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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Today is a good day.  (Read 334 times)
FantasticMsDox

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 36


« on: April 28, 2017, 09:17:45 AM »

Happy Friday Folks,

Today is day three of NC. I woke up and wasn't bombarded with thoughts and bad feelings about my ex. I felt some anger today to which I was relieved to feel. This site has been so helpful that I cannot expresses enough gratitude for you all, so thank you.

I realized I haven't shared my whole story as to how I got here so here it is:

She was 19 and I was 20 when we met. Had a three year relationship that had its ups and downs. Break-up cycles, cheating,  and back and fourths happened, and of course when it was good, it was good, and when it was bad... .well you know. We both had issues (some more than others), interfering family, and home situations. But damn did we love each other. But we were young and wanted more than we knew how to provide. (At this point I'm stalking the bpdfamily website)

Nonetheless we worked at it for about 3 years. There's a lot of love and care there, but it wasn't enough, and we were pretty much both unhappy. She met someone else, I tried the whole "being a friend" thing for about another year, couldn't do it, and deceided to go  NC and move on. I would go NC on and off. Sometimes for months at a time because I couldn't deal with being her friend but watching her (as a friend) jump into these relationships like she was searchingfor something, while I struggled to not only get over the break up but, be her friend.  The straw that broke the camel's back was that I found out she and a friend of mine hooked up. I stopped talking to the "friend" and to be honest, it was something I expected from my ex but not so much my friend. But, I was done. She would try to reach out every couple of months and I would just ignore her, I hated her.

When I made the deceision to get her out of my life, I had quit my job that was stressful and went back to school, I was dating here and there, making new friends, finding new hobbies and goals,nurturing my old frienships. It was great because I feel like all I had to worry about was me y'know?

But, here we are now. I'm 26, shes 25, (and after her reaching out and me coming to terms with forgiving her) I deceided to try and ease her back into my life. I was tired of being mad at her, and I genuinely think shes a great person (albet her various issues), and I figured: "well, enough time has passed, I don't really want to be with her, shes an awful GF but decent person".

So in January (new year, new me am I right?:witless:) we start meeting for coffee every so often, shes telling me about these guy shes been seeing for like a year, and I feel nothing. I feel a caring, and a kind of love, but no desire for her really as a partner. In fact, her guy sounded pretty nice and I was happy for her. But, we slowly start spending more time together (now that I think about it, she did complain that they guy she was seeing was always busy DAMN YOU HINDSIGHT), there some flirting, the exchaning of comments like: "I can see the love in your eyes" or "your eyes are sparkling when you look at me",  then about 3-4 weeks ago she asks to crash at my place. She does, we cuddle (no sex, didni't want to take it there), and this new-familarity comes about.

My feelinsgs are awakened, and I guess the image I always had of us growing old together comes back. However I try to supress these feelings thinking its like a crush y'know?

Then she tells me she breaks it off with this guy she was seeing and starts to pursure some guy from her job that lives with his ex. I don't like this, and now I'm jealous.

We hang out all last weekend, and that Sunday we're sitting in a resturant eating. And she's telling about how she''' deal with this guys living situation and wants to see where it goes. So I say to her "well, now this is a good time to tall you that a part of me still sees us being together and growing old". She says something along the lines of: "well I wanna try this guy and date men for awhile (oh did i not mention we're two females?)" to which i reply (and the conversation goes as follows):

"Ok, I just wanted to say something because I noticed that, there is clearly something between us"

"Oh, there definitely is."

"Alright, well now we know. -smiles- hope you change your mind one day"

":)on't wait for me"

"Of course not"

We hang out some more that day, and then she leaves to see the guy. After hanging with him, she crashes at my place again that night. I'm REALLY jealous. We wake up the next day, and shes apparently going to see his basketball game. I'm uber unconfortable. We're in my bed and as I get up to go to the kitchen to make breakfast I say something kind of obscene to her ("I should f*ck you and make you miss your boyfriend game", can't believe I said that but she laughed and said the same) and tell her (playful, to pretend im cool) "I'm jealous." because I think it was fairly obvious. We have breakfast, she leaves.

Funny thing, there was a part of me that was relived that when I confessed my feelings (or whatever that was) she didn't say: "great, lets do this!", as I'm not really desiring a relationship right now. (very close to finishing school w/ honors yay!)

Present time. Its been a week since that encounter and I'm feeling like I have to go NC again. I can't help but to feel not only used, but like some kind of crutch, or bench warmer. But, I also feel kind of silly and stupid like: "Oh, great all that work and I'm going through THIS again?". I was fine when we first started hanging back out again. But, most likely because that emotional intimacy of spending a lot of time together, and maybe, me allowing myself to be so damn available, I'm in this seemingly high emotional state.

Ugh, I feel dumb. I feel dumb for still loving her and having a desire to be with her in the future. I feel dumb for thinking that after almost two years maybe she changed, maybe I could actually be her friend and not feel like a safety net. I feel dumb for even having so much emotion invested in this, that I'm on this forum trying to pick the brains of you good people. I feel like an alcoholic thats been sober for 400+ days and just took a shot of whiskey. Turning that 400 into a goddamn 0. Like so much progress, thrown away, in an attempt to... .I don't even know what.

I hung out with friends this Easter weekend and was kind of ignoring her. To which she sent me a long text saying something along the lines of:
"hey, are we okay? I have a feeling something is up.  I thought you were okay with my relationship, and I think it's bothering you and thats why you're pushing me away, would love to hear your take"

I just told her we're fine because I didn't feel like dealing. I don't feel like going through the motions of having to talk this all out.I just want some space now without having to really give a reason (like I do with my non-ex friends ) Jeez, I just wanted to hang at the beach with my friends .

Thanks again for reading and indulging me.


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TsunamiWave

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 49


« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2017, 09:45:48 AM »

Glad to see you doing good, im also on my day 3 of no contact (no stalking her social networks, no nothing) and no talking (10days). Dont ever look back man, we must realize that these people dont think, feel and see life as we do, they're wired differently, they dont love, they dont want to be together, they want to fill their emotional and whatever other needs, and will use anyone to do so, we're like useful idiots in their hands, and when we become useless to the trash we go.

There are so many more people, 7billion in this world, so many people that are looking for healthy and long-lasting relationships and i wonder why the heck do we still care about these completely broken individuals? Good luck to both of us!

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