Hi there oceans12
Welcome to the parenting forum. I'm very glad you found us. You've come to the right place to learn how you can better support your daughter and set better boundaries and limits for yourself.
My BPDs is 26 and living at home with us. He got dx at 24. He doesn't rage and is a quiet BPD and internalises, this makes it difficult to understand what he's feeling.
I encourage you to read and learn about BPD as your starting point. It helped me understand why my BPDs behaves the way he does and that he can't help it. He struggles each day with life's challenges and it's incredibly difficult for him. I've learnt that I can't change him. I can only change how I react to him. When we know better, we do better. It starts with learning about BPD. Take a look at the Start Here at the top right hand side of this page.
I feel like the waves are slamming me as she calls just to attack me for something I can't begin to comprehend or have a reasonable discussion about in her anger. My heart is racing and I'm then distracted as I try and make sense of her severe criticism of all my mothering... .,,So often she acts like she can't understand why I would be guarded or distant the next time we interact like she has no recollection of the ugliness of her attacks.
Your daughter needs you to not react to her. She needs you to be calm. You can learn to demonstrate these behaviours with better communication and validation skills. Consistent and persistent in your approach she'll slowly respond positively without even realising. It can be done as I've proved it. My BPDs is highly sensitive and thinks he knows even by a gesture that there's something wrong. being distant or "off" just doesn't work, it'd leave him confused and it's not a positive behaviour that he needs from me.
We all want the same thing: to be understood and loved with an open heart. Validating your daughter's feelings helps her feel you understand. If she feels something then she knows that to be fact.
How have I dealt with the issues you describe? Like getting dragged into drama, setting boundaries or limits.
I learnt about BPD first. I focussed on improving my core relationship with my BPDs as it had broken down. I stopped talking and started listening, really listening. He trusts me now and knows that I won't react or judge if he makes a bad choice. We all learn by making mistakes. To behave like an adult, he needed to be treated like one. He's responsible for his life. I am responsible for mine and I take care of myself so they can see what that looks like.
I used to put too much energy into my BPDs and his life. This is not a healthy relationship. I changed my approach and I've been in this forum for 17 months and my family has been saved. We have a good relationship, despite the problems.
The learning, reading and practising the tools and skills can be overwhelming. It's baby steps. Knowledge of BPD comes first. We can help you as you move forwards exploring your way to gaining some balance for yourself, boundaries and limits and improve your relationships.
Is your daughter in any treatment?
Is she a stay at home mom or working as well as raising her three small children?
Do you live nearby or rely on Phine and Skype?
LP
