What?' in a state of shock. He could not get her to apologize and he told his brothers he was not allowed to mention my name. She went on to apologize at the rehearsal dinner, but only said 'We have nothing in common but our love of _ _ _ _'. After the wedding the next day she said during the photo shoot for all to hear 'I love you' to me; I did not reply. Then at the dinner afterwards she was seen by three separate people giving us an evil glare as we did our Mother/Son dance. My psychiatrist thinks this is BPD AND/or NPD. My son had changed as well.
At what point do we say something or NOT say anything to our children when we think they have been sucked down in to the BPD drain, never to come out again without major damage? This is a young man that was hugely successful, loving, a leader. I am glad to say that his and my relationship is still in tact, although different as he has changed, but we are speaking and communicating. I have NO relationship with her other than being a polite acquaintance when I see her. I have suffered deeply from this stunning turn around just weeks before their wedding.

[Cavendish]

After five years in my family, my son's fiancee turned on me with a 7 page letter full of accusations and lies; he OK'd this letter (not having even attended the event which she falsely accused me of things I did not do) which was SO unlike him ~ this was all just weeks before their wedding. She followed this with a phone call to me screaming and yelling that I needed help with him in the background saying 'What? What? What?' in a state of shock. He could not get her to apologize and he told his brothers he was not allowed to mention my name. She went on to apologize at the rehearsal dinner, but only said 'We have nothing in common but our love of _ _ _ _'. After the wedding the next day she said during the photo shoot for all to hear 'I love you' to me; I did not reply. Then at the dinner afterwards she was seen by three separate people giving us an evil glare as we did our Mother/Son dance. My psychiatrist thinks this is BPD AND/or NPD. My son had changed as well.
At what point do we say something or NOT say anything to our children when we think they have been sucked down in to the BPD drain, never to come out again without major damage? This is a young man that was hugely successful, loving, a leader. I am glad to say that his and my relationship is still in tact, although different as he has changed, but we are speaking and communicating. I have NO relationship with her other than being a polite acquaintance when I see her. I have suffered deeply from this stunning turn around just weeks before their wedding.

[Skip]

These are always hard situations... .you are not the first. Weddings can bring out the worst.

I guess the big question is whether you want to stand your ground or to make peace.

Maybe the place to start is to tell us what transpired to make her so mad. What was in that letter?

[DaddyBear77]

Cavendish, welcome to the bpdfamily

I am really glad you found us

My wife of 17 years has many traits associated with both BPD and NPD. My mother, father, and 2 younger brothers have all suffered greatly because of this, and your story resonated with me very strongly.

I wanted to say that, from the sounds of it, your son is probably very, very confused at this point. You probably feel like you're losing a child, and that's got to be a horrible feeling. My mother expressed a similar thing when she told me she felt like she was "grieving a loss of her son." That happened 9 years ago.

I think it's really great that your son has been able to stay in contact with you. This is really important. Make sure he knows how important this connection is to you. Make sure he knows that the family really wants to keep hearing from him, and encourage him to stay in contact with everyone.

If the door is opened, share with him what you've learned about BPD and NPD. Listen carefully for that opening, as it may come more as a whisper than a shout.

And please, keep posting here. It's a great place for every family member affected.

Good luck, Cavendish.

~DaddyBear77