Blown up in public place ..need help

[AnonUK]

My uBPD husband and I had gone to a nearby place to have dinner. I know he usually drinks whenever we go out. So when he asked me for dinner I did argur with him and told him that I will not come as he drinks and I want him to reduce his drinkin. He gave all sorts of excuses, promised that he will not drink/or drink a bit/that he was tired /wanted to discuss and tell me something important etc ... .Finally I gave in and agreed for the fear of a him throwing tantrums.

Apparently there was nothing important that he wanted to discuss... .however the discussions were going on fine. He was drinking and occasionally he was painting me black. (in discussions he was a bit cranky... .had started blaming me for many things... .that I just like enjoying myself and don't take any responsibilities. That he takes care of me but I don't take care of him.)... .I best managed to validate/divert his topic/ empathised with him ... .for almost 2-3 hours. we had finished our dinner and on our way back. He was driving and he suddenly took me to another place. When I questioned he said I know you like this place. we will spend some time here. It was a open space,12 in the night and there were lots of people around as well. Again ordered beer. we were talking and it was the almost 1-1.15 and time for the restaurants to close (there are a series of restaurants on this street and others were still open and there were lots of people still hanging out). The restaurant server requested us to finish quickly as they wanted to close. My husband paid all the bills and requested them to give us 5-10 minutes to finish our beer. This happened 2 twice. We were almost done when the server again came and said you need to get up ... .this just blew up my husband so badly ... .had a verbal argument with the server ... .then somehow we came out and then he just started out on me ... .saying its me who have spoiled the marriage ... .I don't know why you are in this marriage ... .You do nothing ... .why don't you just leave me ... .you are spoiling my life ... .etc ... .it was late in the night and we were out of the house so I just shut up so matters don't escalate and wanted to reach home as early as possible... .

His rants increased to a level where he said you have to  justify your existence in my life or tell me in which way you are supporting helping me ... .why do you want me in your life ... .etc  ... .I did not justify ... .he just stopped in the middle of the road and said either you justify or give me a divorce... .I finally said ok I will divorce you if that is what you want but please let us go home first... .He agreed ... .we came back home safely. he went to his "special/separate" room and before going said please file for a divorce... .I said "We will talk later about this"... .He said I don't want to discuss anything regarding this ... .and I just returned back to my room and slept... .

The only reason I said OK for a divorce was because it was middle of the night, we were outside our home and that was the only way I thought would get us both safely home. Justifying anything would have just blown up further.

Did I do the right thing ? Its a stone silence as of now and he has just left home ... .From experience I know that he will now distance himself... .What should I do when he comes back and asks for a divorce ? If he does not come Should I go and try to talk to him ?

I don't want to leave him... .neither does he ... .But I am not sure how to handle this conversation ... .any tips /tools will be a great help to me ... .the next couple of days are difficult ... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sounds really scary.

I've hear several members that it worked to say: "I absolutely don't want a divorce, but if it is what you want, I'll give it to you".

I don't see what else could you have done in that situation. I hope things get better. I wish I had good advice. I hope he has time to think and comes back.

Good luck and hang in there, please.

[Panda39]

AnonUK,

I was married 20 years to an alcoholic and that part of your story is sending up red flags for me.

Was he driving or were you?  How much had he had to drink?  Sounds like the alcohol loosens him up to start arguments... .a not very nice drunk.  I might just be triggered but it seems to me that you have two problems BPD and alcohol.

You might want to set some boundaries (if the drinking escalates into conflict - leave) or develop a plan to get yourself home should you find yourself in this situation again.  His drinking is getting you no where good, both in terms of the arguing and in terms of your safety.

You might want to check out an al anon meeting in your area, it's a support program for family members of alcoholics you might find it helpful.

Take care,
Panda39

[leggomyeggshell]

My SOwBPD has been doing this type of drinking/ranting especially when stressed, after a few horrible episodes I've decided it's just better all around to drop her off at the bar and arrange for her to stay in a hotel... .  once she has a few drinks she is basically incoherent, and probably won't remember any of it in the morning... .  It's a huge waste of time that the $100 for a hotel is well worth it to avoid (yes it's expensive, but last time she smashed some items that are worth 3x as much as a night in a hotel)... .  also you don't want to be around that.

[AnonUK]

Thanks all for your reply and support.

Update : As mentioned by leggomyeggshell, he has probably have 'forgotten' whatever has happened. Not a word regarding the incident. Spoke regarding some usual stuff and routine going on. Either he has forgotten or he remembers but knows he has been doing something wrong and feels guilty about it . Even I am ignoring it as of now . Will bring this up when he is in a better mood.


-----Was he driving or were you?  How much had he had to drink?  ------

He was driving ... .usually I drive him home if he is drunk but that day since he was arguing he said "I don't trust you". I was with him and I was very vigilant. He was driving properly so I did not say anything further. Regarding amount of drinking ... .its almost 180 ml of whiskey.

His drinking has increased  recently ... .he is functional BPD... .he is the bread winner of the family. He has his own small business which is doing well (Sometimes I think BPD breadwinner is more difficult to handle as he always says "I earn for the family and you do nothing". I am isolated... in a new city ... do not have any support (he does not allow me to talk to anyone unless urgent) and he does not have any relatives (he has broken up with his family long back). I was working before my marriage for 15 years but he does not want me to do a job now (Why do you want to work for someone else ?). The only option is to help him in his work which I can and I tried but he says "You do not do it with the same interest as me"... .yells at me at the slightest mistakes. Gives me the minimum possible time to complete the task. Gives me task that he very well knows I will struggle with ... .basically does everything so that I fail and then he can snatch it from me.

So  I am left with the only option of taking care of the house which I do completely. Cooking, cleaning, errands, grocery,washing etc... .I love to cook and basically from the time I am married I have learnt all that he likes and cook him the best food possible ... .he loves the food I cook and due to which his health has improved a lot ... .He sometimes acknowledges it... .But then when in a bad temper he says "you don't do anything for me. You do housekeeping... have you married me or the house ?".

I think his work does not not keep him busy the whole day. evenings are usually free and he either hangs out with his friends or then with me and then drinks. There are so many things that we can do together ... .however its very difficult to make him do something else. I tried suggesting a gym to join , or starting a new business which will involve and keep us occupied. Everything is agreed in principal  but no actions happen. Just  drinks everyday.





[/quote]

[ortac77]

Hi

I am going to echo Panda39, I too have a partner with BPD (diagnosed) and in my case lower functioning but the primary
difficulties are caused by the co-morbidity of alcohol misuse.

My situation in many ways is similar, my SO has great difficulty in accessing and verbalising 'feelings', sees 'thoughts' as real and hence has used alcohol as a 'self-soothing' mechanism. The problem with this is of course that then the feelings and thoughts usually flood out in an incoherent, spiteful or aggressive way.Certainly afterwards any incident is forgotten or denied.

The presence of alcohol always makes any situation impossible to resolve and indeed can be downright dangerous at many levels. I have to detach completely.

Al-Anon is definitely the right place for anyone dealing with this, it is supportive and nurturing and breaks the isolation of dealing with these problems. Without its support I could never have dealt with the many situations that the combined effects of BPD and alcohol misuse generate and I urge you to give it a try.

[AnonUK]

Thanks ortac77 . I will definitely pursue this.

[Peace41]

I am so sorry for what you went through. I wish I had some answers for you but I don't. My daughter just blew up in the grocery store. It was so bad I had to stand at the checkout line and plug my ears, I looked like an idiot. I drove us home like a maniac - speeding - knowing I had to make it home fast otherwise I did not know what would happen. Again, I am so sorry. This life is hard. I wish you Peace.

[waverider]

It has not been forgotten, just blocked and filed away and may be used, and distorted,  to reinforce some future related blow out.

You were right not to try to argue it out. He would not have been listening. However dont let him project that decision/thought onto you. Keep it at "if that is what you want/feel". It at least validates that you hear what they are feeling, even if you are not agreeing to act on it.

Without a doubt it is hard to make much progress when alcohol is involved, it just polishes an existing hair trigger