Ensuing crisis

[Lollypop]

Hi

BPDs26 went away yesterday morning to spend the weekend with GF's big family. This was always going to be a massive challenge for him. He'd had a good week and appeared to be looking forward to it.

Then the plans started to emerge. 6 hour family walk on Saturday, board games Sunday. BPDs worst nightmare. He started to resist but was under pressure to go.

He said he couldn't travel Friday evening, they left at 5am for what should have been a 4-5 hour car journey. It took him 7 hours because he said he had to stop as he was so tired he wasn't safe to drive. They arrived late enough to miss the walk and too late to take the train to meet them.

He was shown around the house and got overwhelmed so cut (first time in 18 months). He avoided the family all night and woke up and left. He drove half way up the drive and stopped to call me. He's devastated at his behaviour and knows nobody understands why he's been rude, he knows everybody is disappointed in him, feels totally incapable and says he wants to kill himself.

We stayed on the phone for half an hour. It occurred to me that he hadn't decided yet whether or not to leave or stay. We offered to drive up so he could follow us in the car but he declined.

He's now not answering the phone.

My H is beside himself with worry. I'm feeling anxious and wondering if I dealt with the call right.

I asked him if he knew how he'd commit suicide and he said OD. I asked had he thought about when and he said NO. I told him we loved him, that if he ever did that we'd be devastated but that we'd find find a way to cope that we loved him desperately and dont want him to do it. I read this once in the forum and remembered it. Now I've said it, I'm sorry that I have. It doesn't feel right and I'm wondering if this has made him feel worse. Have I made a massive mistake?

BPDs is suffering the consequences of his actions. I told him to come home but I'm not sure he will. He doesn't want to come home. Nor does he want to stay.

Do I enter the drama and call the GF?

I've text him and asked him to call me as I'm worried about him. 

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

Oh LP I don't feel I have any words of wisdom to share at all  in all honesty , I do think that going over the words you said during your telephone conversation and persecuting yourself as to whether they were right or wrong is pointless. In these types of situations , is there truely a right or wrong thing to say or do ? I'm not sure there is. My thoughts are you know your son better than anyone else and the very fact he called you is testament that he trusts that what you say and whatever you say and however you say it , will be enough to help him calm down .sometimes if we overthink things it might sound scripted and rehearsed and your son is sensitive enough to pick up on that . You spoke from your heart and said what felt right, straight from the heart, and that will resonate far more with your son than any supposed catchphrase . That's my thoughts anyway , some may disagree .

Have you heard from him since posting this? Is he okay ?

[Lollypop]

Hi Yep

Thanks so much for replying.

I did text the GF and she told me she hadn't heard from him. I thanked her and then she text back. So easy to get caught up isn't it. Anyway, I text her and said I didn't want to be involved in any dramas and said I felt for her. Thankfully she got the hint.

BPDs is home. Very low and he's gone to bed. I asked about the bottle of Valium and he's assured me that there's not enough there to OD. He promised to get us if he feels so overwhelmed that he doesn't feel safe). I told him that I felt he needed to call 111  to get this situation registered or to go to A&E. thatbthis may help speed up the treatment plan. I don't think he agrees and would prefer to see what his treatment plan is. He should find out this later week. A complete nonsense, how can they do a mental health assessment over the phone? It makes me boil.

I know we're not supposed to predict the future but I can guarantee it won't be sufficient. They'll want to refer him to the county drug service first.

I've emailed a psychiatrist and psychologist today to ask for help. I've decided I'm not waiting any more. I'm conscious of not falling back into my "fixing" mode. This is hard.  I feel in my soul that he's going to get through this. He's a quiet BPD, doesn't rage. His problems are quite specific and I just know there's help out there. I'm hopeful and positive everything will be ok.

If he's ready for treatment then I'm prepared to pay.

My problem is that I can cope with the suicide thoughts. My husband just can't, he's in a very different place. Meanwhile, my younger son is doing his GCSEs in the next month and has suspected glandular fever and has been unwell.

How much can we all take. I'm entering into a new BPD phase and it's uncomfortable as I need information about treatments etc. This is a new realm. .

I've tried going in my art studio but that didn't help me much. I'm going to have a bath and a glass of wine. It's hard to keep balance.

Anyway thanks for listening

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

Just back from our long weekend to see your messages, I'm so very sorry you've been through this with your son. Thank goodness he's home and LP he made it because you spoke with him, he knows you are safe and you understand how he feels. All the work you've invested in you, and here on the forum over the last 18 months, building the core relationship is coming home.

Yep is right, I too have over thought what I've said for fear of saying the wrong thing when my DD was suicidal, self harming, threw me in a panic, we do our best and our children do their best to follow in dark times, keep doing what you are doing LP. You went with your gut feeling LP supported by your learning here.

Thinking of your Q's re next steps with NHS, I walked with my adult DD from crisis into DBT treatment, she got there with undivided support, it's a point where you are not 'fixing' because the pain is so great it's accepted and wanted. And yes, it's the point your son will listen.

Back very soon to you, I'm re-reading your post and thinking about next steps, drugs maybe in your son's past at this point.   

You are in a very difficult space   keeping the home very calm works for us, providing gentle confidence, it's all going to be ok, 'I'm with you', double validation works as my DD says. While your son has taken to his bedroom from my experience they need it - he's likely exhausted, my DD gets exhausted, I pop in to make sure she knows I'm here.

Hugs

WDx

[Bright Day Mom]

LP You did a great job in handling your son's crisis.  Look how much progress you've made since the very beginning; all of these tools, lessons and words spoken here have really provided a great education and the experience is invaluable!

I know the days of bath and wine; how are you today?

Hoping today is a Bright Day

[Lollypop]

Hi brightdaymom

To be honest, delicate.  BPDs is up and out enjoying his day. I can't keep up. Emotional turmoil. Weepy.

I'll be ok.

Thanks everyone for your support. New territory beckons.

H has been great and that's helpful.  Thankfully, younger son is none the wiser.

I've organised an assessment with a local retired psychiatrist  next week. Something has to change,

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

Big hugs to you this morning. Is this an assessment for your son? Have you thought about arranging some counselling to help you through the next weeks, you have a lot on your plate LP remember your  oxygen mask.

I hope the NHS assessment delivers recognising BPD route of treatment as your son is presenting BPD - not solely drugs counselling. My DD was offered both DBT and alcohol counselling, thing is as we know one has to wait for DBT, by attending the alcohol counselling showed her commitment to wanting to recover, it helped her knowing she was on the BPD treatment waiting list. ONE step forwards. If your son is on the waiting list for treatment the drugs counselling might be more palatable, DD said many of the sessions were group skills learnt in DBT.

We investigated private, DD did attend one of the skills sessions, it helped her knowing we were doing something and it helped her wait out for NHS who have provided one year DBT.

I hope you have a good day. Easy does it LP.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

I hadn't considered counselling for myself but that's a very good idea. I can get free access to one through my degree course so I'll arrange that if I can.

I'm trying to stay to the facts but it isn't easy as I can't help leap forwards in my mind.

BPDS was diagnosed in the USA, he has to be re-assessed in the UK to confirm the diagnosis.

NHS treatment plan arrives this week.  I do not know know the details.  I doubt that a telephone assessment will diagnose BPD.  I suspect it will be drugs counselling and maybe CBT.  BPDS said last week that he will not return to drug counselling and that he wants his mental health to be treated so he can then pursue being drug free.

I have arranged for a retired psychiatrist to assess BPDS next Tuesday morning. I've had a lengthy phone call with him and he's got a very low opinion of the way the county is dealing with mental health assessment and treatment and has said that they will not be able to provide him with what he needs if it is BPD. He has said that that there's an "elephant in the room" - weed.  Long term use of weed brings with it all the symptoms and behaviours I described. He's offered to help him if he can. BPDs has agreed to see him because (1) he's intrigued by this psychiatrist and his experiences (he's an outsider, non-conformist) (2) it's free (at the moment) (3) he knows he needs help.  BPDs doesn't know know what the psychiatrist has said about the weed (the psychiatrist is forewarned and knows how BPDs feels about it).

There is private DBT available in our local city (30 miles away) by self-referral.  My BPDS has refused for us to pay privately.

We decided 17 months ago to focus on our core relationship and set the drug issue to one side.

We hoped he would decide to seek treatment at some point. We understood that he has to have the motivation to change and this won't be a reasoned decision, it will be a reaction to either a crisis or him feeling so uncomfortable he can't carry on as he is.

With gentle encouragement he's sought treatment. What's caused him to feel uncomfortable is financial pressures - because of his addiction and choices of how he spends his money. The financial pressures are tipping him over. He's been unable to pay his rent to us for the last two weeks (a problem that we need to face).

Keeping my sight on responsibility and where it belongs.  His addiction is his problem and he needs to resolve it. It is a fact that my BPDs choice of lifestyle is unsustainable in the longer term.  It is also a fact that we've enabled him for the sake of getting him stable, we prioritised our relationship (I think rightfully) above anything else. We have healed as a family together and I'm confident that there is a way forwards - I just don't know what that is.

I think we are reaching a critical point.  I got advised 17 months ago to kick my BPDs out of the house because of the drugs. I chose then to not do that, to explore another way. It was always going to rear it's ugly head at some point.  As LBJ said at the time, a lot of people self medicate with weed.

It does feel good though that at least something is happening.  I know in my gut, Weed is causing a lot of the issues here.

IF BPDs refuses blank to even attempt to give up then where will that leave us as a family - this whole situation is unsustainable.  Yes, we have a better relationship, despite the problems - I think our problems are going to get much bigger.

I'm thinking of Huat's words.  When we know better, we do better.  Let's see what the forthcoming days brings us.

Meanwhile, I think my H and I need to decide what we will do if BPDS refuses drugs counselling via the NHS treatment plan.  IF the retired psychiatrist is a comfortable fit for BPDs (if only as a counsellor) we can explore this avenue (given the psychiatrist's potential influence and anti-drug stance) as alternative way forwards.  I'm concerned about this psychiatrist too.

Trying to keep in my mind "I can't change anybody else, only how I react to them".

LP

[Gravy]

LP

I am still new here and trying to figure out how to use the board.  I did read your post and you are hanging in there and every day we get through something we have to take a breathe. We have to remember to never give up and that is what you are doing. I am not one for therapy for myself at least, it isn't right for me but I know it works for lots of people, so maybe for yourself it would be good.

Keep strong and positive.  I feel like they take a lot of signs from us even if they don't show it and if we can stay positive it can help them in some small way.

Hang in there.
Gravy

[Lollypop]

Thanks Gravy

Your reply means a lot to me. All of us experience the same roller coaster, you're right - it's ok to ride it awhile and breathe. I can see he's listening and I know you're right about the signs,

I'll go with a little bit stronger today, that'll do for now,

LP

[wendydarling]

NHS treatment plan arrives this week.  I do not know know the details.  I doubt that a telephone assessment will diagnose BPD.  I suspect it will be drugs counselling and maybe CBT.  BPDS said last week that he will not return to drug counselling and that he wants his mental health to be treated so he can then pursue being drug free.

I know we don't like tele assessments, however this is an assessment for BPD and yes identifying co-morbid drugs, depression, it's a very long and detailed Q and A to diagnose BPD. That's my understanding.  It's a first step, they may call your son back or in if they feel that's warranted for more information.  If you and your son are not happy with the assessment, plan, appeal, don't stand back. I think you need to be realistic it WILL include drug counselling, as you say it's his financial downfall at the moment. I recognise you've both been there before and it was very painful, time to address again, your son is in a different place and so are you dear LP. Think BPD treatment first and co-morbid second. Why do you think the offer is likely CBT rather than DBT?

Hi Gravy, good to see you are working out how to use the board I remember the feeling! Do shout out if you need any assistance from members here, glad you are here with us. 

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

BPDS has said he's calling up tomorrow to chase nhs treatment plan. He feels they just want to put him on meds and drug counselling, not even CBT.  He's very reluctant to be prescribed drugs. Let's see, as we are in the dark trying to predict.

Thanks for the insight and encouragement to fight. I don't think DBT is offered in this county on NHS, I don't know why I think that and have no evidence. Only the Start of this journey.

I'll post when I know more

LP

[Lollypop]

So I called BPDs this evening to remind him again to return some personal items of my h, to ask if he's been paid. Got the distinct impression that BPDs resents having to pay us the money he owes as he said "I'm paying you in full, this is just totally stressing me out".  

BPDs is low and at the time of the call he was with two friends (allafyernoon) who are both heavy MJ smokers. BPDs not coming home tonight. No, he didn't chase up treatment plan.

I'm feeling quite angry and frustrated. Staying calm as I can and waiting until next Tuesday for psychiatry assessment,

Gggggrrrrrr

LP

[Lollypop]

Hi

This is an update.

DS hit a wall with the GF. I don't know the details but do know my DS feels drained and exhausted as her tries to meet what he says are unreasonable and extreme demands of him. He ends up screaming at her.

Basically, watching the psychiatrist gently challenge my DS made me understand that I can change my approach, turn it up, and increase this without him reacting negatively. So I've stepped into a mentoring kind of tone at times. My H too has spoken plainly and my DS was taken aback as he could see his dad was caring and not judging.

Anyway, after an horrendous 24 hours whuch resulted in my intervention with the GF. This is something I would never ever do, it has helped him turn a corner. He felt validated and that it was ok for him to fall apart. I'm confident that if my DS chooses to end it he can do so.

Today, he's made an announcement - he's says he going back to drugs counselling with the first goal of getting off the Valium.

Well, you could knock me over with a feather.

LP

[wendydarling]

Double blimey LP 

Sounds like you and H validated his very nearly there decision with GF.

Made way for   drugs counselling  - wow, I'm absolutely elated for you LP.

So glad your boy is thinking of him, his self care. 

Dancing, those small steps forward 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

it's such a journey, I didn't realise it - as mad as that sounds.  Let's see what this week brings, for now I'm breathing and so we all are,

Thanks everybody

LP

[Yepanotherone]

That's great news LP , happy dancing for you  
Thankyou for replying on my thread , I'll respond when I get home . I'm spending my Sunday afternoon in ER after my daughter tried a " benzo trippie " with 15 Benadryl and promptly had a seizure while with her friend in a restaurant ! She's okay but her heart rate is racing so she's on a monitor and due another EKG soon... What are the chances that she'll learn from this ?  

[Skritty]

Hi LP
Just wanted to send a note that you are in my thoughts. I wish you all the strength to keep going. You have been so helpful to me and I can't thank you enough.
I truly hope your son is able to go through with his drug rehab. Knowing he is trying gives me hope for our situation.

All the best
Skritty

[Lollypop]

Hi skritty

Once a person becomes fully embroiled in the drug culture it's hard to find a way out. I'm obviously pleased at the latest news but guarded as we've been here before. His whole life revolves around drugs whereas most of his "friends" have been able to use and get on with their lives. My DS is a stoner but also a lovely, warm, kind soul who thinks far too deeply for his own well-being.

I watched the Amy Winehouse documentary a few years back and she got clean but said "it's just so boring, life is boring without drugs".  That hole they fill has to be filled with something else, the problem being that "something" takes determination, guts and hard work to find; characteristics that my own DS is in short supply of.  

Baby steps and I'll take some pleasure in the latest attempts. This time it does feel different and hopefully he will be supported by the somatic therapy (if he pursues it). I truly hope he does.

LP