Sharing May Be Cathartic

[StoneBuddy]

I hope I'm correct in assuming that sharing our experiences and emotions concerning a BPD relative will be somehow comforting and healing. A brief introduction to my situation is that the BPD individual in my life (or I should say "in our lives" to include all family and everyone connected), is my DIL. So much has happened since our eldest (of 2) sons met and married DIL 6 years ago. I saw a therapist (finally) for a few months 2 years ago. She helped me understand that I need to focus on knowing what I cannot control, setting the limits needed so that I can avoid "engaging", and looking out for my own happiness. Two months ago I started seeing the therapist again - an hour every other week. This time I needed to get advice on handling my husband's emotional roller coaster which seemed to be worsening as he ages (49 years of marriage). Just when I started up with the therapist again, the stuff really "hit the fan" with Son's situation with DIL. So a good portion of my venting with the therapist is now trying to figure out how to navigate this wild and wooly world. It is interesting to me that in most of the comments I've read online from folks in intense relationships with DILs, they ascribe the unofficial diagnosis as "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". I think they may be right -- the book (one of many) I am reading now about Borderline Personality Disorder does mention that a BPD may have NPD traits. So I may have to do more reading on NPD, since I am beginning to see that my DIL may get some satisfaction out of just knowing we (family, friends and acquaintances) are all talking about her and her relationship with my son, however negative the talk might be. I also want to add that only recently did I actually say to my therapist that I felt that DIL somehow, even subconsciously, has been manipulating all of us and especially Son, and that he has now "swallowed the Kool Aid".

[Kwamina]

Hi StoneBuddy

I personally have found that sharing my experiences here with people who've had similar experiences, has really been helpful. I would like to welcome you to bpdfamily

This time I needed to get advice on handling my husband's emotional roller coaster which seemed to be worsening as he ages (49 years of marriage).

Your post is mainly about your DIL, but you do also mention your husband. Could you perhaps give some examples of his emotional roller coaster? In what ways is his behavior worsening?

... .I am beginning to see that my DIL may get some satisfaction out of just knowing we (family, friends and acquaintances) are all talking about her and her relationship with my son, however negative the talk might be.

What leads you to believe your DIL is getting some satisfaction from all of this? Has she expressed this in any way, directly or indirectly?

I also want to add that only recently did I actually say to my therapist that I felt that DIL somehow, even subconsciously, has been manipulating all of us and especially Son, and that he has now "swallowed the Kool Aid".

I think it is very positive that you have the support of a therapist to help you navigate this difficult situation. In what ways do you feel she is manipulating all of you? Do you perhaps feel that your son is going along with her out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

Take care