My Husband has a Definate Profile of Borderline Personality Disorder

[Mags4me]

Hi. I am relieved to have found this support group. I have been struggling for 16 years married to a man who has had regular fits of rage over minor issues, never taking any responsibility for his behaviours, placing blame on me for all that goes wrong, has no friends, has been very emotionally abusive with derogatory put downs, is very controlling, appears charming and 'nice' to people on the outside, I am his third wife, blames his ex's for the breakups, he is always right and never apologises for inappropriate behaviour, lies to cover up his actions, has severe anger issues, and I believe is an alcoholic since he drinks several bottles a night. He is I believe, a functional BPD and works long hours and is efficient at his job where he works with big machinery in a Quarry. I come from overseas and I have left all my family and friends behind. There is no support from his family although I have tried to reach out to them. They are as damaged as he in many ways since they had a very abusive upbringing with an alcoholic father who ruled with an iron fist and beat their mother. I even tried to reach out to his daughter who I thought they were very close. She told me not to talk to her anymore about my problems with him because she is not close to him and never has been. That she did not ever really know her father. So on top of all the devastation I already feel in this relationship, I have felt enormous guilt to have divulged our issues to his daughter. She is a lovely woman who was a solicitor for awhile and is pretty level headed. Although she says she suffers from OCD. So guilt for sharing with her on top of everything else. I feel isolated and alone and I have tried so many attempts to help him. Reasoning, doing everything to please him, distancing myself emotionally, turning myself inside out, but nothing seems to help. I am often at my wits end. He has no real empathy or compassion. He suffers from severe anxiety and isolates himself with his 'plant obsession'. I have had much compassion for him over the years but I have come to the point that I do not know what to do anymore. I feel often like leaving but that seems very daunting to me as well. I am exhausted from all the chaos. He of course, denies everything I try to bring to his attention. He manipuates me as well and the constant inner turmoil he creates is devestating to say the least. I have just discovered the symptoms of this Disorder and it seems to fit him to a T. So I ask myself, now what?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jester20]

Hi,
Sorry your going through this. My situation is very similar to yours. My husband came here from overseas... .never disclosed he had this disorder diognosed in USA , just been diognosed here 2 years ago and has been in therapy for about 1 year now.
My family do not know what has been going on... .And that's the ones that are still talking to me.
I tried to reach out to his mother and it all went terribly wrong... .he was previously a high functioning BPD in USA so she didn't believe he was doing the things I said he was. Also that with him telling his mum lies about me... .so, she doesn't want anything to do with me.
It's a very cruel horrible hard illness. I am in the process of deciding whether to leave... .I have given him some time because he sought help. However, 6 years of being married and he still hasn't got a job. This is the last year I am prepared to hang on for... .I have a life and need to live it I have decided. It is difficult though because I do not believe he will leave if I ask him to and he has no money and no family over here. I would see my only option being to leave the home I love which would see him evicted and ultimately homeless.
I have had to make my own life really. I see freinds, go out for tea, cinema, see my family etc... .that is how I have learned to be. I a, only just learning to put boundaries down. This means if he is verbally nasty I leave and he has to spend the whole day by himself. This does seem to be working though.
I do not think there are any quick solutions I think you just have to decide how long your prepared to live like this for and think about if you got to 80 and looked back would you have regretted you didn't leave. This is where I am at at the moment.

[once removed]

hi Mags4Me, and

im very sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but i am glad you have found us. it is not uncommon to feel isolated in these relationships, and support for yourself is critical. youll find many members here who have walked, or are walking in your shoes and can relate to your story, along with information and tools (the lessons directly to the right of your screen) that will help stabilize your situation, and give you some peace.

theres a lot on your plate and feeling isolated can really make everything seem overwhelming. in addition to reaching out here, have you considered seeing a therapist for support and guidance?