Rekindled after a Year Apart - Next Moves

[ninthofdecember]

Hi all! I've been browsing on here for years but figured I'd finally give an account a go.

After a year of being broken up with my ex wBPD and a lot (and I mean a ton) of growing on both of our parts, we have just reconnected. I see a massive change in the both of us for the better... .he is much more mature and in a completely different place in his life and I can happily say the same about myself.

The first time we met up after all this time apart, we ended up parsing through our past relationship troubles and were intimate. Things did move a little too quickly if I do say so myself (we went from not seeing each other for a year to catching up, him confessing his love for me never left, and then we had sex. It was sudden and very intense.) We tend to lack boundaries  

We just spent time together for the second time and just talked. Among many other things, we spoke about how we should move forward. He said that he doesn't think we should be very close as when we do, things get very messy, but we should take things slowly, see each other often but not too often, spend time together during the day, and also when we are sober in order to repair and give the relationship time to catch up to how much we both have grown.

Admittedly, we were in a very codependent, unhealthy relationship before and he is afraid of falling back into that really unhealthy dynamic. He said that this time around he wants to do right by the relationship and take things slowly so things stay healthy and build in order to make that happen. He is also currently seeking treatment in therapy, which is amazing.

How often do you think is good to see each other? Any thoughts on this situation or do any of you have any similar experiences? He is my best friend and I love him so very dearly and want to do everything that I can in order to make it work this time around. In this case, I am hoping that slow and steady truly does win the race 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wendydarling]

Hello ninthofdecember and a warm welcome to you 

I'm glad you've taken the decision to join us at this time, browsing is healthy we all do  you are not alone. 

You're right to take it slowly, day by day, you've both grown while apart and that is great.

Continuing to invest in yourself, your own personal growth and self care is key, you say you both tend to lack boundaries and were very co-dependent that's a good place for you to start, understanding our role in the relationship and how we need to change is important. Have you considered setting boundaries?

WDx

[heartandwhole]

Hi ninthofdecember,

I'd like to join  wendydarling in welcoming you to the community. I'm glad you finally decided to post. You've found a great place for support and understanding.

I think slow and steady is a good plan. You've been browsing the site, so hopefully you've read up on BPD and the tools you can use to help your relationship (which work wonderfully in ALL relationships). We are constantly updating the site, so I encourage you to explore and read the articles and workshops as you progress in your relationship. This is a great page to explore, if you haven't already:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols

A pwBPD's symptoms usually get triggered by closeness. So your boyfriend is probably aware of that and may be feel a bit nervous as you get closer. Thus, the caution about moving too fast. It's great that he is in therapy and that you've both grown so much. I found therapy for myself helpful, too.

Do you have a good support system around you, too, ninth? It's important to look after yourself, as these kinds of relationships can be intense. 

heartandwhole