Stuck in a hard place. When it comes to the idea of dating again.

[Dusi2591]

I've accepted that my Ex with BPD probably isn't the best for me and was abusive. I still love her though and after 3 months No contact and 4 months after being dumped still think of her daily but still feel much better then I did during the first month. It was a typical BPD break up. Raging, Everything is my fault, Replacement within 2 weeks.
This isn't what I wanted to talk about though. Although I wish for her to come back and hope I hear from her again. I'm also coming to grips with the fact I can't wait around for it to happen. Maybe I'm not ready to date again but I also miss having that connection with someone that your friends can't be. I miss having a partner. I dont so much miss sex although it was amazing with her I miss just having someone to share my time with to have someone to hold.
I worry that if I did find someone and my ex started talking to me again I'd jump ship and run back to her because the Version of her she gave me was my dream girl she was "perfect". It's holding me back because I can't do that to someone. Even if the possibility of it happening depends on so many variables, the fact that it could happen stops me. Truth be told I also feel guilty because my ex is still in my eyes the "One" so how can I do that to her? I also worry about her finding out. Shes been excellent at making me feel terrible. Even though she may not be doing it intentionally. I don't know whats on her mind so her intent on Social Media could actually not be directed at me at all. Even though her behavior on it is way different then it was when she was with me.
Any suggestions on what I should do regarding this or if I should just cool it and be single still until I can fully say I'm okay even though it seems I'm not going to get to that level of being okay and happy.
I don't hold any animosity towards her, Shes human, humans make mistakes and do foolish things Disordered or not and my love wasn't biased towards her positive and negative attributes but all of her.
Any helpful tips or information would be greatly appreciated. To the people currently in the middle of this, Sorry you have to feel this way. I honestly haven't felt anything worse and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies. 

Thanks

[heartandwhole]

Hi Dusi2591,

I think it's very natural to want companionship, and I can understand that you miss that. These kinds of breakups are really tough, and it usually takes a while before our bodies and minds are rebalanced again. There is no exact timeline, as we are all individuals, but 4 months out of the relationship is not very long, I'd say. You seem to be doing very well.

Thinking about your ex and missing her at this stage is very normal. I understand you not wanting to start a new relationship when you haven't really ended this one in your head/heart. I don't think it would be the best course of action, either, although things happen sometimes. 

I know it's not the same as having a close companion, but have you reached out to some friends to spend time with recently? Or is there a new hobby you have always wanted to try that would bring you into a new group of people? You could make some new friends and maybe a special one that would develop into something more.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[ArtistGuy70]

As hard as it might be, take some time with yourself. Don't concentrate on dating or finding that new love at this time. Focus on your first love... .yourself. Introspection time. Dating will only distract from that, in my view. Been there, friend.

[g2outfitter]

My prayers go out to you Dusi. We all feel your pain.

You bring up a great dilemma... .one I ponder daily. I've decided to get back out there and date even though I still have strong feelings for my exBPD. I did this because I realize that my exBPD will always hold a special place in my heart... .so should I never date again? I have been honest with all the girls I've gone out with by letting them know I recently got out of a relationship in which I was hurt and that I make no promises. Dating for me now is for entertainment and a distraction of sorts. It's a slippery slope and each of us have to make our own choices but for me dating again has been beneficial.

I hope everything works out for you. Recovering from the breakup is such a difficult process.

[Dusi2591]

Hey heartandwhole, I have reached out to many friends and family, many of them just don't get how I still feel the way I do. So I try to keep much of how I'm feeling to myself or read stuff on here. I have kept up on my hobbies since the break up well not so much in the beginning. In the beginning I became a hermit... .

I'd like the think if I found someone else I wouldn't drop them for her. I just haven't felt this way about someone else before either so I don't know. I do know its moments like this when I know I wasn't the crazy one though. Sparing someone pain that I might cause due to my own baggage seems to go against everything she claimed I was.

@G2outfitter,
The first love of my life a girl I was with for 5 years, also my highschool sweetheart. Will always hold a piece of my heart. She did plenty terrible things, Cheated, then Left me for someone else a year later, Came back 6 months later but never stopped dating the guy she left me for and dated him and I for 2.5 years before I found out.
My borderline Ex has my heart. Not just a place. That's my main dilemma. No never dating again isn't really an option. But its hard to wrap my head around. I'm pretty introverted so even without all this baggage the concept is frightening.
I know people say they always come back. If she did. It seems like a no win situation. If she doesn't it seems like I may dodge the bullet but Ill always have the doubt that I was actually the problem too.
Maybe there really is no winning?

@ArtistGuy70
 I know what you're saying and I took that time after the first love I mentioned above. I got to that point then found the BPD partner. it just seems much harder this time because of the way the rip you apart during the rage and break you down. .

[momtara]

Ambivalent divorced woman here... .still think about my ex a bit. My way of dealing with this was to say in any on-line profile that it's important to be friends first and not rush in. I find that men email us women and expect to meet for coffee or drinks within 48 hours - not the way the real world works when you get to know someone before spending time on a "date." And it's a bit fast for me, So I try to slow the process a bit. If a man put something like that in his profile, that friendship first was important, or taking it slow, I'd be quite glad. So that's an option. You may have to be honest early on if you like someone, tell them you're not ready to be more than friends. They will go slow or they won't.